Shots in the Dark
by Sapphire Sterre
Summary: A bunch of unrelated oneshots, the majority of which will consist of one-sided Billdip and Dipeon, meaning Bill or Gideon will be interested in romantically pursuing an uninterested adult Dipper. Ch. 24: Human Bill and Gideon expected to summon an almighty demon. Instead they summon Dipper.
1. Superstar Stumbling

**Note: So these oneshots are mostly so I can practice writing and because I'm a sucker for tossing characters into uncomfortable situations.**

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><p>Summary: <em>The famous actor, Dipper Pines, didn't believe in the supernatural. In fact, he was just fine before a stranger gave him an enchanted artifact. AU<em>

Pairing: Billdip (one-sided)

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><p><em>Superstar Stumbling<em>

Dipper weaved through the crowd, dodging the cameras and lavish individuals milling about the massive room. His gaze sought one person in particular.

"Darn it Mabel," he muttered. "You _know _I hate rich people parties. How'd you drag me into this?"

He huffed when he finally caught sight of the familiar face standing beside an unfamiliar suited man. Side-stepping a party-goer, he made a beeline for his sibling. Just before he could cross the edge of the crowd, a slender frame stepped in his path. Dipper crashed into the stranger's bulk.

"Ah–sorry." He made to step around the woman.

"My, aren't you Dipper Pines?"

Dipper withheld a sigh, wondering how quickly he could end the conversation.

"Yes. Now, I really need to–"

"Oh you simply _must _tell me about that new movie of yours."

The woman snagged his forearm and dragged him away. He caught a glimpse of his sister chatting with the yellow vested man before the crowd swallowed him whole.

~oOo~

Once free from the chatty stranger, Dipper returned to tracking his sister so he could leave. Oddly enough, he couldn't find her _anywhere._

"Mabel…" he murmured. "Where _are–"_

Weight pressed against his shoulder and he jumped. Glancing at the gloved hand, he trailed his eyes along the black sleeve up to an oddly unsettling face framed by blond hair and a top hat.

He stared for a moment, feeling his stomach churn.

"–for?"

Dipper blinked. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

The yellow vested stranger bared his teeth in a mockery of a smile. "You wouldn't happen to be looking for a certain Mabel Pines, would you?"

The teen's hackles rose but he tempered his outward irritation with a rehearsed acting skill. "I am."

"I had a chat with her not too long ago before I showed her my private exhibit."

"Your private…" Dipper scrunched his face before his features stretched. "Wait, _your _exhibit? But then you're–"

"William Cipher!" The man tipped his hat. "The owner of this museum and host to this party!"

Dipper's level of annoyance and rising sense of dread increased. "Oh?"

"Yes, in fact I'd like to show you the very same exhibit! Come along, now!"

Bill grasped his wrist and tugged him out of the crowd. Despite the teen's protests, the dapper but odd man dragged him through several hallways until finally stopping before a elaborately decorated door.

Dipper shook his wrist free. "I _really _need to find–_whoa."_

His focus zeroed on the archaic painting visible through the now open doorway. Bill ushered him inside, chattering. Dipper hardly noticed the man's words as he swiveled his gaze about the room in star-struck awe. Coded paintings, vases, stones, and other artifacts he had never seen or heard of enraptured him. Absently, he nodded along to Bill's speech about how he came into ownership of the various mysterious items from history.

Bill subtly herded the teen to an odd stone carving, covered in what appeared to be amber, depicting a triangle with a single eye. Upon seeing the unusual artifact, Dipper's wonder faded to be replaced by wariness.

"–almost wish it were a necklace, don't you agree?"

"Um, _sure…" _Dipper agreed politely despite his uncomfortable posture. "But, uh, wouldn't _that _gem," he pointed to a aquamarine jewel, "make for a nicer necklace?"

"Why, if it _were _a necklace," Bill blazed over his thoughts, seeming to not have heard his statement, "I'd wear it, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, okay," He backpedaled, not liking the glint in the man's eyes and feeling his dread skyrocket. "That's great and all but I _really _need to–"

Still staring at the glass encased stone, the man snapped his gloved fingers. Despite the gloves, the sound pierced Dipper's ears.

Weight appeared around his neck and he staggered with a yelp; Dipper grasped the doorway's rim to steady himself and looked at his chest.

"_What?" _He spluttered. "How did–when–how–why–_what?_" He stumbled out of the doorway and into the hall.

"Pine Tree," Bill snapped again and the door slammed forwards, colliding against his back and throwing him to the floor.

"I don't believe I _properly_ introduced myself."

Dipper, face smushed against the tiled floor, braced his elbows on the floor and made to push himself upright. The necklace seemed to add several extra pounds, however, and he could only lift his chin high enough to glare at the man.

"What kind of prank _is _this? Cause it's _not _funny."

Bill sauntered to the sprawled teen and kneeled. "Oh I _assure _you this is all very real," he grasped Dipper's chin, "and you won't be leaving _anytime soon_."

Dipper's alarm bells screeched when fingers snapped and spots crept across his vision.

"I am _Bill_ Cipher, a _dream demon_ and I _always _get what I want_."_

He sank into the darkness.

~oOo~


	2. Starstruck

Summary: _Years after his first summer in Gravity Falls, Dipper stumbles across a starry-eyed Gideon Gleeful. Only, the man's eyes are on him._

Pairing: Dipeon (one-sided)

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><p><em>Starstruck<em>

Dipper pressed a fist against his cheek and tapped his fingers against the table top. His eyes skimmed the words on his phone, occasionally flicking towards the cashier.

"One hot chocolate for Dipper?" The employee called.

He perked, grasped his phone, and stood, the chair squeaking as it skidded across the tiles. Weaving through the milling crowd of standing and sitting patrons, he arrived at the counter and accepted the beverage.

"Thanks," he murmured and swept into the crowd, the steaming drink already pressed against his mouth.

He ventured to the door and glanced at his phone. One O' clock. He sighed and pocketed the device. He'd been stood up. _Again._

A bell jingled but the chatter overwhelmed the noise. He reached for the knob.

"–we have, yes we–"

Staring at the ground, Dipper smacked face-first into a broad chest. The drink in his hands sloshed forwards, out of his hands and onto the blue-suited figure. Dipper gasped as the liquid bled into the suit and dripped to the floor.

"Shi–I'm sorry –I wasn't watching were I–here–let me–"

He scrambled for a napkin, wincing as he swiped some from a vacant table. Damn. If the stranger demanded money for cleaning then he'd be clean out of money. That suit looked _expensive _and out of his salary range.

An oddly familiar high-pitched voice chuckled. "Well if it isn't Dipper Pines."

The nineteen year old halted, arms over-flowing with the napkins. "What? Who–"

He craned his neck. Over a foot taller than him towered a smug face. Though the jawline was defined and baby fat gone, the signature high-gelled hair was still ever present.

Dipper stared. "…Gideon?" Disbelief colored his tone.

The platinum blond laughed, the southern twang noticeably faded in place of a less melodic accent. "Aw, you remember me!"

The teen spluttered. "You tried to–"

"Now _Dipper,"_ his voice dropped and gaze narrowed, scrutinizing. "You simply _must _do something for _ruining _my best suit."

Dipper scoffed. "Not a chance, Gideon." He made to side-step the taller man, but Gideon just stepped in sync, blocking his path.

"I could _force _you to buy me another _million dollar _suit." The jerk began and Dipper gritted his teeth.

"Not a–"

"I _am _a _wealthy_ business man. Who do you think can hire a better lawyer?"

"For a _suit_ you–"

"_Or," _Gideon leaned in by his ear, cheek inches from his own, "I'll forget this ever happened–for a _date._"

Dipper retreated a step. "I am _not _forcing Mabel to–"

"I never said I wanted Mabel."

He paused, confusion rising. "Then who–"

"I want you."

The napkins tumbled from his hands.

~oOo~


	3. Pirated

Summary: _Dipper doesn't think pirates exist. At least, not until he visits the beach and wanders onto a haunted ship. _

Pairing: Billdip (one-sided)

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><p><em>Pirated<em>

Dipper laughed, batting the ocean's surface to spray his sister with water. In response, Mabel dunked beneath the waves and tackled his stomach They tumbled to the shallow sand.

The nineteen year old resurfaced, spluttering through a laugh. "That's cheating!

Mabel popped beside him, grinning. "You're just mad because you _lost!"_

The teen huffed. "Wha_–no–_I–"

_"Dipper!" _His sister squealed, looking past his shoulder with bright eyes.

He twisted. "Wha–whoa!"

There, peeking out from behind a wall of rocks, waved a tattered flag.

Dipper perked. "I bet it's an old boat!"

"Ooo," his twin cheered. "Maybe even a _pirate ship _with real pirates!"

He scoffed and swam towards the wreckage. "Mabel, please, there aren't any pirates in the US."

His sibling stuck her tongue at him and promptly received a mouthful of salt water. "Aw, _gross!"_

Dipper laughed and curved around the rocks. He stopped, treading water. "_Whoa…"_

He craned his neck to observe the marooned rickety old ship. The remains of the ship were _huge. _From ruined pillars to rotted flooring, the ship was the picture of a haunted ship. There were even black sails complete with an odd yellow triangle design.

But, the longer he stared, the more his unease drowned his curiosity. :Uh, Mabel? Maybe we shouldn't go in there…"

"_Pfft." _His sister dismissed. "Since when _don't _you check out a potential mystery? You _scared?"_

Dipper flushed. "_No. _I just think it might be dangerous since it's old."

"Oh no!" Mabel waved her hands, sending droplets flying. "An abandoned old ship! So _scary!"_

The teen splashed his twin. "Quit it, Mabel! I'm _serious!"_

His sibling snorted. "Alright, scaredy-cat, but _I'm _checking it out."

He huffed as his sister swam around him. She boosted herself onto the shore and clambered across the rocks to venture into the ancient ship.

Dipper grumbled and pulled himself onto a nearby stone. "Sometimes I swear…"

Just as he stood, he heard a scream.

"_Mabel."_ He clenched his fists and scrambled across the shore. "I _hate it _when I'm right."

He stumbled onto the ship. Cupping his palms around his mouth, he shouted his twin's name. When he heard a panicked response, he rushed to the source. He shoved aside fallen logs and planks to reveal a moldy door. He exhaled, grasped the knob, and tugged.

"Holy…"

"Sorry, Dipper."

There were pirates.

He stared, color draining from his face as he fully absorbed the situation. His sister, trapped in the arms of a slender and tall blond wearing a triangle shaped eyepatch, mirrored his expression. Ruffians of all sizes lurked in the room, the features oddly lifeless in comparison to the grinning top hatted leader.

"Pine Tree," the ghostly pale man holding his sister remarked, eyeing the designs on his trunks, "fitting, I suppose."

He flushed and bristled. "Let her go."

"Hmm…" The stranger pretended to contemplate, tapping his cane against the floor. "No."

Dipper blinked. Where did the cane come from? He shook his head. Unimportant. He gritted his teeth.

"Let her go and we'll leave."

The oddly dapper man laughed, the tone tinged with mania. "Why would I let _either _of you leave when you've _just _arrived?"

Dread pooled in his stomach. "Oh?"

"In fact," the man's grin sharpened like a shark's. "We're going to have so much _fun."_

_ "Oh?" _His voice squeaked.

"Welcome to ship of Bill Cipher." The blond raised the hand holding the cane. "I'll just borrow a bit of life force from both of you and…"

His hand erupted into glowing blue flames.

"…we can let this ship _sail."_

Dipper blacked out.

~oOo~

**Notes:  
><strong>**Forestspirit of Thunderclan: Whoops, didn't mean to scare you. I was aiming for dramatic.  
>Allycipher: Gideon's gay and a jerk in these oneshots (Don't know about calling him that)<br>Sakura1221: Aw shucks, you're making me blush. We'll see what other oneshots I come up with. (And I see what you mean but don't take it to heart) **

**Feel free to comment or share ideas.**


	4. Still as a Statue

Summary: _Dipper never should have visited the museum._

Pairing: Dipeon (one-sided)

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><p><em>Still as a Statue<em>

The nineteen year old scrambled across the tiled floor, slipping and screaming bloody murder. A maniacal, high-pitched laugh followed his frantic rush to the exit. He skidded around a corner, eyes wide.

Statues loomed and he recoiled. What he once thought were statues were in fact plastered zombies. Apparently Greeks covered their deceased in plaster rather than carved life-like stone statues. The teen backpedaled, heart hammering. And apparently Gideon had found an amulet that could animate the dead.

"Damnit Gideon!" He yelled and dodged a zombie's grasp.

He gasped when he turned another corner. Zombies in front. He spun, breath short. Zombies behind. He swore loudly.

"Language, Dipper Pines. Now," a southern twang chided and Dipper pivoted to see a tall suited man ease through the mob, clutching his bowtie. "You read my letter."

Dipper spluttered. "How was I supposed to know my 'secret admirer' was _you?_ I should've known it was a trick to try and kill me!"

"Oh, _Dipper_, hon," Gideon laughed. "I'm not gonna _kill _you."

The teen scoffed. "Then explain the Greek _zombies hunting me down._"

Gideon simpered. "Why yes, they _are _rather intimidating, aren't they? But that's not why I brought you here."

Dipper crossed his arms, trying to even his breathing as he eyed the still statues.

"I want to take you on a date."

His gaze snapped to the eerie smile on the jerk's face. He couldn't have heard that right.

"What."

"Just one date." Gideon coaxed. "It could be something as simple as going to a restaurant."

He froze, mind screeching to a halt. His skin blanched enough to match nicely with the statues surrounding him. Did his enemy, the one who tried to _kill him_ years ago_,_ really just ask for a _date? _Slowly, his brain started to function again.

"What kind of _date?" _He ventured.

Hopefully _his _definition of a date was different from Gideon's.

"One that'll soothe your soul."

Well that sounded murderous.

"Uh huh," Dipper frowned. "I'm not in the mood to die so no."

Gideon's smile became strained and his fist tightened on the amulet within his bowtie. "I already told you, I'm not going to kill you."

"You expect me to believe that?"

The suited teen sighed. "If you won't love me willingly then…"

Dipper recoiled, confused. "Love–?"

"…you'll _learn_ to love me!"

Dipper bristled as the statues lurched to life. He made to leap out of reach but a plastered zombie caught his wrist and dragged him forwards. He squirmed as the zombie released his wrist only to quickly lock its arms across his torso, pinning his own arms in place.

The teen grunted. "Gideon, Let me go!"

"Oh, no," The suited teen grinned. "I let my old flame get away. I'm not letting you go too."

The brunet paused, realization finally sinking in. "This can't be happening."

"Oh, but it is."

Dipper swore violently.

~oOo~

**Note: ****Just a, uh, side comment here but it's a bad idea to kidnap someone. Just because Gideon and Bill are jerks doesn't mean you have to be one too. Ha ha ha. (and here I awkwardly shuffle away)**

**So...who else has watched Big Hero 6 yet?**


	5. Still as a Statue Part 2

Summary: _Dipper never should have visited the museum. Part 2  
><em>

Pairing: Dipeon (one-sided)

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><p><em>Still as a Statue Part 2<em>

Dipper grumbled and tightened his grip on the popcorn. "Really? Ducktective's True Love? "

"Now Dipper," Gideon scolded, "you'll like it!"

"It's a show for _twelve year olds_."

"But you watch the series!"

Dipper stiffened. "Have you been _spying _on me?"

Gideon smiled shamelessly. "A little bit."

The teen shuddered before protective instincts flared. "Do you spy on Mabel too?"

In the dim lighting of the theater, Gideon smiled.

Dipper clenched a fist. "I am going to-"

"Ah ah ah," Gideon tutted, "wouldn't want to cause a _scene_, now would you?"

"Spying on _me _I can take," He hissed but released his fist. "But Mabel? No way. Leave her alone."

"I'll do what I want." The jerk returned hotly. "Now shush, the previews are over."

Dipper grouched and stuffed popcorn into his mouth, muttering. "Jerk."

The opening scene rolled and Dipper slowly relaxed. Despite his words, he had a soft sport for the characters of Ductective . Though why'd they throw in unnecessary romance was beyond him. Because really why would Ductective–what was that?

Dipper glanced at at his thigh and recoiled.

"Gideon." He hissed in a strangled voice and swatted the wandering hand. "Not cool. Hands to yourself."

The jerk had the nerve to grin. "It seems I mistook where the popcorn was. My bad."

Dipper gritted his teeth and shoved the popcorn into Gideon's hands. "Then how about_ you _hold the food so it doesn't happen again."

He returned his focus to the screen, internally grumbling. Moments later he felt a tug on his foot. He ground his teeth.

"Stop playing footsie with me" He bit out. "And just watch the movie."

Intentionally misunderstanding the teen's clear rejection, Gideon yawned and stretched. Dipper's eye twitched when he felt a distinct weight on his shoulder.

"That is _it_." He growled.

Kicking Gideon's foot, Dipper slid into the vacant seat next to his own. When fabric rustled, he huffed and contemplated the benefits of murder. No one would know it was him in the darkness of the theater...

A drink was suddenly presented in front of his face and he blinked.

"You forgot your drink, hon."

Dipper clenched his fists. In response, he snatched the soda without a word and promptly scooted onto the next available chair. The jerk followed.

"Oh come _on_." He muttered. "Leave me alone."

"And leave you to your lonesome self?" Gideon retaliated with a sickly sweet tone. "Never."

Dipper groaned, accidentally causing several heads to swivel. He sank in his seat, blushing as audience members sent stink eyes their way. Gideon just patted the teen's arm and pretended to smile apologetically at the glares.

Soothed by Gideon's charm, the audience members returned the smile and refocused on the movie.

"Snake charmer." Dipper muttered.

Gideon's hand on his arm dug into his skin. He winced and shook his arm, effectively removing Gideon's white-knuckled grip. Some of the audience had seen his face! They'd connect the dots if Gideon on we're to mysteriously disappear...

He pouted and glanced at his drink. Maybe he could just dump it on the smug jerk and leave.

Hmm...

His gaze flicked to the row in front of him. No. The townsfolk would wind up hating him again if he 'attacked' Gideon seemingly unprovoked. He bit his lip. Damnit. He sighed.

"What's the matter, sugarplum?"

"Everything." Dipper rebutted.

"I can make it better..."

Gideon hummed and shifted in his seat, suspiciously closer to Dipper's side. Alarm flared and, trusting his instincts, Dipper grabbed his drink and scooted onto the next seat just as Gideon leaned sideways. The rich jerk fell flat on his face and Dipper, still weirded out by Gideon's unforeseen affection, chuckled.

"Smooth, sucker."

His enemy huffed and straightened, patting down his dress shirt in indignation. "You did that on purpose!"

Dipper scoffed. "Of _course _I did. I do _not _like youand I _don't_ want to behere."

It was Gideon's turn to pout. "But _I _like you."

"Tough." Dipper sniped.

Gideon shuffled into the seat next to Dipper's "But-"

"No means no." Dipper retreated.

"I—"

"_No."_

Dipper had finally scooted to the final chair in the row. Seizing the chance, he started to rise.

Gideon huffed. "Sit back down."

"Make me." Dipper shot back.

And so Gideon did.

"Get _offa _me." Dipper grunted, squirming beneath the bigger teen's weight.

Gideon settled into his whiny seat, smiling. "Watch the movie."

"I _can't._" Dipper gritted out. "You're in the–"

Gideon stuffed some popcorn into Dipper's mouth. As the poor teen coughed, Gideon returned his attention to the movie and leaned back, squishing Dipper's chest.

Dipper steamed, chewing on the popcorn. His gaze flicked from the corner of the screen that he _could _see to the bulk blocking the majority of his view. His gaze dropped to where his lap would be if Gideon weren't in the way. Slowly, a smirk stretched across his cheeks.

"At least share the popcorn." Dipper grumbled, trying to sound as moody as possible and most definitely not hatching a plot whatsoever.

The popcorn appeared in his vision and he struggled not to snicker. He grasped some of the weapon. Wouldn't Gideon just _hate _to have his _nice _and _expensive _suit ruined by buttery, _greasy_ popcorn?

"Whoops." Dipper muttered as he let the popcorn slip through his fingers and fall onto the sleeve of Gideon's fancy smancy shirt. "Butter fingers."

"What?" Gideon murmured, eyes on the screen.

Dipper just smiled.

"Oh nothing. Just your butt making my legs go numb."

Gideon hummed. "Tough."

Dipper frowned. "Jerk."

~oOo~


	6. Code Red

Summary: _Dipper thought Code Red would always be a drill. He was wrong.__  
><em>

Pairing: Dipeon and Billdip (both one-sided)

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><p><em>Code Red<em>

An alarm blared over the speakers.

"Ah, there is is." The teacher started. "Remember, they will have keys. We need to create a barricade strong enough to keep them from barging in _and _togive us a place to hide."

Like any other drill, the class burst into chatter as chairs squeaked against the tiled floor. Dipper lazily stood from his chair. Being closest to the door, he pushed in the lock and sidestepped his incoming classmates. He weaved through the moving crowd to the nearest untouched desk.

The nineteen year old grunted as he lifted the small desk when the weight rose out of his hands. He growled.

"Don't wear yourself out, hon." a voice with a southern twang trilled. "Let _me _carry this for you."

He craned his neck to glare at the speaker and crossed his arms. "I think I can handle myself just fine, Gideon."

The bigger jerk tutted. "Of course you can. So long as I'm here to protect you."

Dipper huffed. "I don't need _protect—"_

A gunshot rang.

Silence and stillness descended. Dipper's wide eyes met with Gideon's equally wide gaze.

Dipper whispered. "Did you hear–"

Footsteps echoed outside of the room.

"Hide. _Now._" The teacher hissed, pointing to the corner of the room.

Gideon hurriedly but quietly placed the desk down and grabbed Dipper, dragging him into his chest. Despite his dislike for the teen, Dipper didn't protest as the taller boy dragged him to the corner of the room with the rest of the rushing class.

The group of students huddled against one another as the tapping neared. Dipper, squished between Gideon's bulk and the wall, peered around the boy. His skin blanched when, in the silence of the room, a click resonated. Dipper's eyes widened to rival the full moon as the door opened slowly. Then the door swung forwards with a loud bang, prompting gasps as the wood easily knocked aside the barricade of upturned desks and wall of chairs.

Eerie silence fell when, out from behind the door, stepped a dapper dressed man with a smile fit for a shark. He twirled a pistol like one would spin a cane.

"Which one of you humans is Dipper Pines?"

All eyes swiveled to look at the cowering and squashed teen.

"Hmm…" The man hummed. "So is it blondie or the wimp?"

Gideon stammered, pressing his back against Dipper's chest before stuttering out, "I–I'm Dipper Pines."  
>Dipper darted his focus onto Gideon. "What do you think you're <em>doing?" <em>He hissed, feeling his heart race as the man's smile stretched into a smirk.

"Saving you." Gideon returned in a fervent whisper. "If anyone asks, you're Gideon. Got it?"

Just as Dipper opened his mouth to reply, the stranger cut in. "My, my, having a conversation without me, hmm?"

The teen paled as he looked up. Inches from Gideon's forehead was the barrel of the gun.

"Um…" Gideon flinched. "What do you want from me?"

"You? Nothing." The man backhanded Gideon's cheek with the gun, sending the bulky teen sprawling and Dipper jerked after him. "But you…"

Dipper gasped when a gloved hand fisted the back of his shirt. The man yanked him to his feet and pinned his torso to a broad chest, the tip of the gun pressed against his temple. He trembled.

"Let him go!" Gideon held his cheek as he rushed to his feet.

The stranger just grinned. "I caught him, fair and square."

Gideon spluttered. The man wrapped his arm around Dipper's neck and, reflexively, Dipper gasped and clutched at the limb. Gideon paled.

"Don't hurt him!"

"Wouldn't dream of it." The man retorted.

Gideon flicked his gaze across the room, searching for a weapon and stalling for time. "Who are you anyway?"

"Bill Cipher!" The man cheerily replied, sweeping into a bow and by extension forcing Dipper to bow as well. "And I'm here to make a deal!"

Dipper's stomach churned.

He was in for a whirl of trouble.

~oOo~


	7. Haunted

Summary: _They said the house was plagued by ghosts. He should have believed them._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Haunted<em>

"Annnd _done._" The speaker, a scruffy brunet, dumped the cardboard box on the floor.

The teen stood, planted his palms on his hips, and arched his back. Upon hearing a satisfying _pop, _the nineteen year old rolled his shoulders and straightened. He clapped his hands together for a job well done.

Dust rose from his hands. "Now to just un–ah ah–" he sneezed.

"Still sneeze like a kitten." A cheery voice commented.

The teen rolled his eyes. "_Mabel! _You're supposed to be helping me unpack. Not making fun of me!"

"Aw," the girl with features nearly identical to his own whined. "But you're so _cute!"_

"I am _not_ cute." He protested, striding forwards with his chest puffed. "I'm manly as–"

His foot snagged on one of the boxes littering the floor. His weight pitched forwards and he gasped as his face had an abrupt meeting with the carpet. Dust billowed from his fall.

His sibling laughed. "Wow, you _really _need to vacuum."

"_We." _The teen emphasized. "You agreed to help me clean up this place, remember?"

She pouted. "_Fiiine_."

Ungracefully, he stumbled to his feet. "Right. Okay. Cleaning first."

"Um," his twin giggled. "you've got a, uh," she tapped her cheek.

Dipper blushed and wiped at his dusty cheeks. But, seeing as his hands were _also _dusty from his trip, he only succeeded in smearing the dust across his face and under his nose. He sneezed.

"Aw, you _do _sneeze like a kitten." A voice, suave and smooth, cooed.

The siblings stiffened. Warily, they surveyed their surroundings.

"Who was that?" His sister murmured, pivoting to have her back against her brother's, a habit she fell into when, back in their high school days, she had to protect her sibling against bullies.

"Dunno." The boy responded, eyeing the dusty, box filled room.

Other than the battered couch, coffee table, and a pair of rusty windows, there was no other presence in the room.

"Oh-_kaaaay_." The teen pressed his back against his sister's. "That was weird. Are we going crazy?"

"Uh," Mabel began. "The landlord and his wife _did _say it was haunted."

"And you believed them?" the boy scoffed. "Mabel, stuff like ghosts are just superstition! There's no such thing as–"

"Dipper…?" His sibling's tone stopped him short.

Tentatively he prodded. "What…?"

"Do people usually pop out of nowhere and float?"

"_What?" _He whipped around.

His jaw dropped. There, a few feet away from his sister and him, hovered a grinning dapper man in a yellow tuxedo complete with a black top-hat and bowtie. The stranger's black eyed stare pierced Dipper's own and the teen recoiled, heart racing.

"That's not–ghosts don't–what–" He spluttered before his eyes snapped wide. "We've got to get out of here."

"Now, now," the translucent young man waved a gloved hand. "I _just_ wanted to _greet _the newest residents of my home."

Dipper bit his lip. "Yeah, uh, funny thing about that. We'll uh, we really gotta…go…" he paled.

The stranger's hands had erupted into blue fire. Dipper's heart hammered as he stepped closer to his sister and she in turn stepped closer to him, shoulders touching for a semblance of safety. This couldn't be good.

"Oh but you've _just _moved in," the man's shark like grin twitched, "won't you stay awhile?"

Dipper swallowed harshly. "Um…"

"Just what," a southern drawl rolled into the room, "do you think you're doing, _William_?"

The fire dimmed as the dapper man frowned. "It's _Bill, _brat, and you're _ruining _my threat."

The teen exchanged a puzzled glance with his sister when a seemingly disembodied speaker replied. "You ah _scaring _our company. Keep this up and they'll run away like the _last _bunch."

The blue flames diminished completely with a huff and a cane materialized in one of the man's hands. He leaned on the transparent, black cane with his left hand and crossed his ankles. Dipper's gaze shifted from the smirking stranger to search for the other speaker.

"You're no fun, kid." The ghost placed his right hand to his chin, lidding his eyes. "But I know who will be fun."

A melodic tune, right next to Dipper's ear, whispered with a twang. "Yes he will be."

A shriek ripped itself from the teen's vocal cords as he jumped away and collided against his sister's side. With wide eyes and a hammering heart, Dipper gasped for air. When in the world did the _second _stranger stand so close?

"Who–" his question dissolved into incoherent stammering when the second transparent male whipped a rose out of his back light blue pants pocket. "What…is this for…?"

"For you!" The ghost, apparently a teenager, chirped.

Dipper stared. Why would some dead guy give him an equally dead flower? He scrutinized the stranger with platinum blond hair styled into a gelled poof. Was the guy insane? Could ghosts even _be _insane? Or was _he _the one who was insane? Was he and his sister just _imagining _there to be a pair of two ghosts?

"Hey!" Dipper whipped his alarmed gaze to the first dapper ghost. "Gideon, you brat, that's what _I _planned!"

"Too slow, Bill!"

Fire erupted in gloved palms. Dipper ripped his gaze from the Bill to Gideon. A greenish blue aura emanated around the teen clutching his bowtie. Gideon reached for him just as a soft coolness clamped around his forearm. Dipper's skin couldn't blanche any further as he swiveled his gaze onto the force attached to his arm. A gloved hand tugged him into a yellow clothed chest.

"H-hey!" He protested as arms locked across his torso. "Let me go!"

"Dipper!" He jolted when his sister yelped and latched onto Bill's forearms, yanking. "Let him go!"

Bill batted Mabel away with his cane and retreated a few steps only to freeze. "_Gideon_." He growled.

_"Bill."_ The blue suited teen returned, tightening his grip on the glowing bowtie. "He's _mine."_

Oh.

"I'm not–"

"No," Bill retorted. "He's _mine."_

Oh_ no_.

"Dipper's not–"

"Then how about a deal? I know how much you _love _those."

This _couldn't_ be happening.

"Hmm…"

Dipper wriggled in Bill's grip as the young man contemplated. There was _no way._

Two ghosts were bickering.

Over him.

"What's your terms?"

_Crud_.

~oOo~


	8. Stood Up

Summary: _Dipper_'_s date bailed. To make matters worse, the flirty waiter won_'_t leave him alone. _

Pairing: Dipeon (one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Stood Up<em>

A bell jingled as the teen pushed open the door to the nice restaurant. His gaze scoured the crowded room of finely dressed individuals but did not find the one he searched for. Checking his phone for the time, the tension in his shoulders eased. Just a bit early.

"Why, _hello _there, cutie." A southern twang greeted.

Dipper glanced up from his phone. A waiter, plump and tall with platinum blond hair gelled to the sky, grinned at him. He shifted uneasily beneath the stare and tried for a smile.

"Um, table for two?"

"One menu for you," the waiter plucked a pair of the laminated papers from the podium, "and one for me."

Dipper's polite smile thinned. "Uh..."

"Who else would the second menu be for?" The waiter teased.

"Um, for my date?"

The stranger made a show of stepping out from behind the podium to peer around Dipper, standing awfully close. "But you're alone!"

"She'll be here in a bit." He retorted, feeling his agitation rise as he retreated a step.

The other teen clicked his tongue. "To be left waiting at such a refined place as this? A shame."

Dipper, self-conscious in the unfamiliar clothing of a button up shirt and black slacks, and without his hat, adjusted the cuffs of his shirt. "Just," he squirmed, "can you tell me how long the wait is?"

The waiter tutted. "You didn't make a reservation?"

He blushed. "Didn't have time."

"_Well," _the blond teen drawled, "you're lucky to have _me _here! I can get you a table, _without _a reservation_. _Follow me."

Dipper sighed, shoulders relaxing. The waiter led him through the eating patrons until finally gesturing at a large round table lined with a booth. Dipper fidgeted with his cuff-links, eyeing the table clearly sized for a large group of people.

"You sure this is a table for two?" He glanced at the other, smaller, tables. "I don't think-"

"Are you the one who works here or am I?" The teen returned hotly.

He stuttered to a stop. "You do."

"That's what I thought." The waiter grinned and placed the menus on the tabletop. "Now sit on down, hon. I'll be with you soon."

The teen swiveled on his heel and sauntered away, exaggeratedly swaying his hips. Dipper rolled his eyes but slid into the booth, making sure to sit on the side where the door was visible. He pulled out his phone from his pants back pocket and placed it atop the table's marble surface. He clicked the device but no messages had appeared. Unlocking the phone, he tapped a message and sent it. Hopefully she'd reply with how long she'd be.

He leaned forwards, bracing a fist against a cheek, and fiddled with his phone. Minutes passed when the booth dipped.

"Whoo," the familiar drawl cooed in his ear and he jumped. "Sorry it took so long. I had tah pull a few strings."

Dipper jerked away from the face _way _to close to his own. He scooted away and shot the stranger a glare. Did the guy even _know_ about personal space?

"Now," the jerk puffed out his chest and slid to Dipper's side. "What would like tah drink? Water? Soda? Wine? Me?"

"Just some water." As the waiter's last words registered, his cheeks heated and he spluttered. "Oh, _ew! _You are-"

"The man of your dreams?" The waiter offered.

"-disgusting." Dipper finished, glaring. "Not only am I _not_ bi, I have a date _and _I'm not interested."

"Oh you don't mean that." The jerk batted his eyes. "You wouldn't even have a table if it weren't for me."

"Listen," he squinted at the stranger's nametag. "_Gideon._ I have a _date._ And _she_ should be here soon."

Gidon hummed a surprisingly clear note. "But _I'm _already here. I could serenade you with a song."

Dipper edged away. "Yeah, no thanks. Could I have a different waiter? You're creeping me out."

The jerk pouted. "But-"

"Creeping. Me. Out."

"Ugh, _fine. _I'll get us some water."

He sighed as Gideon slipped away and out of the booth. Then he realized _what _exactly the jerk said and groaned.

"This," he muttered, "is going to be a _long _night."

~oOo~

The bell jingled. Dipper glanced at the swinging door, anxiously tapping his fingers against the tabletop. He bit his lip when, once again, the individual who stepped through the doorway was not the one he expected. Sighing, he poked his phone but the device had not buzzed in the last fifteen minutes,

"Maybe she's just late..." He murmured.

"Or, hon," a southern twang trilled, "she stood you up."

Dipper sank in the chair and pushed his empty glass of water across the table and towards the speaker.

"Back off." He ground out. "I'm not in the mood."

"See," Gideon, ever relentless, tipped the pitcher to fill the glass. "You wouldn't have this problem if you'd just date me! I'll be faithful _and_ punctual!"

"I already told you, I'm not-"

Still refusing to heed the teen's rejections, Gideon pushed on and whipped out a small pad of paper from his apron. "Since she's _clearly _not comin', what would ya like tah eat?"

Dipper grumbled. "Chicken wings."

Gideon halted, pen hovering above the first sheet of parchment. His eye twitched. "Ya gonna eat _chicken wings_ at a place like this?"

"It's on the menu!" The teen countered.

Gideon eyed him flatly. "The _children's _section."

Dipper huffed. "Can I have it or not?"

The waiter muttered to himself. Dipper blinked. Did he hear that right?

"What?"

Gideon cleared his throat. "It's a good thing you're cute."

Dipper blushed, embarrassed. "Uh."

"So chicken wings for you," the waiter scribbled, "and a plate of spaghetti for me, which we can share and by the way you're paying."

Before Dipper had the chance to respond, Gideon whisked away with a giggle. He sighed, sank deeper into the cushions, and dropped his forehead onto the tabletop.

"Why me?" He whined. "Why?"

Too soon, the flirty waiter returned and sat beside him. He gritted his teeth and scooted away.

"Don't you have other people to bother or tables to serve?"

"You're the only one for me." Gideon cooed and leaned close. "And technically my shift was over after I sat you down. So no, I have no other tables to wait."

Dipper spluttered and leaned away. "Well, uh..."

"So _technically _you can consider this our first date!"

"What? _No!"_ He protested. "I already told you I'm-"

"Guess I outta check up on our food!" Gideon interrupted with exuberant cheer as he stood and sauntered off. "Don't miss me too much!"

Dipper sagged. "I am _never _coming back here." He muttered.

Once again, he fiddled with his phone, hoping beyond hope his supposed date had texted him. Upon checking that she had not, in fact, contacted him, he heaved another sigh.

"This sucks." He slouched and stretched his legs beneath the table. "Maybe I should just-no, I already ordered, damn."

Picking up his phone, Dipper tapped the screen until he finally opened an application. Maybe a game would soothe the ache of being stood up. He slid his finger across the screen, swiping the digital tiles around and steadily completing the puzzle.

Warm air brushed by his cheek. "What cha playin'?"

Dipper would forever deny that the sound his voice made was an unholy shade of a high pitched screech. Where the hell did the jerk come from? He dropped his phone onto his lap and jerked away. Gideon had the nerve to laugh.

"Whoo, there, didn't mean ta scare ya but the food's here. Don't want it to get cold, now do ya?"

Dipper's heart slowly stopped hammering at his chest. He exhaled heavily, and shot the smug jerk a withering glare. Gideon just laughed louder.

He was right.

"C'mon. Dig in!"

It really _was_ going to be a _long _night.

~oOo~


	9. On Fire

Summary: _Dipper's house goes up in smoke and there's just one demon around to save him._

Pairing: Billdip (one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>On Fire<em>

Alright. He could _do_ this.

He absently pushed aside his sibling's purring cat with his foot. "Not now, Oreo. I'm busy."

Cooking was a simple task, right?

"Okay." Dipper glared at the instructions on the back of the box. "So heat the water until it boils. Right. Okay. I can do that."

He spun the knob on the stove. Fire lit from the metal surface of the stove and he placed the pan sloshing with water atop the metal. Mabel's kitten rubbed against his pant leg but he ignored the furry little nuisance.

"So…" his eyes skimmed the words. "After the water boils, pour in the macaroni."

He nodded to himself. That sounded feasible. But whoo he needed fresh air. This was a work out! He crossed the room and opened the window facing the street and returned to the counter, chest puffed with pride. He didn't need help to work the kitchen. Not at all. Easy peasy. He placed the box atop the counter beside the stove and turned to open the fridge. The annoying fur-ball meowed and pawed his pants. Once again, he ignored the critter.

"So I'm going to need…oh, man…" Where was the milk?

He bit his lip, eyeing the stove. Peering at the water, he debated internally. It wasn't even close to boiling and the store was just at the corner of his block. It wouldn't hurt to leave for five minutes, right?

He rubbed his arm. He'd heard of people's houses accidentally being set on fire by leaving their stove unattended. But he was just boiling water! Surely, even if the flame were to go out of control and the water overflowed, the water would douse the flames. Right?

Besides, he'd only be gone for five minutes. That's about the amount of time for water to boil, right? Right.

Dumb decision made, Dipper turned the knob onto a lower setting. He bustled out of the kitchen, the black and white kitten hot on his heels. Winding into the living room, Dipper rushed to the couch, grasped his jacket, and threw it on. Tugging the clothing, he patted the pockets. Good, he nodded as he heard the familiar jingling, his keys were there.

But did he have enough cash? He pulled out his wallet while walking to the door, internally counting the money. A familiar tugging on his pants caused him to halt and roll his eyes.

Crouching, he absently patted the glaring cat. "Be good." He murmured.

He straightened, habitually ignoring the beady little stare. Checking his wallet and pocket once again, he opened the door.

The little monster yowled and he cringed as claws sunk through his pants.

"Demon cat." He muttered, exchanging a heated glare with the angry little fuzzball. "I already fed you."

The cute monstrosity just narrowed its eyes further. He scoffed, pried off the cat, gently placed it on the floor…and darted out the door before the little demon could escape. He laughed.

"Score one to Dipper!" He cheered to the howling cat inside the house. "Score zero for the demon cat!"

The sweet sound of angry defeat followed him down the steps and onto the pavement until the cat's meows faded with distance. Man, the little brat had a serious set of vocals. Oh, but he needed to hurry.

Shaking off his mirth, he quickened his pace and power walked along the sidewalk. Oddly enough, dread started to pool in his stomach.

Not soon enough, he arrived at the store and bustled in, hurriedly grabbing milk and rushing to the cashier. By the time he finished and had strode out of the store, the unease had increased into a raging fervor.

Something was wrong.

Trusting his instincts, for they had saved him numerous times from monsters, he sprinted home. Eyes wide, he skidded to a halt in front of the quaint colorful building. Did he smell smoke? He approached the house and squinted. Faint wisps of gray rose from an open window.

Inhaling sharply, he dropped the grocery bag. That _had _to be smoke! The little monster had set the house on fire! He rushed forwards but a force grasped the back of his shirt, stopping him short.

"Ah, ah, ah!" A voice, high-pitched and _way _to cheery, scolded. "Charging into burning buildings is a _bad idea_, Pine Tree."

"My cat!" He shouted, struggling against the grip. "I need to save him!"

"And get yourself killed in the process?" The speaker retorted.

"Let me go! He'll _die _in there, Bill!"

The dapper demon masquerading as a human huffed and hauled him backwards. "If the little beast is _so _important to you, then let _me_ get it…for a price."

"Forget it!" Dipper squirmed free and barreled forwards. "I'll save him myself!"

Bill swore as the teen flung open the door and sped into the kitchen. "Godamnit, Pine Tree!" He raced after Dipper.

"Oreo?" Dipper called, frantic. "_Oreo!" _

Oh hell, where was the little guy?

"Please be okay." He muttered, lifting the collar of his shirt to cover his nose and mouth as he sprinted to the kitchen and thus the source of the fire. He paled.

"Oh…" He coughed, staring dumbstruck at the sight.

It seemed a fiery inferno had erupted from the stove. He shook his head. Where was Oreo? He coughed and dropped his gaze to the floor. Promptly, his skin blanched to an unhealthy shade of white. Oh no…

"Oreo? His lungs constricted.

There, too still on the kitchen tiles, lay the smoke covered kitten. Water pricked the corners of his eyes and he coughed, rushing forwards. The fire raged and the heat seemed to reach a boiling point as he neared, but he knelt beside the cat and cradled it in his arms. Faintly, he could see the layer of sooty fur sink then rise. Hope welled in his chest. They needed to get out. Just as he stood, blackness spotted across his vision.

"Shi…" he swore, stumbling and sweating.

Just as his balance tipped and he fell forwards, expecting a collision with the heated tiles, arms wrapped around his shoulders and he sank into the hold.

"You idiot." Bill muttered. "I could've lost you."

He fainted.

~oOo~

**Note: Thank you to those who have followed, favorited, or reviewed! You all make me ridiculously happy!**


	10. Garden Shop

Summary: _Dipper worked at a flower shop. A simple job really, until a pair of blonds walked in._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Garden Shop<em>

"That'll be ten dollars." Dipper smiled pleasantly, gently placing the flowers in the bag.

The customer returned the expression and handed him a ten. He accepted the dollar with a thank you and bid the stranger farewell. The bell above the door jingled as the customer left.

"Well," he dropped onto the stool, checking his watch with a sigh. "Just half an hour left."

Oh how his feet _ached. _He resisted the urge to kick off his sneakers, instead choosing to roll his shoulders with a groan. Absently, he scanned the flower covered room. Nope. No one else in the building besides the flowers in pots hanging from the wall and the flowers bunched together in the pots on the floor. He slouched and reached beneath the counter to grab his book.

A bell chimed.

"Shut up hon, it's _not_ funny." A southern drawl snapped and Dipper straightened.

Footsteps clicked on the tiles as a high pitched voice shot back. "It's funny how dumb you are."

"Y–you! You're as ugly as…as this here dead plant!"

Dipper frowned, tucked away his book, and stood. Who was making fun of his sister's hard grown flowers?

"Stooping to petty insults? How like you." A blond, sharply dressed man in a yellow tux stepped around a tall sunflower. "But I suppose I must fall to your level if you are to understand. You're taste in suits are like _this _flower–horrid and dull."

"Hey." Dipper cut in, planting his palm on the counter. "If you're just going to insult the flowers then I suggest you leave."

The blond whipped his glare onto Dipper and _whoa _that was a killer stare. Dipper recoiled and the stranger's glare softened into a piercing gaze. Dipper fidgeted in place.

"Um," he started, shrinking beneath the scrutiny. "My sibling put a lot of love into those flowers. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't–hey hey _hey! Way too close"_

The stranger, having strode to the counter, leaned across the marble surface and purred into Dipper's personal space. "Pardon the intrusion, cutie. You'll have to excuse my…" he paused, as if searching for the right word, "friend. Yes, _friend_."

"Now hold up," the souther twang protested and Dipper retreated from the grinning shark to peer around the blond at the speaker. "Oh _my."_

Dipper frowned, puzzled, when the owner of the voice, a blue suited teenager, blushed. "What–"

"You're gorgeous." The platinum blond breathed and snatched the nearest rose. "I'd like this one, please."

Dipper's brow furrowed. What was _up _with these two weirdos? Still, he wasn't one to turn away potential customers, even if they _were _rude and _really _weird. So long as they were paying then he was fine because, hey, his sister and he had to make money for resources such as food after all.

The platinum blond sauntered forwards and elbowed aside the tuxedo wearing young man. Dipper leaned away as the blue suited stranger leaned forwards.

"Right, okay." Dipper glanced at the flower and tapped the price into the cashier. "That'll be–"

The teen slapped a wad of cash onto the counter. "Is a hundred enough? It is? Good. Keep the change because you're a hundred in my eyes."

Dipper stared, slightly dazed at the sight of so many twenties. "That's–"

"_Gideon!"_ The weird blond from before shoulder clipped the platinum haired teen. "I'd _never _be so shallow as to compare you to money. You're worth more than just a bunch of _bills_."

The young man placed a white rose on the counter. "I'll give you _two _hundred because you remind me of this flower–beautiful."

Dipper floundered for words. He only succeeded in asking about the _least _of his worries. "But weren't you two _just _dissing–"

The teen, Gideon apparently, humphed. "Well _I _wouldn't compare him to a dead thing that will just wilt with time, _Bill_." He turned to Dipper. "You're beauty will _never _fade."

Dipper glanced to the side, rubbing his arm. _Wow,_ this got awkward fast. The blond, Will or something, steamed.

"When I look at you, I see–"

"Oh would you look at the time!" Dipper yelped, putting on a show of looking at his watch. "The shop closes in five minutes. Please make your purchases and _leave_."

Gideon beamed and Dipper shuddered. "Ignore Bill. Can I buy you a date to dinner?"

"Uh–"

Bill flashed his teeth. "Wouldn't you prefer a dinner date with _me?_ I can take you to the royalist place in town!"

"Um–"

"I can serenade you with a lovely song!"

"_I _can dance the waltz!"

"Well _I–"_

Horror and realization finally whacked Dipper upside the head. "You guys are flirting with me."

The bickering blonds paused. They exchanged frowns before frowning together at Dipper.

"Yes?" Bill questioned. "Isn't it obvious?"

Dipper had to sit down. "Two guys are flirting. With _me."_

He buried his face in his hands. _Why? _Why him? Never had a date before with a girl but always wanted one but nooo. Two admittedly good looking guys had no problem asking him out! Ugh! He wasn't even bisexual!

_So _not fair.

"No. Look," Dipper shook his head and the two males grinned eagerly. "I'm not interested. In _either _of you," he added upon noticing the two sending superior smirks at each other.

Both frowned and protested in sync. "But–"

"_No."_ Dipper stayed firm. "I am _not _bi, let alone gay. So _no._ I am _not _dating _either _of you and I will be closing this shop in," he checked the time, "two minutes!"

The blonds pouted but he crossed his arms. He was straight as a board. There was _no way _he would date a guy. He liked girls, damnit. Besides, these two guys were bizarro weirdos anyway.

Bill broke the silence. "What if I offered you the garden of my mansion?"

Gideon tacked on. "Or what if I offered you my mansion itself?"

Dipper puffed out his cheeks. Couldn't they see he wasn't interested?

"You know what?" Dipper huffed, picking up the flowers and shoving them into the _boy's_ (because that's what they were _behaving _like) chests. "Take the flowers and–"

"But–" They protested.

"–_leave!"_

He curved around the counter and grasped their biceps. He dragged the two finely dressed and spluttering boys to the door. Geeze, they were _whiny _losers. Couldn't they handle rejection? He released Gideon to open the glass door and yanked Bill outside. In short order he grabbed Gideon and shoved him outside too.

As the two ungentlemanly gentlemen whined at the door, Dipper flipped the lock and stomped to the counter. He removed his apron and glared at the counter. Promptly, he groaned. Damnit, he forgot to return their money.

Gritting his teeth, (because the two rich jerks were _still _whining) he walked around the counter and punched in the prices and the cashier opened. He stuffed two twenties into the register and pulled out two tens and slapped them onto the wad of cash, one ten for each pile.

He stormed to the door, holding the bills in his hand, unlocked the lock, and wrenched the handle.

"You forgot your money." He growled and pointedly avoided the suddenly gleaming gazes as he pushed the money into their hands.

He swiveled on his heel. "Now if you'll _excuse_ me, It's time for my brea–hey hey _hey!"_

Hands, one gloved and the other not, on his shoulders ground him to a halt. He clenched his fists. When would they _learn?_

"We're going to a nice restaurant!" Bill cheered.

"Consider it a date!" Gideon added.

Dipper whirled out of the grip. "Would you two _take a hint? _I'm not–_oh my gosh_…_"_

The blonds grinned smug little smiles because behind them were a pair of sleek cars. One gold Maserati and the other a vibrant blue Bugatti Veyron. Dipper sucked in his breath. The two cars were not only widely known to be ludicrously expensive, but they were the best of the best cars and to simply _afford _one… No wonder they were throwing money at him! He bit his lip. But why would a pair of wealthy jerks be doing at a cheap little flower shop?

"Um–uh–uh…" Dipper stuttered.

They had to have so much _money. _If he had even a _smidgen _of their paycheck then he and Mabel could afford so much! He'd be able to pay for a college tuition at his favorite school without worrying about the student debt he'd only be able to pay off when he became forty! Mabel would be able to attend the art college and visit New York or other countries! He could travel to London and meet his favorite authors! He could–he and Mabel could do _so much._

Wait, was he _really_ considering taking advantage of someone? Shame washed over him. No matter how much he wanted to, it was not only dishonest and to play with someone's feelings… He shook his head with a resigned sigh. They wanted a romantic relationship which he just couldn't give. Friendship? Sure, but romance? No way.

"Listen," he pinched the bridge of his nose and the two leaned forwards. "I'm sorry but I…I can't."

"But why _not?" _Gideon pressed. "We'll take good care of you! We've got money."

Minor agitation flared. He was trying to be _considerate _here! He wasn't something someone could buy then throw away! And they were going to learn that the _hard way._

"I _know _you two are _wealthy._" He bit out. "But no means _no–whoa! Hands off!"_

He swatted the gloved hands on his hips but Bill relentlessly tugged him into his side and dragged him along towards the gold Maserati. Gideon grinned and chatted animatedly.

"Oh I'm sure you'll look _lovely _in a suit." The teen jabbered.

"You mean _tuxedo_." Bill interjected and Gideon huffed.

"No, he's going to wear a–"

"No, he should wear–"

While the two bickered and walked, Dipper wriggled in the surprisingly strong grip. "Let me go!"

Bill just tightened his hold and Dipper squirmed. He stumbled when the man's forward motion went back as the blond opened the back door to the gold colored vehicle.

"This is kidnapping!" He shouted as the jerk stuffed him into the back of the car.

"No it's not!" Bill cheerily denied. "We're taking you out on a date and we've just picked you up!"

Dipper surged forwards but the door slammed shut followed by a resounding click. He jiggled the handle but the door didn't budge. As the man curved around the front, he tried the lock but it wouldn't budge. Damn. Why did the jerk have the children's safety lock engaged?

Bill opened the driver door and slipped into the sleek interior, placing the white rose on the passenger seat. Dipper huffed and crossed his arms as the jerk smoothed out of park and cruised onto the street.

"Buckle up." his kidnaper chimed.

Dipper growled but complied, glaring at the man. "This is _still_ kidnapping."

"_Date_." Bill countered stubbornly. "I picked you up for a _date_."

He rolled his eyes. "What were you two even doing at my shop? It's not like you couldn't afford a," he curled his lip, "_nicer _place with not _ugly_ flowers."

Why yes, he still felt spite for the two's insults. No one got away with bashing his sister's hard work. She put her heart and soul into growing those flowers! Just because they were wealthy didn't give them the right to be jerks.

Bill stammered. "Oh, well, we didn't _mean _to–" He inhaled and restarted. "We actually came because we heard your little shop was one of the best and we needed a bunch of flowers for the ballroom dance this Friday."

Trying not to preen from the praise because the jerk had still _kidnapped _him and all, Dipper eyed him skeptically. "Then why didn't you buy bouquets?"

"Because we found something better."

Taking a moment to understand the hidden meaning, he flushed. "Oh, um…I'd say that's nice and all except for the fact that," the redness receded, "you _kidnapped _me."

"Oh hush." Bill scoffed. "We did _not _kidnap you. We're just taking you out on a date."

"I don't know which one's worse: the kidnapping or the date." He rolled his eyes and rested his chin on his palm, peering out the window.

What was he going to tell Mabel?

~oOo~


	11. Garden Shop Part 2

Summary: _Dipper worked at a flower shop. A simple job really, until a pair of blonds walked in._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Garden Shop Part 2<em>

"Before we go to the restaurant," Bill began, "you have to look the part."

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Or you could just _not."_

The tux wearing jerk scoffed. "You are about to have the _time of your life_. Don't you want to enjoy it, even a little?"

Dipper curled his lip. "You insulted Mabel's flowers."

"And I apologized!"

"Technically, you didn't."

"Oh, well, I'm _sorry. _There, happy?"

Dipper, like a rich snob, turned up his nose. "You don't sound sincere."

"_You_–oh…" Bill hesitated awkwardly. "I never got your name."

Entirely against giving his name to someone with monetary power over him because they'd probably find a way to sue him or something, Dipper accused. "Now you're changing the topic!"

Bill huffed. "Would you just tell me your name? Here, I'll even give you mine. I am Bill."

"Did you say Richard? Because you're a _dick."_

Bill steamed before grinning slyly. "No, but I have one. Would you like to see it?"

Dipper blushed and uttered words he never thought he'd say. "You're sexually harassing me! That's a crime! I outta send you to jail for that _and _for kidnapping me!"

A double whammy! The jerk _had _to let him go now!

"Godamnit, you little twat. Would you just–"

"You called me a twat!" Dipper yelped. "This is _bullying_!"

He would _not _stand for this! If he was going to be dragged somewhere he didn't want to go then, damnit, he was going down with a fight!

"_Okay_." Bill bit out and paused to breathe. "Geeze, you're a vocal little fellow."

Dipper puffed his chest. Was that the jerk's resolve wilting he was hearing?

"_But!" _The man continued. "It really adds to your charm. It's rare someone has the guts to stand up to me. I think I like you even _more _now."

Oh. Oh no no no _no! _This was _not _what he planned!

"Just–" Dipper crossed his arms and glared out the window. "Drop me off…here…" his eyes widened, staring out the window.

That…that _couldn't _be. As Bill cruised to a stop, Dipper's jaw dropped. Bill slipped out of the car and spoke with only who Dipper assumed to be a valet man while he stared. An elaborately grandiose department store towered above him. Dipper's stomach churned. Oh dear…

The door beside him opened and a warm gloved palm gently grasped his bicep. Dipper continued to stare as the hand guided him out of the vehicle and only absently registered the fact that Bill was speaking to him.

His breath hitched and his chest constricted. Geeze, not only was he underdressed to even walk _into _the famous store, he felt entirely inadequate standing next to the confident wealthy man beside him. His heart hammered and his hands started to shake.

"–alright?"

Dipper blinked, breath shallow. "W–what?"

The man's features softened and he murmured. "I said are you alright?"

Dipper wasn't, but he wasn't about to admit to being afraid to walk into a _mall _of all things. Granted, it was a mall that required the wealthy customers to show their ID before entering and was widely known to be the best of the best malls. Quite the intimidating picture.

He nodded. "I–I'm fine."

Bill studied him doubtfully but didn't press. Instead, he straightened when Gideon appeared and handed his keys to the valet.

"I get to drive him to the restaurant!" Gideon chirped before noticing Dipper's state. "Oh, hon…" his features softened. "You'll be fine."

Dipper stiffened. Was he _that _obvious? He shook off Bill's hand and straightened. Despite his trembling form, he crossed his arms and puffed his chest.

"Or you could just take me home."

"Now, now," Bill captured his arm once again. "It'll be painless. Maybe even fun!"

"Uh." Dipper started as Bill dragged him forwards. "W–wait!"

He dug his heels into the brick path winding to the ritzy mall. Instead of listening to him, Gideon grasped his other arm and together the two jerks dragged him forwards.

Dipper swallowed harshly, shrinking in on himself.

Oh this was going to be _hell._

~oOo~


	12. Still as a Statue Part 3

Summary: _Dipper never should have visited the museum.__  
><em>

Pairing: Dipeon (one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Still as a Statue Part 3<em>

Not soon enough the credits rolled and Gideon _finally _removed his heavy booty from Dipper's lap. Dipper slowly stood, feeling the pins and needles stab his sleeping legs. Oh hell, the _pain._ Dipper gritted his teeth, refusing to complain and show weakness in front of the grinning jerk.

"Now off to the limo and I'll drive you home!"

Dipper raised a brow, withholding the urge to cringe. He'd rather walk. "You drive?"

"Yes!" Gideon huffed before smiling. "But my chauffeur will be the one to drive us this fine evening so you won't feel so alone without me."

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Great."

Gideon hooked an arm around Dipper's and led him out of the theater. The brunet, too tired to protest, allowed the jerk to drag him to a sleek limousine. Oddly enough, his stomach churned. Was…was someone watching them? Trusting his instincts, he pivoted. Oh. He blinked. There were quite a _lot _of stares. He glanced at the limo. But maybe that was because of the limo. Right. Yeah. That's it.

"Dipper, dear?"

"Don't call me that." He sighed.

Gideon hummed.

Maybe he was just being paranoid. He let Gideon open the door and he stepped inside. He just wanted to go hooo–_wow _that was some serious interior design!

While he gawked, Gideon pushed him into the leather seats and spoke with the driver. Wow, geeze, Gideon really _was _loaded. TV screens? A little fridge? What did he _do _with all this stuff?

"–and, hon–are you even listening?"

Ignoring the voice and the sound of an engine revving, Dipper reached for the fridge. Did Gideon _really_ have food in there? What was next? A _microwave? _He opened the little door.

"_Whoa." _He breathed. Even the food was deluxe!

A mirthful twang finally broke through the haze of fascination. "You can have some if you'd like, dahlin'."

Dipper recoiled from the fridge as if burnt. Oh, that's _right. _This was _Gideon,_ his _arch-nemesis._ He shouldn't be poking around and showing interest in anything of the jerk's stuff! Gideon would so take it the wrong way and think he was interested in _him _or something.

Convoluted logic set, Dipper closed the fridge and crossed his arms. "I'm not hungry."

The blond rolled his eyes and slid closer. "Yes you are."

Dipper scooted away from Gideon. "Nuh-uh." He denied. "And stay on your side this time. Ever heard of personal space?"

"Only that it's for common folk." Gideon countered and followed.

'Funny thing about that," Dipper retreated further until his side hit the door. "_I'm _a common folk so it applies and–_hey!_"

Gideon leaned against Dipper, squishing him. Dipper growled and wiggled, stubbornly ignoring the high pitched giggle. Damn jerk. This was the _second _time he'd been squashed. He squirmed free and walked to the seat across from Gideon, sitting down beside the fridge. He crossed his arms.

"_Not _funny." He growled.

"Oh it was funny," Gideon rebuked then sighed. "But it seems we're here."

Immediately, Dipper perked. The limo cruised to a stop and he all but lunged at the door. Gideon followed him out the vehicle and had to sprint to keep up with Dipper's mad dash to the Mystery Shack's door. He was home! He was _finally _home! Once inside, Gideon would leave him alone! Dipper bust open the door.

"Dahlin', wait," Gideon panted, hands on his knees. "Whoo, give me a moment. I need ta breathe."

The teen gripped the handle but nonetheless paused, nearly completely hidden by the door. "What."

The jerk straightened, pursed his lips, and leaned forwards.

Oh the _nerve _of him! Dipper growled out a swear and slammed the door shut.

Geeze. Dipper leaned against the wood.

That was the _worst_ date _ever._

_~oOo~_

Gideon huffed, nursing the new bruise on his cheek. Damn. He didn't get a goodnight's kiss. A shame really, but he supposed he'd have to take it slow with Dipper. He turned to the limo. And really, the ride was so _short._ He'd have to remember to ask the chauffeur to drive in circles the next time they go on a date to stretch out their time together. Hopefully Dipper wouldn't notice.

Well, he mentally patted himself on the back as he opened the limo's door.

"So did you get any good photos?" He asked the driver and received a nod. "Let me see them."

The chauffeur gave the expensive camera to Gideon and the rich teen turned it on with a grin.

That was by far the _best _date_ ever._

Until he noticed the stain on his sleeve.

"My _suit!" _

~oOo~

Dipper heard the delightful shriek and grinned.

Okay, maybe the night wasn't _totally _awful_._

_ "Where were you, young man?"_

Dipper froze. "M–Mabel!" He squeaked.

Oh hell, what was _she_ going to think? He rubbed his arm as he slowly turned around and peered into the living room. There on the couch sat his sister, knitting with an unusually blank face. Oh _hell_.

"U–uh, um…well you see…"

He stammered out his explanation in a rush of incoherency.

Mabel stared.

Then exploded.

_"What?"_

Dipper fidgeted with his hat, blushing and breathed. He restarted. "Um, well I might've sorta been kidnapped by um uh, our archenemy Gideon and dragged to go on a date with him and it was awful."

Mabel burst into action. She zipped off the couch and grabbed his forearm, yanking him into the living room. There was _no way._ Dipper _couldn't _be talking about the same creepy guy who had dragged _her _on various uncomfortable dates when they were twelve. Was Gideon really bisexual? Was he? Was this really true?

And here she thought Dipper just was out late monster hunting when really he was out on a _date?_

Dipper, despite wishing he could just collapse into his bed, took the time to describe the date (he _still _cringed at the notion) as best as he could.

"You know what's really weird?"

Mabel bounced in place. Despite the creepiness of it all, she almost felt bad for feeling amused by Dipper's misery. "What? What?"

"I felt like someone was following us. I didn't notice at first but as soon as we left the theater…I dunno, it was weird."

Mabel frowned before her spirits returned. "Well at least it's over!"

Dipper had a feeling that Gideon's obsession was far, far from over.

This was _just _the beginning.

~oOo~


	13. Digging Deep

Summary: _The student archeologist Dipper Pines didn't expect an ancient artifact to be enchanted. Or that he would accidentally summon a demon__._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Digging Deeper<em>

"Dipper Pines, I swear, we're _not _going to find anything!"

The nineteen year old wiped his sweating brows with a frown. "Gideon–"

"No, Dipper, we've been excavating this place for _days _and haven't found a _thing._ We are _wasting _our time here! Everything's that can be found _has been_ found!"

Dipper frowned, shifting to a kneeling position on the rocky, dusty ground. "But the professors–"

"Have had their fill of laughs! We should just change our culture research project while there's still time!"

The college kid scowled and placed the tools in his hand to the ground. "I never asked you to work with me. And if I remember correctly," he jabbed a finger at the glaring teen, "_you _practically drooled out that you were willing to do _any project I chose._ And I chose to explore the origin of the triangular symbol of the illuminati and if there is any connection to the Egyptian pyramids!"

The blond flung his arms out to his sides. "And you chose _the middle of nowhere _as your location sight?"

"If you have a problem," Dipper huffed and spun away from the overheated jerk, "then do your _own _project!"

"Maybe I will!" Gideon retorted.

"Good!"

"Fine!"

As Gideon stormed away, Dipper leaned back onto his hands and dug his fingers into the uneven rock. What a _jerk! _So what if the site had already been excavated before? It's possible the previous archeologists had missed something! He had a good feeling about the site! As he put more weight onto the stone, it shifted beneath him and he gasped, unbalanced. Geeze, he needed to be more care–_ow!_

He waved his hand before bringing his palm close for inspection. He blinked upon seeing a small slit, the size of a paper cut, of blood on his index finger. Odd. He turned and studied the rock. Nope, just an ordinary rock now smeared with blood. He sighed, dejected and grabbed the stone with his other hand.

"Just great." He muttered. "This is pointless."

He tossed the rock and drew his knees to his chest. When the stone landed with an odd _clang _he perked. What was that? He clambered over various rocks to find the source of the metallic sound. Between two large slanted stones rested a red smeared rusty triangle but no bloody rock in sight.

Dipper blinked. The blood looked fresh but how could his blood be on the triangle if it was the rock that had cut his finger? Shrugging, because he finally _found _something, even if it was a corroded metal ring bent in the shape of triangle which someone probably dropped, he picked up the triangle.

And then, out of thin air in the middle of the rusted triangular ring, opened an eye.

Dipper shrieked and dropped the item like it was on fire. "What the hell was that!"

He backpedaled from the item because _holy hell it was_ _glowing now. _He scrambled away from the brightening object and started to turn. Just _what_ _was going–_was that an earthquake?

"W-_whoa!" _Dipper gasped as the ground rumbled and seemed to drop out from beneath him.

He lunged forwards as the ground cracked and he tumbled to the floor. The ground split and light erupted from the surface, blinding him and he flinched, shutting his eyes. High pitched laughter resounded as the light dimmed and Dipper slowly opened his eyes.

"Whoo! It's been awhile since I've been outside the mindscape!"

He gasped and fumbled for his phone. Punching in the familiar number, he struggled for coherency when the angry speaker answered.

"G–Gideon!" Dipper yelped. "You've gotta see this!"

Static crackled. "Not falling for it, hon!"

"_Please!" _His voice cracked. "You won't believe me otherwise!"

"Who are you talking to?"

Dipper paled when the humanoid tux wearing stranger swooped through the air and landed in front of him. He nearly dropped his phone when the grinning human looking man thing grasped his chin and tilted his head. He shook. Oh hell, what did he _do?_ Where did the guy even _come _from? How did he _fly?_ Just _what was going on?_

The man brought his face close and his breath ghosted over Dipper's rosy cheeks. "What's the name behind this lovely face?"

"D–Dipper…" Dipper breathed, eyes wide like a deer in the headlights.

The man grinned. "I'm Bill. Bill Ci–"

"Get away from him!"

"–_iiiiipher!"_

Dipper gasped as a blue clothed figure skidded to a halt after barreling into the stranger. Bill, apparently, was sent sailed ungracefully through the air until he floated to a halt. He adjusted his top hat and folded his arms behind his back, hovering slowly to the ground with a scowl firmly set on his face.

"Why would you do that, you brat?"

Gideon stepped protectively in front of Dipper and shot back. "Who the hell are you?"

The man tutted. "_Rude._ But if you _must _know, I am Bill. Bill Cipher. And who are you?_"_

"Gideon." He returned. "Now _what _are you?"

Bill's shoes clicked against the rock. "My, you _are _a rude one! I want to speak with Dipper over there. He's _much _more fun."

"You're not getting within _five feet _of him." Gideon countered heatedly.

Dipper frowned. Hey, didn't he get a say? Not that he didn't agree with Gideon, but still.

"Oh really?" Bill challenged with a grin.

Dipper paled when wind brushed past them and suddenly Bill was looming above him.

"I am an demon and I know lots of things…oh yes, lots of things…"

Dipper swallowed harshly. "Is that so?"

"You bet!"

Gideon frowned and tugged Dipper away from the weirdo and behind him. Dipper scowled but nonetheless stayed behind Gideon.

"Hey." Dipper started as an idea started to form. "Think they'll believe _this _at the college?"

Gideon just shot him a glare.

~oOo~


	14. Hide and Seek

Summary: _Dipper disguises as a witch to protect his identity while guarding the town. Unfortunately for him, two blonds are determined to figure him out._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Hide and Seek<em>

The teen adjusted the wig and twirled his wand. "Geeze, why do dress's have to be so _airy?"_

"_Dippingsauce_," his twin scolded, dabbing her index finger into the fair skinned the foundation and dotting it onto his forehead, covering his birthmark. "When you agreed to guard the town, you agreed to crossdressing to hide your identity."

"No I didn't."

"Okay no you didn't." Mabel agreed cheerily and applied the makeup into Dipper's cheeks. "I just wanted to play dress up with someone."

"I feel like a doll." Dipper grouched as she took a damp special sponge to spread the foundation evenly. "It's dark. No one's going to see me, so why do I have to wear makeup?"

Mabel grinned. "Because I need to practice and your the perfect candidate!"

"What about Candy and Grenda?" He sucked in a breath and shut his eyes when his sibling grasped a fluffier brush.

"They're out of town, silly!" Mabel coated the poofy brush into powder and patted it onto Dipper's face.

While the teen resisted the urge to sneeze, Mabel finished coating his face to set the foundation in place. He tried not to groan as his sister continued on to apply makeup to his lips, eyebrows, and eyes. Not soon enough, she grasped a makeup setting spray to finally_, finally _finish and be done with prepping him up. He shut his eyes as she added the final touch.

"Now to paint your nails!"

Oh _hell _no.

Dipper launched himself off his grunkle's couch and skirted around his sibling. He was willing to put on a wig. He could even handle makeup. Even _worse _he could take wearing a dress. But his _nails? _Nuh-uh. Even _he _had limits.

_"Dipper!" _She protested. "At least tie your shoes!" But was already out the door.

He checked his watch as he sped down the Mystery Shack's path. Damnit, he was late in starting his patrol! Deciding he could afford to spend a bit of his magic resource, he waved his wand and muttered an incantation.

_Poof._

Dipper halted, dizzy. Whoo, he really needed to work on that spell. But hey! He looked around. At least he was at the edge of the town next to…he squinted in the dark and peered at a sign. Greasy's Diner, alright.

Now oriented, he checked inside the dark building but didn't see any movement. Alright. No supernatural creatures there, so… He strolled down the street to check the next building and alley.

~oOo~

A yellow vest wearing teen studied his map as he walked. "Manly Dan _said _the witch often starts her patrol near Greasy's Diner. _Logically_, we should start there."

The blue suited teenager beside him frowned. "Do you honestly think she'd _still _be there? _Obviously _she would have moved on to a different place by now!"

The first young man scowled. "Are you the one with the map, _Gideon_, or am I?"

Gideon narrowed his eyes. "Well _Bill_," he bit out. "I'll have you know that map is upside down!"

Bill paused, checking to find that the map was not, in fact, upside down.

His scowl deepened. "Very funny. Ha. Ha." He returned his focus to the map. "So if we're here then Greasy's Diner would be…"

While Bill muttered to himself, Gideon rolled his eyes but nonetheless smiled. He had successfully fooled the yellow haired smart aleck. Ha! In his face!

_Crack._

Gideon tensed. "Did you hear that?"

"What?" Bill looked up from the glossy parchment.

"It sounded like, I don't know…bones cracking?"

"Ooo," Bill cooed, pleased. "How exciting!"

"_Bill."_ Gideon hissed. "Now is _not _the time for your sadistic tendencies! This could be our chance if it's one of the creatures the witch hunts!"

"I thought the witch just protected the town, not went out and tracked down the paranormal."

Gideon huffed. "_Does it matter? _This is our _chance to see the witch!"_

Bill finally grinned, having succeeded in riling his companion. "Good. It's about time something exciting happened."

The platinum haired blond rolled his eyes. "I swear you'll be the death of me."

Bill's grin slowly stretched wider. "Really? When do you think I can call some funeral directors? I hear there's a couple in this town that would be _more _than happy to help me put you six feet under."

"Oh hardy har har. Now would you just shush? I can't hear if the–"

_Creak crack. Snap. Crackle._

"Um," Gideon began with a frown. "That doesn't sound good."

Bill's smile dropped. "Yeah and…do you smell smoke?"

They turned around but didn't see anything. Odd.

"Is there a fire or barbecue nearby?" Gideon inhaled. "Because I definitely smell smoke. But I don't see any flames."

_Crackle. Crackle. Sizzle._

"_Get out of the way!"_

A force of bright blue slammed into the blonds, hurtling them off their feet and tossing them against the brick wall of a building. And not a second too soon because a stream of fire seared the ground where they stood moments earlier. The two blonds stared.

"Holy sh–"

"_Get down!"_

Without thinking, the two complied just as another blast of fire blazed over their heads. The heat burned their backs but better a blister than turning into roast. They looked up just in time to see a blur of black rush in front of them. Soon the black figure raised their arms and a wall of blue silhouetted the stranger.

Bill and Gideon stared. Was this the witch?

~oOo~

Those _idiots._

What the hell did they _think_ they were doing wandering around on the outskirts of the town near the woods? Didn't they know this was the shady part of town? The part where supernatural beasts tended to gather when they tried to leave the woods?

Those _idiots_.

He had to save their sorry behinds thanks to their carelessness!

Seething internally, because they could've _died _if he hadn't shown up, Dipper muttered an incantation and _shoved. _The blue forcefield flung from his hands and wrapped around the beast. The monster snarled an struggled in the bindings but couldn't break free. Dipper peered closer.

"Looks like a Bone Dragon." He muttered. "Huh, I've only heard of those in rumors. Didn't think they actually existed."

Wait. Remembering he was angry, he pivoted to face the blonds on the ground.

_"You two!" _He yelled. "You are _idiots! _Numbskulls! Nimrods! Dummies! Dummies dummies dummies! What do you think you were _doing _coming to this part of town? Don't you know how _haunted_ this section of town is?"

The yellow vest wearing stranger recovered first. "_Wow_. That was _hot_."

Dipper blushed. "Um–"

"The flames or the witch?" It seems the blue suited teen had recovered as well.

Dipper intercepted the conversation, forgetting to pitch his voice into a falsetto. "Does it _matter? _You two could've been _killed!"_

"For a girl, you have a very boyish voice." The vest man commented and in the dim lighting of the streetlight Dipper could just barely see a leer.

His flush deepened. Oops. Well it was too late to try to pretend his voice was higher than it actually was. Ugh. Dipper shook his head. He needed to focus before his magic reserves depleted.

"Look," Dipper began, inhaling deeply to center himself. "I'm going to go take care of this guy and you two are going to go to your homes. Okay?"

Without waiting for a response, he turned to approached the writhing dragon.

"Wait!" The platinum blond called. "We have so many questions!"

"Too bad!" He broke into a sprint to the bound creature.

Any question asked could risk his identity. He was a terrible actor and they might be able to glean information from his reaction alone!

"But we want to know who you are!"

He scoffed internally. If he wanted people to know _that _then he wouldn't go through the trouble of a disguise! Just as he was halfway to the dragon, his left sneaker slipped off his foot.

"We'll find you anyway that we can!" The vest man promised.

Oh hell no, this was like something straight out of Cinderella! Damnit! He should've tied his shoes like Mabel always told him! He contemplated rushing back to grab his shoe because that was a potential clue to his identity before deciding that no, the blonds probably weren't _complete_ dimwits and wouldn't try the feet of all the girls in the town. Or boys for that matter. Whoo. Then he was in the clear.

Except for the fact he was wearing _boy's _sneakers.

Eh. He shrugged and skidded to a halt next to the bound dragon, placing a hand on the dragon's bindings. It was just a shoe. It wasn't like they could find him based on _that_, right? He and the dragon vanished with a _poof._

Right?

~oOo~

**Notes: **

**Credit: The _ideas_ for this story came from a _combination_ of the guest reviewers: AWESOME, Dip, me, and lol.**

**Thanks for the request!**

** Shoutout to AWESOME! (That's right, I read your review, I read _all _the reviews. That sounds creepy, whoops) Also, AWESOME, I guess I can see how Dipper seems weaker in Garden Shop 2 in comparison to 1. I'll try to make him seem more like Garden 1 in Garden 3. (Which there _will_ be a Garden 3, as well as a Still as a Statue part 4, and a Haunted part 2 but that'll be whenever I get around to writing those continuations)**

**Since I actually already have a vague plan for the Garden Shop, guys, Dipper won't be a witch in that one. Instead, since you guys wanted Dipper as a witch, (and since all you lovely reviewers were so polite) you guys get this oneshot where Dipper uses magic, loses a shoe, _and _is disguised as a witch!**

**As for Guest's idea of Dipper being forced to marry Bill... Okay! It'll take me awhile to think of something but I will write something at some point with that as the plot! Feel free to toss out more ideas on new oneshots or ideas for continuations to previous oneshots and i'll see what I can do!**

**Thank you for reviewing!**


	15. Garden Shop Part 3

Summary: _Dipper worked at a flower shop. A simple job really, until a pair of blonds walked in._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Garden Shop Part 3<em>

Holy _hell._

Dipper swiveled his wide eyed stare from one section of jewel embedded clothes in the enormous department store to another section of ritzy clothes. His hands shook. There was just _so much_ and so many _expensive _items! Just one simple shirt alone would cost more than his _life's_ savings!

"C'mon, _breathe_ Dipper," he muttered to himself. "It's just a mall. Just a massive mall where everyone except your kidnappers are glaring at you."

His breath hitched. Oh that did _not _help. His gaze darted about the gigantic room, searching for a path to the exit. Instead of finding an escape, he caught another pair of wealthy customers sending him a death stare and he dropped his gaze to the plush flooring. Damnit. Why did they keep glaring at him? What did he do wrong?

He glanced at his clothing then at the pair of bickering blonds striding in front of him. He grimaced. His clothes were ragged in comparison to the blonds' pristine outfits. He stood out like a sore thumb. He sighed and debated slinking away to search for the exit himself.

The teen bit his lip. Could he even find the way out? They'd wound around so many aisles… He certainly _felt _lost. If only he was home or in the woods, _then _he'd be in his element.

"–a _suit!"_

"_Tuxedo!"_

Dipper jerked his focus onto the blonds butting heads. He quickened his pace. When had they gotten so far away?

"Why don't we ask what _he _prefers?"

"Fine!"

"_Fine!"_

The blonds rounded on Dipper. The teen jerked as the two stormed forwards and crowded him, one on each side of him.

"Which do you prefer?" Bill interrogated. "A boring suit or an exciting tux?"

Dipper stammered. "Um–"

"Wouldn't you rather have a flattering _suit _rather than an _ugly _tux, um–uh…"

"You don't even know his _name!" _Bill accused.

Gideon whirled on Bill. "Well do _you?"_

"He won't tell me!"

Gideon puffed his chest. "I bet he'll tell _me." _

Dipper tried to protest. "Wait–"

Like a piranha, Gideon was on him. "What's your name?"

"Uh–uh–" Dipper stuttered.

Oh he could just _feel _the glares piercing his back. So many rich people watching him… He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. He could do this. Rolling his shoulders and straightening his back, Dipper steeled his nerves. They wanted his name? Fine. They'd get his name. But not without a challenge first.

Despite his rosy cheeks, he puffed his chest and pulled out the strength from within. "Don't you know it's rude to _demand _a name without giving your own first?"

Bill spluttered. "I gave you mine!"

"After you stuffed me in your car." Dipper remarked, feeling the bitterness rise. "_And_ you didn't even give me your last name!"

"Well I'll give it to you now!" Bill extended a hand. "Formally, I am Bill–"

Gideon elbowed him aside. "I am Gideon–"

"–Cipher!" Bill hip-checked him back.

"–Gleeful!"

Dipper stopped short. Wait. Cipher and Gleeful? As in, _the _Cipher and Gleeful? The blond brains and faces of several performances and businesses? Also notoriously known for their short temper and grudges towards those they didn't like? _And _known to have any and all enemies and or rivals mysteriously disappear within a short time of appearing?

Oh _hell._

What had he done to deserve this? They could afford to buy and sell him through smooth talking other people alone if they wanted! He bit his lip, fighting the urge to flee. They had more money _and _power than him.

Yet they wanted to drag _him_ on a _date?_

His breath hitched. If he screwed this up then he was in _big _trouble.

Dipper finally relented. "Dipper Pines."

"What?" The rich men blinked.

"My name is Dipper."

The blonds exchanged stares before simultaneously bursting into laughter. Dipper's ears burned as he noticed several spectators snickering along.

"What?" He snapped, forgetting that he didn't want to upset them or risk their wraith. "It's not funny!"  
>"Dipper?" Gideon laughed, reaching obnoxiously high octaves. "As in the Big Dipper? Ha ha ha, maybe I should call you <em>little <em>Dipper since you're so short!"

Dipper gritted his teeth. For a rich guy, he sure was an as–

"_Pines?" _Bill's laughter rivaled Gideon's in intensity and pitch. "As in a _Pine Tree? _Ah ha ha!"

Oh that was _it. _Forget their power! Forget the fear of becoming lost! He wasn't going to just stand around being insulted!

"Good bye." Dipper terminated their laughter with the curt statement and a swivel of his heel.

"Wait!" They yelped. "Don't go!"

He shoved through the gathered crowd, ignoring the indignant squawks of the audience and agitated rattling of jewelry. He was _out _of here, godamnit, and they couldn't stop him!

A bare hand snagged his bicep and tugged him into a warm chest.

_Or_ maybe they could. Damnit.

No longer caring about the stares, he struggled in the grip. It was suffocating being surrounded by such rich snobs! He'd rather be exploring the woods or hunting a monster and _that's exactly what he planned to do._

"Let me go!" Dipper shook off the hand and lunged forwards.

"Dahlin', stop it." Gideon hissed. "You're making a scene."

Dipper halted, cheeks heating. Couldn't they see he wanted to _leave? _"That's _not _my name."

"Pine Tree," Bill waltzed up to the two. "Let's make a deal."

"That's _also _not my name. And I don't care. I–"

Bill blazed over Dipper's protests. "You go on _one _date with us and we'll let you go home."

Dipper paused, debating. He could handle that, couldn't he? He straightened. "Just one date?"

"Just one date."

Oh, Dipper's stomach sank. He didn't like that smile. But what could he do? The deal certainly _sounded _fair enough.

"…Fine." He relented. "But _just_ _one_ date."

"Just one." Bill's smile stretched.

Dipper's stomach only sank further.

~oOo~

"See?" Bill gestured to Dipper while turning to Gideon. "Doesn't he look _strapping _in a tuxedo?"

Gideon thinned his lips. "That's only because their blue suits are out of stock."

"Because _you _buy them all."

"Hey–"

While the two bickered, Dipper shifted and studied himself in the mirror. Geeze. This was _really _uncomfortable. Wearing such expensive formal wear didn't sit right with him. His gaze flittered from one mirror to the next, checking all the possible angles.

Well…he supposed he _did _look nice.

But his _hair! _Did they _really _have to comb it? His skull throbbed slightly in reminder. Who knew his short hair had so many tangles?

He straightened and lifted his chin, trying for a charming toothy smile. Could he even play the part? He folded his arms behind his back. Could he really fit in at an expensive restaurant? He tilted his head. Could he do it?

"Breathtaking." Bill's voice murmured into his ear. "Simply breathtaking.

Dipper yelped and jerked away. Weren't the two blonds _just _bickering loudly? How in the world did one of them manage to sneak up on him? With mirrors _all _around him even! Were they _both _next to him?

Dipper checked the mirror. Sure enough, Bill loomed over his side while Gideon had appeared on his other side. Stuck between the two, Dipper endured the scrutiny. Didn't they know it was _rude_ to stare?

"Now that we've got your outfit," Bill began, "it's time to go on the actual date."

Gideon leaned over his head and whispered something into Bill's ear that sounded suspiciously like he spoke the words "next date."

The tux wearing jerk nodded with a frown. "Sounds fair, I suppose."

Dipper's stomach churned. "What?"

"Oh nothing." Gideon chirped, _way _too happy. "It's time to take you to the restaurant!"

Just _great._

~oOo~

Dipper gawked at the menu in his hands. Why were all the dishes written in _French?_ He couldn't understand a _word _and to make things worse they didn't even offer pictures! He couldn't even begin to _guess _what these dishes meant, let alone how much they cost!

Knowing his luck, the food probably cost a good _year's _worth of paychecks.

"So hon," Gideon began, bringing him out of his thoughts, "what do you want?"

"Uh…" Dipper skimmed the menu and decided to try his luck. "How much does the plate of _escargot _cost?"

The blond's faces scrunched. Dipper flushed. What was wrong? Did he butcher the pronunciation of the dish?

"Okay, ew," Bill plucked the menu from the ignorant fool's hands. "_Escargot _is cooked land snail–an appetizer in France and quite the acquired taste. Are you sure you want this?"

Dipper's stomach dropped. Cooked _snail? Ew!_

"Um, he stuttered. "You know what? I'm not hungry. Can I just–"

Bill waved his hand. "Don't worry about the cost."

The teen, not wanting to be _further _steeped in debt to the blonds, protested. "But the tux _alone_ will cost me a fortune and _years _to pay you back!"

The young man waved a hand. "Just go on more dates with us and we'll consider it paid."

"But the deal–you said–"

"I _said _we'd let you go home and we are." Bill smiled an sly little smile. "I _didn't _say there'd be no more dates."

Oh that _weasel. _Dipper clenched his fists. He should've _known _he would be tricked! Just as he rallied an argument, the waiter arrived. Dipper snapped his jaw shut and simmered.

"Ready to order?"

"Just a moment, please," Bill folded the menu and leaned towards Gideon.

The two exchanged fast and hushed whispers, occasionally shooting glances at the fidgeting teen, until they both nodded.

"We're ready now," Bill began. "I'll have the usual."

"Very well then." The waiter nodded and switched his focus onto Gideon. "The usual for you as well, Mister Gleeful?"

"Yes," Gideon smiled and gestured to the sinking Dipper, "and this young man will have the _Soupe de Poisson."_

The waiter smiled and bustled away.

Dipper sagged further in his seat. They didn't know what he liked! What if they ordered something he couldn't stomach?

…wait a minute…

"Did you just say soup de_ poison_?"

Were they trying to _kill him? _What the hell! Why would a dish like that be at a _restaurant? _Why would someone _make _a dish like that!

Gideon eyed him flatly. "Dipper Pines. Would be go through the trouble of taking you out on a nice date just to kill you?"

Bill, on the other hand, burst into laughter. "He thought–ah ha ha! No no _no _you adorable fool! _Soupe de Poisson _is a _delicacy._"

Dipper's cheeks burned. "That's great and all but _what is it?"_

Gideon rolled his eyes and elbowed the mirthful man, nearly knocking him out of the chair. "It's a soup accompanied by crisp toast and a bowl of _rouille, _a spicy sauce. You can spread the sauce on the toast and then dip that into the soup. It's delicious, I'm sure you'll like it and if you don't then we can always order more."

Dipper stared. "Order _more_…?"

Bill finally stopped to breathe and straightened. "Yep! You can try _all _the dishes on the menu until you find something you like!"

The teen's stare turned into a wide eyed deer in the headlights. "But–"

"It's your night!" Gideon added with a grin. "We want you to have the best!"

"But you _just met me!"_

"Don't care." Bill shrugged. "Now then…"

Dipper drifted into his own worried thoughts while the two blonds continued the conversation. Just _what _had he walked into?

"Don't you think so too, Dipper?"

"Huh?" He absently responded. "Yeah, sure…"

"I mean really, the increase in monster sightings is _staggering."_

Dipper blinked.

Did Gideon just say _monsters?_

"True," Bill agreed. "I hear that there's been several gnomes seen at construction sights. I wonder why."

"Actually," Dipper finally pitched in. "It only _seems _like there's more gnomes appearing. The town's expansions is actually encroaching on the gnomes territory and since they refuse to move to a different location in the woods, the gnomes stay at the construction sites and…why are you guys smiling?"

"Oh nothing," Gideon chirped. "What else do you know about–"

Just then, the waiter bustled to the table and placed the food at with the correct person who ordered. Sufficiently distracted from the conversation, Dipper stared at the giant bowl of orange colored soup then at the equally large plates of food Bill and Gideon had because _whoa _that was _a lot _of fancy food. He bit his lip.

"Go on, try it." Bill prodded.

The teen rubbed his arm and then reached for a spoon. But, remembering Gideon's previous comments about the food, he moved his hovering hand to grasp some toast and a butter knife to spread the sauce and then dipped it into the soup. Tentatively, he nibbled the soaked toast.

Oh, w_ow. _That was some _damn good _food_. _So much better than his burnt cooking or his Grunkle's attempt at cooking or even Mabel's crazy recipes! He hummed, pleased, and repeated the process, blissfully unaware of the blonds knowing smiles.

"So Dipper, hon, what other monsters do you know about?"

Dipper brightened. Now _monsters _he could talk about! That was his _element!_

He launched into his crazy tales. "I've actually met a lot of the supernatural creatures in the woods of Gravity Falls! Like the Manotaurs or the Gremogoblin!"

"Oh?" Gideon raised his brows.

"I've actually met the leader of the gnomes himself! You know, it's weird, because I never find any monsters back at home, just during the summer here!" He rambled on. "Maybe that's because Gravity Falls is rural while I live in the city of Piedmont. I dunno."

"Really?" Bill leaned forwards, eyes gleaming. "Where do you stay while here?"

"The Mystery Shack!" He chimed and stuffed more toast into his face. "It's a pretty cool place since my Grunkle Stan gives tours to tourists, and has even has let _me _lead a few of them! I work there during the weekdays and on the weekends I work at the Flower Shop, which is why the store is only open on Saturdays and Sundays."

"Oh really?" Gideon's gaze met Bill's, sparking. "And where is the Mystery Shack? I'll have to drive you home after all, as is proper for a date to do, which is why I need to know."

"618 Gopher Road!" Dipper responded cheerily, oblivious to their forming plan.

He munched on more toast, smiling. This food was incredibly _yummy._ Hmm… This night wasn't so bad after all.

But _oof_, he couldn't eat anymore. And _man, _why was he so tired? It was only… he checked his watch. Oh _wow, _no _wonder _he was sleepy! After spending hours in the mall, coupled with the time spent at the restaurant and the sheer lateness of the time itself… He would've been in bed _hours _ago! After all, he had work the next day and Stan was notorious for demanding they wake up early to set up the shop.

"Do you want desert?" Bill questioned.

Dipper groaned quietly. _More _food? "No thank you."

"Alright, then we'll just get to-go boxes."

The tux wearing blond flagged down their waiter and requested the boxes and the check. Soon enough, they paid for the food and stood.

Gideon stepped closer to Dipper's side, looping an arm around his waist while Bill mimicked him on his other side. Dipper, too groggy to properly protest, especially after such a extravagant meal, just let them guide him out of the restaurant and through the parking lot. They finally let him go upon stopping next to Gideon's Maserati.

The blue suited blond opened the passenger door and invited Dipper inside. Absently, Dipper sat down and admired the interior design of the fancy car.

Gideon entered the car. "618 Gopher Road, correct?"

Dipper nodded. "Yep," he yawned.

The young man revved the engine and turned on the radio, playing pop music on a low volume. "Did you have a good time?"

"It was a rough ride at first, but yeah," the teen admired, "it wasn't _entirely_ unpleasant."

"That's good." Gideon hummed and started singing softly along with the music.

"You know," Dipper blearily noted. "You have a pretty good singing voice."

Gideon positively _preened. _"Why thank you!"

Uh oh. Now the guy's head was going to inflate. Oh well. To tired to care about having accidentally inflated the blond's ego, Dipper just snuggled into the heat warmed seats. Ooo, he liked _that _feature of the car.

But alas! He had to leave the toasty seat because they had finally arrived. Dipper unbuckled and unlocked the door. Sliding out, he almost failed to notice Gideon pouting.

"I would've opened the door for you!"

Dipper chuckled. The statement wasn't really funny, but he was at the point of sleepiness where _anything _could be funny.

"Thanks for the tux, food, and ride." He rubbed his eyes. "But I really gotta–"

"Wait," Gideon curved around Dipper and the car to open the trunk. "I have one more thing to give you."

Dipper turned, puzzled. "What?"

"Here!" Cheerily, Gideon presented several bags. "Most of them aren't as formal as your tux–except for the suit–but they're still nice! Here, I'll even carry them to the door."

Dipper stared as the rich blond sauntered to the door. "But I thought it was just the tux and food!"

"Well you're going to need more clothes for when we go on more dates!"

Oh. Darnit, he _did _sorta agree to that deal of Bill's. Since he couldn't afford to pay them back with money, he'd pay them back with time, which meant more dates, which meant he needed more nicer clothes. He sighed and approached the door.

"Oh and," Gideon handed him the bags to grasp the doorknob. "Our next date is this Friday. I'll pick you up at seven on the dot."

He winked and opened the door. "Don't forget your dancing shoes, hon!"

Dipper crossed the threshold and turned to question the blond but the door had clicked shut behind him. He frowned, arms too loaded to open the door.

And then Mabel was on him like a _shark._

His sister zoomed out of the living room to rush to his side. She stopped short in the doorway, however, the moment she spotted his tux wearing figure and the bags in his hand.

"Bro-bro…" she eyed him with wide eyes. "Did you rob a mob boss on the way home?" She bounced in place. "Because if you did then _that's so cool_!"

He rolled his eyes. "Actually…" He stammered out the explanation of his date, from being kidnapped at the flower shop to walking into a fantasy.

His sibling squealed. "That's _so_ romantic! I wanna meet your new boyfriends!"

"What, _Mabel! _It was _hardly_ a _date! _And they're _not_ my–"

"But they _like_ you~"

"Mabel I barely know them!"

"When are you going to see them again?"

"This Friday. But that's not the point!"

"You _like them~"_

"Mabel _this isn't funny!"_

~oOo~

**Note:  
>This update took so long because I wrote a lot, as requested. Happy holidays!<br>**

**Good point, guest reviewers: AWESOME, me, and lol, about giving credit for the witch idea. I've updated the notes on that oneshot so the credit is given. The note is at the end of the oneshot since that's where I always put my notes.**

**Some credit goes to wikipedia for helping me out with French food!**

**Guest reviewer okokok: No worries, I got your review!**

**Thanks for reviewing!**


	16. Unfortunate Exploration

Summary: _Exploring a haunted mansion would've been fun if the ghosts living there weren't trying to kill him._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Unfortunate Exploration<em>

He'd heard the dangers of the haunted mansion. He'd seen the decrepit exterior and the ruined yard, just like a scene in a horror film.

Really, he should have _known._

Dipper jiggled the knob but the door to the exit wouldn't budge. He thinned his lips and rubbed his arm. Damnit. He really should've thought this through. He sighed and pivoted.

If he couldn't leave from the jammed front, then he'd find another way out.

His gaze swept across the hall, from the ragged odd stained red rug winding up a staircase to the portraits on the walls. Shivers crept up his spine as he eyed the cracked wood of the floor and the spiderwebs on the wall. This was a bad idea.

Still, his curiosity had brought him here, he might as well explore.

Absently, he placed a hand on the railing of the steps, only to recoil upon feeling the thick layer of dust. Oh ew, _gross. _He grimaced and wiped his palm on his paints. Moving on, his ventured up the stairs and stopped at the top to stare. A painting of two frowning blonds stared back in a gigantic portrait.

Dipper shivered. It was almost as if the blonds eyes were piercing his own gaze.

He blinked.

Slowly, the painted frowns stretched into too wide smirks as the figures blinked in sync.

And he _screamed._

Dipper scrambled backwards as transparent figures of the blonds seemed to peel from the painting itself to the hover just slightly above the floor, yet still tower above the nineteen year old. He shook.

"Well well well, brother of mine!" The top hatted blond tipped his hat to the blond with an apparently gelled poof of hair. "It seems we have a visitor!"

"Why yes we do!" The other returned. "Let's see if he'll _stay awhile."_

Stomach churning because those grins looked downright _murderous, _Dipper trusted his instincts and lurched backwards just as the two lunged forwards. Just barely, he evaded their gasp.

"Cute _and _quick!" The yellow vested ghost crowed. "We're keeping him!"

"And he's staying _forever." _The other agreed, grasping a rusty knife from a nearby table.

"We won't let you get away like the last fool who passed through!"

Dipper's breath hitched as the knife was flung towards him. He dodged, but the blade still nicked his arm and his winced, staggering further backwards.

And then he had no more floor.

His heel tripped down on the edge of the top step and his weight pitched. He gasped as he slipped, tumbling down down and down…

Dipper swore loudly as he slowed to a stop and another knife whizzed past.

_They were trying to kill him!_

He finally rolled to a stop and rushed to his feet, all but throwing himself at the door and yanking on the knob. Damnit! Why wouldn't it _open?_

_ "Ah ah ah," _Twin psychotic laughter scolded. "You're not going _anywhere."_

_ Whizz._

Dipper gargled out a scream.

The knife had hit its target.

~oOo~

**Notes:**

**Heh heh heh. Just gonna leave that there. (This one is actually shorter than my other oneshots, so I could respond to all you lovely reviewers sooner and because I have a lot to say.)**

**Credit: Idea for this oneshot goes to the guest reviewers okokok and Guest.**

**GravityFalls MD: You mean to tell me Gideon is _nine _in the show? I always thought he was _twelve! _Huh. Well, I'm just gonna bump Gideon's age up to be 19 anway.**

**AWESOME: I wasn't angry, I just take forever to write. The advice is at the bottom of these notes.**

**Guest (Spilling beans): I have a headcannon for the Garden Shop that when Dipper is 19, the secrets of Gravity Falls aren't secrets anymore but vague knowledge. The townsfolk would know about some of the minor monsters like the gnomes, but they wouldn't know a lot.**

**ME: That'd be a fun scene. With Dipper running from Gideon and Bill. I'll see if I can work it into Garden Shop Part 4! **

**okokok: (lifts rock) I don't intend to make all of these oneshots into full-fledged stories, except for maybe one or two but that's _really _unlikely. When I start losing interest in Gravity Falls and these oneshots, I _will_ let you guys know. Otherwise, updates will be slow. I've only been able to update so frequently recently because it's the holidays. Once I'm back in school the updates will be much slower than they are now. As for the reviews… I like reviews! They encourage me to continue!**

**New Reader: Feel free to share your ideas! It'll just take me awhile to get around to writing the requests, coupled with my own ideas for these oneshots. Think of it this way: the sooner you share, the sooner I can brainstorm.**

**~(**)~**

**AWESOME: Advice**

**Sure! I'll give giving advice a whirl.**

**1) First things first: _You can do it. _**

**2) It's alright to be nervous! Slowly but surely you'll toughen your nerves.**

**3) Some reviewers will be mean, or there may be misunderstandings. Stay positive and don't stop writing! You can improve!**

**4) Acknowledge and thank at some point those who follow/favorite/review your story or stories. Especially acknowledge reviewers. Many people like to know they've been heard! **

**5) You don't have to follow the reviewer's suggestions. It's _your _story and _your _voice. Tell it the way _you_ want to. **

**6) Update at your own pace: quality is key. Don't expect to write something perfect on the first try. Remember to edit your work to make sure it makes some sense!**

**7) Fanfiction is a great way to practice and share your writing. It's also fun to hear feedback from reviewers too! But you gotta put yourself out there! **

**8) Fanfiction should be fun, but it also takes work. It'll take awhile to think of ideas and then write them. Some people plan their stories, other people don't. Some do both. **

**9) If writing fanfiction stops feeling fun or you can't think of any ideas, take a break and then come back!**

**10) Finally, _you can do it. _Step by step and slowly but surely. So long as you keep writing and sharing, you'll gain something. :)**

** Thanks for reviewing!**


	17. Turf War

Summary: After_ a fight breaks out in the streets between two gangs, Dipper tries to slip away only to be cornered by the blond mafia bosses themselves._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Turf War<em>

Downtown was known for its shady streets at night and its bustling activity during the day. From the rowdy bars to the busy shops, excitement and danger could be found.

Like, for instance, right now.

"Who you callin' a _unicorn_ you _triangle_ scum!"

Dipper dodged a drunken fist and side stepped another gang member's punch. Damn! Why were the drunken gang members attacking _him? _He wasn't even _in _either of the mafia groups!

"We are the _Eyes of Illuminati," _someone else rebuked, supposedly from the opposing gang. _"_If you're going to insult someone, _poofy performers, _do it right!"

"How _dare _you insult our hair! And we are the _Brotherhood _of Performers! How about _you _get it right!"

Dipper lunged out of the way as the two of the several alcohol reeking men clashed. _Geeze. _All he wanted was to buy a gift for his sister's birthday! _Not _be mauled as soon as he walked out the door! He tried to push his way out of the crowd but a flurry of fists from multiple men kept pushing him back.

"You outta be called the Brotherhood of _Losers!"_

The nineteen year old gasped when a kick slammed into his side and he staggered. _Ow! _That _hurt! _Already unbalanced, a stranger took advantage and hooked a fist straight into his stomach. He curled inwards, winded, and dropped to the floor. Gasping for air, he rolled on the pavement, trying to ignore the pulsing pain in his stomach and the glass shards from broken beer bottles nicking his skin. Maybe he could _roll _his way out.

"Your the _blind _eyes, because you can't see what's in front of you!"

"Well _you–"_

_ "Shut up!"_

"Get him!"

_ "We'll settle this once and for all!"_

Dipper lurched to his feet and shoved aside the roaring men. Just barely, he managed to break through the crowd and hurled himself around a corner and into the first alley he came across.

Had he known _what _exactly was down this alley, he would have run elsewhere.

Dipper leaned forwards, planting his palms on his knees, and inhaled sharply. That was too close. Bruised and battered, he straightened.

"Tell you what, hon, if _you _give up some of your turf, _I'll_ share some of my gang's narcotics."

Dipper swallowed. Oh dear. That sounded like a black market dealer.

"Uh huh, my team smuggles plenty of drugs. It's the rare animals_ I'm _interested in."

Curiosity his bane, Dipper wandered closer, ducking behind a trashcan to peer around another corner of the dirty alley. He blinked. Two sharply dressed men were scowling at one one another, one wearing a yellow vest with black sleeves and the other a blue suit.

"If I've told you once, I've told you twice. You are _not _getting my albino tiger."

"Where's the logic in _that, _you dummy?_"_

"Why you–"

Were they one of those rich white men who got their money through illegal means? Dipper shifted closer, accidentally knocking against the tin can. The clatter reverberated in the following silence and he sucked in a breath. Maybe they couldn't see him.

"Oh my, _what do we have here?"_

Dipper stiffened because suddenly the yellow vest wearing blond was looming over him, baring his teeth in an imitation of a smile. He squeaked when the man's gloved hands snagged his biceps and dragged him out from behind the trash can.

"You're such a pretty young thing!" The blond leaned close to whisper into his ear. "Too pretty to be in a place like this."

Dipper spluttered. "T–That's not–I am _not pretty. _Let go of me!_"_

"What spying little rat did you catch, Bill?"

Dipper wriggled in the grip as the man pivoted, dragging him along, and faced the speaker. "Not a rat, Gideon, but a nosy little mouse."

The poofy haired blond stopped short. "My goodness, he's got the face of an angel!"

Bill tugged him close. "He's _mine_. I found him first!"

Gideon huffed and sauntered over, stretching out a hand. "Here, hon, come with me. I'll take good care of you, unlike that _ruffian _imprisoning you."

Not wanting _any _part of this, Dipper squirmed. "_Let me go!"_

"Aw, you're _scarin' _him!" The blue suited man protested. "Give him to me!"

"_No!" _The blond looped an arm around Dipper's waist and hefted the teen into the crook of his black sleeved arm.

_ "Bill!"_

_ "Catch me if you can!"_

~oOo~

**Notes:**

**Bill probably stuffs him in a limo and takes him to his mansion.**

**Credit: Idea comes from guest reviewer New Reader.**

**GravityFallsMD: Poor Dipper indeed. He just can't catch a break.**

**AWESOME: (Hands you a tissue) No problemo. I'm cruel to _characters _not people. Your English teacher sounds like an old fart. Are you sure it's a smiley face? Looks more like a winky face to me. Ha ha ha, I'm just playing. ;)**

**okokok: NO NEED FOR A ROCK BECAUSE _YOU _ROCK. Ha ha ha, aww you're so sweet. Yeah, it does take some digging to find a story that you like. I'm glad so many of you like _my _stories! And that's the way to do it: be a silly as a fangirl and as serious as a boss. Here, I'll sit in the corner with you because mistakes happen and it's alright. Consider mistakes a learning experience!**

**ME: Sounds like you've been eating some of Mabel's Smile Dip, ah ha ha. :) Alright! I can work that into Garden Shop 4!**

**Goldstar and Guest: Bill and Gideon won't tell Dipper he's their brother, probably they'll tell him he's their boyfriend.**

**New Reader: There is quite a list, but you don't need to worry. I consider these requests more like challenges or prompts. They're great for me to exercise my writing muscles. So don't worry about pressuring me! But thank you for your consideration, it's very sweet of you. :)**

**Thanks for reviewing!**


	18. Fashion Disaster

Summary: _Needing a job in Piedmont, Dipper manages to score one as a UPS delivery boy. But his first delivery goes haywire when he's tricked into signing a contact with a pair of lovestruck fashion designers._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Fashion Disaster<em>

A pair of blonds sauntered down the hall, blazing through the crowd of bustling stagehands.

The tuxedo wearing man grasped his yellow sleeve and tugged it back to check the watch on his wrist. "The fashion show begins in two hours! I expect everyone to be ready in _one _hour!"

The blue suited blond beside him tacked on. "Lights, sound, and costumes should be _perfect _by then!"

The black clothed crowd hastened their pace in a flurry of chatter. When they're lead designers gave an order, they _followed _that order.

"Bill," the blond with a curly poof announced above the noise, "I'll check on our male models."

"Then I'll check on the females." Bill nodded. "Meet you in five, Gideon?"

"Deal."

The blonds split, one striding to a door to knock on the woman's dressing room while the other crossed the hall and entered the men's.

"Almost finished, I should hope?" Gideon scanned his gaze across the room. "Any mishaps?"

His models chorused a 'no' and Gideon smiled. "Good to hear! We still have two–"

"You mean to tell my my _most important_ model is a _no show?"_

Gideon jerked. He couldn't have heard that right. The young man rushed out of the room and halted just outside the door. There, red faced, stood his fellow fashion designer yelling at a clearly bored redheaded woman.

The make-up artist popped her gum. "That's what I said."

"I outta _fire _you for your insolence!"

"Eh, whatever."

Bill spluttered as she returned to the dressing room. Bill whirled on his heel and spotted Gideon. He opened his mouth just as a stagehand skidded to a halt in front of them.

"A package has arrived for you Mr. Cipher! The delivery guy is waiting at the backstage door."

Bill inhaled and waved his hand. "Very well, thank you." He raised a brow and Gideon fell into step beside him. "Do you have any good news, Gideon?"

"The men are just about done, hon." Gideon confirmed.

"Maybe the delivery man will have good news too." Bill remarked drily.

Gideon rolled his eyes as they curved around a corner and soon opened the backstage door. Standing there, struggling beneath the weight of a medium sized package while balancing the clipboard on top, was a ruffled young man.

The teen smiled nervously upon noticing the two. "Oh, um, hello. Is one of you Mr. Cipher or Mr. Gleeful?"

Oh this was _excellent _news.

~oOo~

Dipper smiled awkwardly as both the men nodded with cat like grins. Oh, gosh, why were they staring at him like that? Did he do something wrong?

"Oh, well, um, if one of you could just sign by the X here on this paper, then…Oh wait, you need a pen, um, hold on…"

He struggled to balance the package with one hand while the other patted his pockets. Geeze, just _what _was inside the package? Weights? As he continued to pat his pants pockets, he noticed the blonds exchanging silent stares in his peripheral vision. His face flamed in embarrassment. Wait, where was his pen?

"Oh no, oh no no no," his ears burned. "I'm sorry, I think I left my pen in the truck. Gosh, I'm so sorry, I'm just new at this so I don't… Here, give me a moment and I'll go get a–"

The tuxedoed man narrowed his eyes and his smile widened into a tiger's grin. "No need. Gideon, won't you kindly grab a pen for our good fellow? And don't forget the paper that he needs to sign as well."

Gideon's grin rivaled the man's. "I'd _gladly_ oblige."

The blue suited stranger curved around a corner and Dipper started to hear the faint sounds of tapping, as if someone were typing fast on a computer.

Dipper stammered. "Paper that _I _sign? But that's not–"

"Rather unusual yes," The mad agreed. "But not for deliveries to the fashion industry. You said you're new, so it's understandable that you wouldn't know of our tradition."

"Um…" Dipper hesitated. This _was_ his first delivery, after all. He didn't know _all_ the ropes yet. "Okay…"

"Yes, see," the man continued. "If this were a delivery to a house it would be just the receiver's signature. But since you are delivering to a business, and thus delivering supplies, we need your signature as proof that we received the supplies and thus do not need to accidentally contact UPS or FedEx to report that we did not receive our order when, in fact, we did."

Dipper's gaze glazed. What was the guy talking about? Nonetheless, he nodded along, as was the polite thing to do.

"Alright. Sorta makes sense, I guess."

"I'm Bill, by the way." The man's grin shifted into a smirk. "I'd shake your hand but I think you need it at the moment."

"Um, yes…"

The man hummed. "Gideon," he called. "Have you printed out the paper yet?"

Dipper tilted his head upon hearing an odd noise. Was that the whirring of a machine? What kind of thing were they printing anyway? Hopefully he wasn't being pranked…

Faintly, he heard a "yes! Be there in a bit!"

Shortly, Gideon reappeared holding a clipboard, a pen, and two pieces of paper clipped in. Just barely Dipper could see that the top paper was white while the bottom was yellow, like one of those business papers where the ink would bleed through the white paper to write on the yellow paper as well. Well, if this _was _a prank, they certainly were acting _very _professional. Logically, they wouldn't go through so much trouble for just a dumb trick, right?

The unease didn't fade.

"Here you go, hon, sign this first and then we'll sign yours. Don't worry about what the fine print says, it's just business jargon."

Deciding to trust the two despite his warning instincts, Dipper accepted the pen with one hand and tried not to fall over as the package weighed in his other arm. He scribbled his signature in the designated area, not bothering to read the words on the official looking page.

Dipper returned the pen. "Now if you'll just si–_hey!"_

Gideon hooked his arm around Dipper's waist and _beamed_. "Thanks for agreeing to be our model!"

"What?" Dipper spluttered, staggering in surprise. "But you said–"

"Shoulda read the fine print," Bill laughed. "Let me see what exactly he agreed to."

Gideon dragged Dipper across the threshold and handed Bill the clipboard and pen. Dipper struggled beneath the weight of the box and simultaneously tried to pull away from the handsy jerk. Bill closed the door and skimmed his eyes across the page.

Bill would whistle. "I _like_ this deal."

Dipper squirmed. _What deal? _"What is _going on? Lemme go!"_

"Nuh uh, hon," Gideon denied. "You signed a contract. You're working for _us_ now."

"Don't forget about the dates!" Bill added obnoxiously cheerful.

"Now to get you dressed up…"

Dipper continued to protest loudly.

This was _not_ what he signed up for.

They curved around a corner and walked down a hall, Dipper wriggling all the while, until Bill open a door and Gideon ushered the unsuspecting UPS delivery boy inside. Dipper managed to break free and dropped the box onto the counter connected to the wall length mirror. Oddly enough, Bill didn't enter the…Dipper scanned the empty room. Why did they drag him to a _dressing room?_

In his distraction, he failed to notice the poofy haired jerk's approach. Gideon swept Dipper into his arms and pinned him there.

"Cut it out and _let me go!" _Dipper tugged on the prick's grip.

Gideon just clicked his tongue. "You agreed to the–"

"No, I _didn't_."

"Would you like to see your signature on the contract?"

Bill burst in before Dipper could reply, wielding a glamorous and poofy dress, as well as several boxes of tissues. Dipper's stomach churned. What was the weirdo planning to do with _that? _Nothing good, he could tell.

Bill approached the two with an evil smile. "Lovely gown, isn't it? I designed it myself. And guess who'll look _lovely _wearing it?"

Dipper stilled. "You're not expecting _me_ to wear _that_ are you?"

"But of course!" Bill cheered. "Now come on! The show starts in an hour. We've got to get you prepped!"

"But I'm a guy!"

"If women can wear pants, then men can wear dresses! Besides, you'll look _breathtaking!"_

"Then ask some _other _guy who actually _likes _dresses because _I don't wanna wear a dress!_"

The blond jerks ignored his protests. Dipper struggled wildly as the two ganged up on him and pushed him into one of the changing stalls.

Verging on desperation, he yelled. "Show me the proof!"

Bill whipped out the white contract while Gideon snatched Dipper's biceps to keep him from ripping up the parchment. Even with Gideon holding Dipper back, Bill held the page out of reach as a precautionary measure. Dipper hurriedly read the first paragraph, steadily draining in color. His eyes dropped to the second paragraph just as Bill folded the paper and tucked the contract into a pocket inside his tux.

"Wait I haven't–"

"So you've seen that you've agreed to being our runway model. You'll learn what else your required to do after the show. Now is the time to change!"

Gideon shifted his arms to tug on Dipper's sweatshirt. All the while, Dipper struggled while Bill swiped his hat and Gideon removed his sweatshirt. The moment they grasped his shirt, however, he finally relented.

"_Fine."_ He snapped, batting at their insistent hands."I'll wear the dumb thing. Hand it here."

Bill grinned widely and gave him his prized design and together with Gideon the blonds left the stall, shutting the door behind them. Dipper blushed and scrunched his face as he studied the blue fabric. He was expected to wear _this?_

"If you take too long, we'll come in there and put it on _for _you, hon."

Dipper blanched in horror. Nope. _That _wasn't happening. Gritting his teeth, he removed his clothes and struggled to put on the dress. It took him a good five minutes to realize their was a zipper on the back of the gown.

"Are you almost done? Because–"

_"One second!"_ Dipper squeaked, his voice muffled, because he was half undressed with the dress bunched around his shoulders. How in the world did people _wear _these things?

He floundered with the zipper until he _finally _managed to pull it down and stuff his torso through the resulting open hole. He slipped his arms through the veil like short sleeves, then wrangled the poofy dress down his torso so the lower half was a messed up bunch around his thighs. he tried to straighten the darn thing only to find the dress had multiple layers and he couldn't tell if his tugging would _break _the dumb thing or not.

He exhaled heavily, agitated, and fiddled with the plastic straps hanging from the sleeves, beneath his armpits. What were _those _for? Did he slip his arms through _those _too? He twisted and turned, trying to bend his arm enough to fit his hand through the clear strap. When he _finally _managed to get his arm through and place the strap over his shoulder, he found the strap was too tight and it dug into his skin.

"This _sucks."_ He grumbled and tried to remove the strap only to realize he would have to contort his body even _more _to take it off. "Somebody help me."

Deciding not to try the same thing with the _other_ strap, Dipper tucked the bothersome piece of clothing into the sleeve. Geeze. Why were dresses so _complicated?_ How could Mabel even _like _wearing these things?

Well, forget it. He was as presentable as he was going to _get_ and if they had a problem with that then they just had to _deal with it._

Huffing, Dipper opened the stall.

"Took you long–_what?"_

"Hon, oh my–"

Bill's exclamation blazed over Gideon's. "The ruffled _tiers! _You've gone and _messed them up!"_

He sped to the teen, setting to fix what Dipper had so carelessly _ruined! _Dipper rolled his eyes. Geeze. Over-reacting, much?  
>Still, Dipper let the obsessive weirdo tug and straighten the ruffles on the lower half of the gown until they fell in waves. When he was apparently satisfied, he moved on to adjusting the rest of Dipper's mishap.<p>

Bill flattened a sleeve only to frown when he noticed the unworn plastic strap. He looped a finger through the piece and tugged. "You need to wear this."

Dipper scoffed. "Just stuff it in the sleeve and no one will notice. It's _see through._ Who's going to be looking that closely anyway?"

"Only everyone." Bill shrugged, seemingly nonchalant before pinning Dipper with a glare. "And so you're going to _wear it."_

Dipper grumbled. "It's too tight, jerkface."

The prick rolled his eyes to the ceiling. "It's _supposed_ to be, to keep the dress from slipping off. If you didn't put _this _on, them I guessing you didn't put on the bra either."

The teen crossed his arms. Why would I need to do that? No one's going to see it."

"Go put it on."

"But–"

"_Put it on."_

Dipper sighed and returned to the stall, shutting the door behind him. Hastily, he messed with the clothing until he finally put on the extra piece of clothing. Unkempt all over again, he stepped out of the stall.

"There, happy?"

"Hardly." Bill curled his lip. "You've gone and ruined my gown _again."_

"Tough." Dipper shot back.

Bill inhaled, and set to work.

Once he finished cleaning up Dipper's mess, Bill turned to an amused Gideon. "Tissues?"

"Got 'em." Gideon gave the tissue box to the jerkface.

"Thanks." Bill stuffed his hand into the box and whipped out several tissues. "Now just stand still while I…"

"Wait, what're you–_hey!"_

Bill tugged the front of his dress forwards and shoved the tissues into the bra. Dipper watched, displeased and confused, as the tux wearing weirdo filled the bra with tissues.

"Why are you–"

"Questions later." The jerk terminated the conversation.

By the time the prick was finally satisfied, he stepped back, admiring his handiwork.

"You know," Bill shifted his weight onto one leg and brought a gloved hand to his chin. "The blue color really brings out his eyes."

Dipper rubbed his arm, uncomfortable. "Why did you–"

"And the jeweled soutache accents his figure."

"Why–"

"Not to mention the veil like short sleeves bring attention to his rosy cheeks."

"Would you just _let me finish?"_ Dipper slammed a fist against the stall door.

The resulting noise startled the blonds and the teen growled. "I want _answers._"

"And you'll get them!" Gideon threw in. "_After _the show."

"Then_ at least _answer why you made me wear a bra and then _stuffed tissues into_ that _very same bra?"_

"Oh, that's easy." Bill waved a lazy hand. "You've got to look the part, and we don't do things _half-way."_

Gideon then patted a stool beside him. "Sit on down, hon, it's time to add your make-up."

Dipper grouched but complied, plopping onto the chair and facing the poofy haired weirdo. While Gideon dabbed a wedge sponge into the corresponding foundation, Bill slipped deep blue high heels onto Dipper's feet. Dipper tried not to cringe as the two finished dolling him up.

Someone knocked on the door. "The show will begin in ten minutes! Places everybody!"

Gideon added the final touches and patted Dipper's shoulder. "That's our cue!"

"Wait," Dipper floundered as Bill tugged him to his feet. "What do I do?"

The tuxedoed blond explained. "When it's your turn, you just walk down the runway."

"But–"

Gideon added. "Make sure to walk on _immediately_ after the model before you walks off. Don't dilly dally on stage. And _don't trip."_

Dipper bit his lip as they dragged him out of the room and through the backstage area. They guided him to his place in a line of both male and female models. The models behind him spared him a glance, but then returned their focus onto…whatever it was they were focusing on. Their posture, maybe? Centering themselves? Focusing? Dipper had no clue.

The blonds then abandoned him with cheery farewells. "We'll be in the front row, hon!"

Dipper rubbed his arm as they left, wishing he had his beat up old hat to fidget with and to hide his face behind. Only distantly he heard a loud speaker begin an announcement and in turn the first model stepped onto the stage.

His heart hammered and his legs shook. Steadily, his hands became clammy. He bit his lip. The line was shrinking so _fast _and the models in front of him were leaving, probably to return to the dressing room where, once they changed, they could go _home _and _oh _he wished he was home…

The model in front of him entered the stage.

His breath shortened. Oh gosh. Now was _not _the time for stage-fright and anxiety! He inhaled sharply and staggered when he felt dizzy.

He straightened. "C'mon Dipper…" He murmured. "_Breathe. _You can _do this."_

He inhaled deeply and slowly, and at the peak, he exhaled. He repeated the exercise until the model exited the stage.

Looks like his turn had arrived.

He stepped onto the stage, the light blinding his eyes and he squinted, fidgeting in place as a speaker boomed.

"The trans woman!"

Hoping that was his cue, Dipper wobbly walked forwards, trying to remember that with heels the walk had to be a fast _heel toe, heel toe._

He halted at the bottom of the runway and paused, the words finally registering. He blushed. He was not a trans woman! He was just…cross-dressing for the moment…

"The rich blue gown," the speaker announced and Dipper shakily posed, mimicking the other models he'd seen do so before. "Complete with thin but warm sleeves, perfect for chilly weather."

"_Dipper!"_

Dipper froze. No. No it _couldn't be._

That _couldn't _be his sister's voice!

He squinted against the spotlight, forgetting to shift poses as he scanned the crowd. His gaze halted on a bouncing figure and he paled.

His sister had seen him in a _dress._

Mortified, he swiveled on his heel and took a step. His ankles jerked inwards.

"The ruffled tiers accent the figure!"

"_Dipper! It's me, Mabel!"_

Just as he had barely caught his balance, the confirmation had him took another step and his foot caught on the edge of the dress. He pitched forwards.

"And to top it off, the jeweled soutache emphasizes the location of the seams with refined skill that adds to the overall–"

Dipper fell flat on his face.

The crowd erupted into laughter and his cheeks burned in embarrassment. He scrambled to his feet, nearly falling again, and rushed off the stage without a trace of dignity.

"…now on to the next contestant!"

Finally off stage, Dipper kicked off the shoes and _sprinted. _He was getting _out_ of there! He raced back to the dressing room and shoved open the door.

He'd skidded to a halt, however, upon seeing several male models.

"Uh-um…" he stammered, abruptly remembering that he was wearing a _dress_.

Instead of the anticipated laughter, the men just smiled sympathetically and carried on with removing make-up or entering stalls to change.

One man offered. "Bill and Gideon rope you into this?"

"…yes…"

The model jerked a thumb behind him. "I think that's your clothes over there on the stool."

Dipper stammered out a thank you and zoomed to his clothes and into a stall. Hurriedly, he ripped off the clothing and changed into his normal attire. He rushed out of the stall. Forget the contract! Forget the box! He was _out_ of there!

Only, as soon as he opened the door, he crashed into a pair of blonds.

_Damnit._

~oOo~

**Note:**

**Credit: Idea comes from the commenter kcm on AO3, and the internet for helping me out with dresses.**

**All reviewers: I'm glad you guys like my stories and want them to be longer! I'll see what I can do, but I make no promises on writing longer chapters! Writing a lot takes _a lot _of time, and I do other things besides writing.**

**Guest: Ah ha ha, why not ship _both _Dipeon and Billdip? Two for the price of one! **

**AWESOME and huh: _Demanding _I write more or post sooner is _not cool_ and irritates me. _Requesting_ if I could _please_ update soon or _please_ write longer chapter is polite and encourages me.**

**Thanks for reviewing and happy new year!**


	19. Fashion Disaster Part 2

Summary: _Needing__ a job in Piedmont, Dipper manages to score one as a UPS delivery boy. But his first delivery goes haywire when he's tricked into signing a contact with a pair of lovestruck fashion designers._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Fashion Disaster Part 2<em>

Dipper recoiled, face flaming. "Leave me alone!"

Bill reached out a hand but Dipper tugged the bill of his hat down and pushed past. He was _not _sticking around, no matter _what _a dumb contract he was _tricked _into signing said! Bare and gloved hands wrapped around his biceps and his embarrassment flared into anger. They had _no right _to be near him after what they put him through! He shook them off, acerbic retort ready but Gideon cut him off.

"You were _great,_ hon! Just next time–"

"_No!" _He snapped, fighting against their grip. "There will _be_ _no next time _because_ y_ou _tricked _me and they _laughed at me! _Now get your hands_ off _of me!"

"You signed–"

"I don't care!" Dipper yelled and rushed to the door, forgetting there were other people present. "You dirty liars _tricked _me!"

"Hey," Bill warned. "You're causing an unpleasant scene."

"Well _good!" _Dipper snapped, grasping the knob. "Maybe it's time other people realized that you're a scheming–"

"Watch your–"

He flung open the door, the blonds hot on his heels. "–bunch of–"

"Why, you–"

"_Dippingsauce!"_

Weight slammed against his torso and fuzzy fabric latched around his shoulders. Dipper gasped and staggered beneath the pounds of a glitter coated body. Remembering his sibling had seen him in a dress, his ears burned.

"Oh my gosh bro-bro, you were _great! _Except when you tripped and all, but that's okay, mistakes happen. Why didn't you _tell _me you were interested in fashion too? You coulda set me up a gig!"

Despite his embarrassment, Dipper laughed into her sweater. "Good to see you too. Now can you get offa me?"

His sister released his torso and bounced around him, her grin infectious. "_Soooo,_ how'd you manage to get on the runway?"

His cheeks burned and he fiddled with his hat, unconsciously glancing at the culprits. "Um–"

She followed his gaze then _squealed. _Brightening like a blinding spotlight, she zeroed in on the pair of famous fashion designers and took off. Dipper reentered the room halfheartedly. He couldn't leave his sister alone with these two weirdos.

"Hellohellohellohello!" She greeted, thrusting out a hand. "I'm Mabel Pines, Dipper's sister and your number one fan! Would either of you like to go on a date with me?"

Dipper scowled. "_Mabel_, they're just a bunch of jerks_._ Don't date them."

Mabel blazed over her brother's negativity with practiced optimism. "Oh they can't be _that _bad! They're my idols after all!"

Bill grinned and accepted the handshake. "Is that so? Pleased to meet you Ms. Mabel, I am William Cipher but you may call me Bill."

Mabel cheered and wildly shook the blond's hand. "This is so _awe—"_

_ "Found you!"_

Dipper squawked as a bunch of guards stormed into the room and in the process squished him into a corner. He wriggled when he heard his sibling laugh.

"I found my brother, guys!"

"C'mon, kid," one of the guards stomped forwards. "Only authorized persons are allowed backstage."

Through the gaps between some of the bodies, Dipper could see his sibling duck behind an amused Bill. Dipper rolled his eyes and pushed his way out of the corner.

"Sorry sirs," he began as he broke through the crowd, "but we'll be going–"

"Bowling!" His sister cut in. "The four of us should go bowling and get to know each other better and talk about fashion!"

Dipper groaned. "_Mabel."_

"C'mon bro-bro!" She bounced in place. "It'll be fun!"

Dipper just scrunched his face. Go bowling with the two weirdos? "Um, no."

"Aw, c'mon!" She prodded.

He crossed his arms. "No."

The guards, models, and blonds in the room watched the two siblings bicker back and forth like a tennis match until finally Dipper threw his hands into the air.

"_Fine." _He relented. "I'll go bowling. Tomorrow."

"Nuh-uh," his sibling caught onto his ploy. "Not falling for it, broseph! I don't have their number yet, so we'll have to do it _today."_

The teen huffed. "Well I doubt they'd agree to it _anyway."_

"Actually," Gideon cut in with a smile. "We'd love to go bowling."

Oh no no no _no._ Dipper rushed forwards and grabbed his sibling's arm. "Nope! Not happening! _Bye!"_

Mabel dug her feet into the floor. "_Dipping dot!"_ She whined. "They said yes!"

"And I said _no!"_

"Then I'll go with them by myself!

"No!" Dipper whirled. "I don't trust them!"

"Well I _do!"_

"Because you're totally _crushing_ on them! Remember Norman? I didn't trust him either and he turned out to be _gnomes! Gnomes,_ Mabel!"

"But they're my _idols,_ Dipper!" She protested. "They _inspire _me! I could ask them _so many questions_"

Dipper halted and bit his lip. He knew how much fashion designing meant to his sibling. He sighed and released her arm.

"_Fine."_ He pivoted to glare at the blonds. "But don't you two _dare _trick her into doing anything she doesn't want to do."

"You have our word, hon," Gideon allowed then added with a murmur to Bill. "She's not the one we want, anyway."

Bill chuckled then announced. "Then shall we take the limo? It'll fit all of us."

The twin's focus zeroed on the blond. "_Limo?" _They shouted in sync.

"But of course!" Gideon exclaimed. "We only travel in _style."_

The siblings exchanged stares, one thrilled and the other wary.

Dipper lifted his hands with a sigh. "Let's get this over with."

~oOo~

"_Strike!"_

"Yeah, Mabel! Show 'em who's boss!" Dipper threw his fist into the air, cheering, then whirled to point at the blonds. "In your _faces!"_

He laughed and rushed to his sister, a hand in the air while the blonds continued to stare, dumbstruck. She met his high five with one of her own and burst into laughter.

"You were great!" Dipper couldn't help but grin wider. "You shoulda seen their _faces _when you nailed that final strike in a row!"

She puffed her chest and pretended to brush invisible specks off her shoulders. "That's a no problem-o for the Mabel-o!"

"Oh now you're getting cocky!" Dipper looped an arm around his sister's waist. "C'mere!" He laughed and gave her a noogie.

"My _hair!" _She protested.

Really though, Dipper let her go and hopped out of reach when she tried to return the favor. Just how did Mabel manage to score _only _strikes throughout the _entire_ game? Just as she gave chase, one of the blonds crashed their party.

"I want a rematch!" Gideon called, wielding a bowling ball.

Dipper grinned. "Ready to lose again so soon?"

Bill huffed. "You two just got lucky!"

Mabel cracked her knuckles and sent a blinding grin at her brother. "Ready to whoop their butts again, bro-bro?"

Dipper placed his hands on his hips with a bright grin of his own. "They don't stand a chance."

"We'll see about that." Bill frowned. "I'll go ask the cashier for another round."

Dipper patted his pockets, searching for his wallet. "We'll pay ha—"

"Ah ah ah!" Gideon reprimanded. "You two aren't paying this time either."

"But–"

"Consider it an apology of sorts." Bill explained, though he certainly didn't _look _apologetic with that grin of his.

Mabel's smile dropped. "Apology? What did you two do to my brother?"

Gideon waved his hand. "Oh nothing to worry about, dear. But really though, Dipper, hon, we've got to talk about the contract."

Dipper stiffened, his own smile gone. "That's not happening."

Mabel's frown deepened. "What contract?"

The teen fidgeted with his hat, averting his gaze. "Um. It's how they tricked me into going on stage in a dress."

Mabel bared her teeth in a grin and Gideon shivered. "I didn't know you _tricked_ my brother."

Gideon raised his hands in a 'don't-shoot-me' gesture. "Well we–"

"No you don't understand." Mabel barreled through his protest, her protective instincts flaring. "Tricking my brother is _not cool. _Even if you _are _my idols, Dipper deserves an apology and I want to see this contract!"

"Mabel." Dipper blushed. "You don't need to–"

She turned on him. "Have _you _set them straight yet?"

"I've _tried!" _He burst out. "But these jerks don't _listen_ to me!"  
>Mabel softened and patted his shoulder before swiveling on her heel and pinning Gideon with a dead eyed stare. "Hand it here."<p>

Gideon sighed and pulled out a piece of paper from his breast pocket. Dipper frowned. Didn't Bill have the contract or did he give it to Gideon?"

Mabel swiped the page and promptly squinted at Dipper's signature. "It's faded." She noted. "This is a copy. I want _all _of them."

"Why?" Gideon retorted, guarded.

The usually positive face shadowed by seriousness had Gideon squirming. "Because Dipper's my brother and you're taking advantage of him."

Dipper blushed but couldn't fight down a flattered smile. "Mabel…"

When Gideon just shrugged and said, "the rest are hidden elsewhere. He's not getting out of the contract."

Mabel pinned him with a glare before shifting her focus onto the parchment in her hands. As she continued to read, her face brightened.

"Dippingsauce, your so _lucky!"_ She squealed. "You get to tour the _world _if you actually agree to this! You'll be able to visit London or New York _and _you'll get to meet all the famous fashionistas!"

The teen wandered over and rested his chin on her shoulder while he read the paper. Steadily, he scrunched his face.

"Yeah, _no." _He denied. "I'd have to wear _more _dresses _and _going on fashion shows would cut into school time! I'd miss so many classes I wouldn't have enough credits to _graduate _Mabel!"

"Working around a college isn't a problem." Bill spoke up, having finally arrived. "You'll find Gideon and I are _quite _good at negotiation."

Dipper frowned, unsure what he meant. "But–"

"Gosh, Dipper," Mabel interrupted with a dreamy sigh. "I wish I was you. I would _love _to see all the fashion designers masterpieces or tour the world and see different culture's art…"

The brunet bit his lip. Was there some way they could switch places?

His sibling lit up. "So you'll have to go _for _me and tell me all about it! Oh oh! And don't forget to take pictures and videos. _Especially _videos! I want to hear all about your travels and what the fashionistas are like up close! I want to know _everything."_

Dipper simpered. "What if you took my pla–"

"Not happening." Bill terminated the idea.

Mabel pouted then crossed her arms with a huff. "Well then I'm going to the bathroom!'

As she skipped off, Dipper gritted his teeth as an idea formed. Slowly, he turned to the blonds exchanging silent stares.

"Tell you what," Dipper bit out.

Oh he was going to _hate _himself for this, but for his sister, he'd make the sacrifice.

He inhaled. "I'll _officially_ agree to the deal if you offer my sister an internship as a model. She wants to be a fashion designer, but I doubt you two big shots will let her design anything so the next best thing is to let her tag along on the tours. Sound like a deal?"

"Sounds fair." Bill agreed. "Shake on it?"

Dipper extended his hand and accepted the handshake.

Oh he was going to _hate this._

Still, he tried for confidence. "When Mabel gets back, we're going to kick your–"

"I'm back!" Mabel cheered. "Time to show these guys who's the _real _bowling champ!"

Dipper laughed, his unease fading in light of his sibling's infectious positivity. "Apparently it'll take them losing _twice _to get it through their thick skulls."

"Hey!" The blonds protested.

"Why don't we see if you can keep up your strike record," Gideon challenged. "Because I bet you can't."

Mabel laughed. "How much?"

"Careful," Dipper warned with a wry grin. "She's a betting _shark."_

And so the rematch began.

~oOo~

**Note:**

**All reviewers: Just be polite and we'll be fine. Also, school starts for me soon so updates will be slower. At this point I'm thinking it'll probably be one chapter per week. Also, demanding updates will not change my update speed.**

**AWESOME: I may update sooner than most, but that can change if writing starts to feel like a chore because reviewers demand rather than request. Regardless, I'll keep posting for those who _are _polite since it would be unfair to them to stop without warning, but the updates will be slower. ****Just remember to be polite and we'll be fine.**

**okokok: I wasn't mad at you, just irritated with the reviewers who _demanded_ I hurry up or post longer chapters. Saying "please update soon" is different from "hurry up" or "I demand..." You have been polite, so no worries there.**

**LA DE DA: Pestering is when reviewers try to boss me around. Commenting about their opinion of the chapter, sharing ideas, or asking politely if I could write longer chapters or post sooner isn't pestering.**

**New Reader: Ah ha ha, Dipper's embarrassment is infectious. While I'm glad you like the oneshots, just remember to be polite!**

**Thanks for reviewing!**


	20. A Twisted Time

Summary: _Dipper just wanted to have an evening of monster hunting, not to accidentally travel space and time and have a pharaoh demand his hand in marriage._

Pairing: Billdip (one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>A Twisted Time<em>

"Okay so the barf fairies _should _be over…" he peered around the tree, "…there. Darnit! I've missed them _again._"

The nineteen year old sighed and kicked a rock. Well he might as well mark the spot on his map. Taking the parchment and a pen out of his pocket, he leaned against the tree just as he heard a trampling through the trees. He perked and put away the paper. While the noise sounded too loud to be a fairy, the creature could still be something he hadn't seen before! He picked his way through a mine field of roots and shrubbery to near the source of the sound.

He leaned around a tree and stared. _No way._

A sphinx batted at a frantic butterfly. A _sphinx _batted at a butterfly.

He whipped back behind the tree, thrilled. Never mind _why _the Egyptian creature was in the middle of a forest far from Egypt, he just _had _to figure out a way to approach the creature!

Dipper leaned against the bark, thinking through plan after plan. He could catch the animal…but he didn't bring a strong enough net. He could…no, no…well maybe he could…

"Got it." He murmured and pulled out a small pad of paper from his pocket. "I'll just watch and–"

The sphinx's ear twitched and the feline whirled, spotting Dipper.

And then the sphinx shot away.

Dipper swore and began the chase. The cat must have heard him talking to himself! Dummy, dummy, _dummy!_

"C'mon,_ think._" Dipper berated himself as he dodged the undergrowth in the trees. "What do you know about Egyptian culture?"

His eyes brightened. That's _right. _According to a few ancient and translated tomes, sphinxes could understand Egyptian. But could they understand the, horridly mispronounced, modern version of the language?

Deciding to try anyway, Dipper shouted in garbled Egyptian. _"I am not your enemy!"_

The sphinx skidded to a halt in an open clearing to stare at the clearly non-Egyptian human. Dipper swallowed harshly. Oh _damnit _it was going to attack him! He slammed on the breaks

Instead he crashed into the sphinx's flank, instinctively grasping the animal's fur to balance himself.

The feline yowled and leapt, trying to shake him off. Dipper, not wanting to be thrown off at such a high speed, clung for dear life and internally hoping that he wasn't about to die.

The teen's stomach churned and his head whirled. The colors blurred around him and he could just barely make out in glimpses what he thought to be was the construction of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, and then the building of the Statue of Liberty, and there was the Eiffel Tower and _whoa _was that the first pyramid in Egypt? The whirlwind seemed to slow and then the weather became scorching hot.

Just barely, he hung on as the sphinx's direction stopped then turned sharply _down_ and then they were weightless. A shock raced through his arms as the sphinx landed roughly. Nerves numb from the force, Dipper finally let go. Panting, because _hell it was so hot,_ and watched the sphinx sprint away, sand flying behind it.

Dipper blinked. _Sand?_ What was a field of _sand _doing in a _forest? _He sat up, swaying slightly. Ugh, would the world _stop spinning?_

And then he heard a booming, high pitched voice.

He whipped his dizzy focus onto the speaker and paled because _whoa _he was_ definitely _not in the forest anymore. There, in front of a gigantic crowd of people with rich colored skin, stood a grinning bronze man with what couldn't be anything other than the clothes of a pharaoh. From the headgear, and long chin piece to the jeweled arms and white robe, the young man just _bled_ authority.

The bronze skinned man turned to his people and raised his arms, announcing something in a foreign language.

Dipper scrambled to his feet, his heart hammering, and his balance titled. He teetered in place, wide-eyed and scared because he was _still _dizzy and the pharaoh probably had plans to kill him or something and he _really _needed to find the sphinx because _this isn't his home _and–he paused. Maybe not even be his own _time._

The loud voice snagged his attention once more and he ripped his gaze from the sun warmed sand to the widely gesturing speaker. He flinched when his eyes met the stranger's piercing stare. The teen rubbed his arm, uncomfortable under the scrutiny of not only the young leader, but the pharaoh's followers as well.

He fidgeted as the man gestured at Dipper, the cloudy sky, and then back to Dipper. The crowd cheered and Dipper edged away, bumping into a scorching hot surface and he recoiled, unconsciously turning. He stared. _Whoa._ Pyramids were _huge. _Curiosity peaking, he swiveled only to see the lone pyramid, a giant palace not too far away, and huts scattered about the sandy land. Oddly enough, there were no other pyramids in sight.

Remembering his situation, he shook his head and returned his focus onto the pharaoh. He needed to go _home. _Maybe he could find the sphinx and escape…

Unfortunately for him, the pharaoh himself strode forwards, shadowed by a pair of bulky men. Dipper staggered in retreat, his feet sinking in the sand, but the Egyptian leader just snapped his fingers and the pair of muscled men grabbed Dipper's biceps.

Dipper struggled. _Oh hell, _they really were gonna kill him or something! The teen looked wildly from one man to the other until he finally settled on staring at the eerie smile on the pharaoh's face.

"L–Let me go…" He stammered.

The pharaoh paused to stare with wide-eyes. Then his smile stretched into a grin. The leader placed a hand on his robed chest and declared a word in smooth gibberish.

The teen hesitated and blankly watched the man place a hand on Dipper's chest and pitched his voice, as if asking a question.

Dipper frowned, thinking he understood. "Uh… I'm Dipper."

The man furrowed his brow, mouthing the words, before trying to pronounce the strange name. "Uh….I….mmm…dip…per…."

Dipper blinked. "Oh, no no no, Dipper."

The stranger frowned. "Oh, no no no no, dipper?"

Dipper thinned his lips. "Dipper."

"Dipper?"

The teen nodded. "Dipper."

The pharaoh patted Dipper's chest. "Dipper."

The man then attempted to reintroduce himself by placing a hand on his chest again and repeating the same ancient language.

Dipper frowned. Oddly enough, the stranger kinda felt like a Bill to him. Could he get away with calling him that instead of the complex, tongue twister that the guy was repeating? Oh…but then that would be inconsiderate to ask that of someone, wouldn't it? What was that called? Culture erasure?

Dipper bit his lip. Maybe while he learned to pronounce the man's name properly, he could give the stranger a nickname?

"Um…" the teen fidgeted. "Can I just call you Bill?"

Bill furrowed his brow and asked a question.

Dipper struggled to place a hand on his chest since the bulky men still held his arms and said. "Dipper." Then he pointed to the pharaoh. "Bill."

The pharaoh stared for a beat then started to smile.

Bill nodded and tapped his chest. "Bill."

The man turned to his bulky guards and spoke. Dipper shifted in place, feeling like he was missing something important. Bill then turned to his followers and made grand gestures. The crowd cheered.

The guards dragged Dipper forwards, following Bill as he led the way through the parting crowd. One by one, the Egyptians dropped to their knees as the Dipper passed and the teen fidgeted.

He wondered to himself. _Why are they bowing after _I _pass and not the pharaoh?_

The guards dragged him out of the crowd and towards the giant building towering near the pyramid. Dipper tried to even his breathing as they moved, sweating in the searing humidity. _Geeze_, it was _hot _and he could just _feel _his dizziness worsen. Ughhh, he needed water or else he would pass out soon. He grimaced as the sun beat against his bare arms. And some sunscreen would be nice too.

Dipper shook his head. _Priorities. _Where were they?

He looked up and gasped.

Pictures of crumbling ancient Egyptian palaces couldn't even _compare_ to the same palaces in mint condition. They climbed up the steps to the palace and he reeled as he inhaled. _Whoa _that was some _strong _incense. His focus jumped from the sharp tang of the scent the sight of alabaster pillars inscribed with hieroglyphics. He studied the polished chiseled inscriptions with tireless fascination.

Whoo, how did sculptors manage to chisel such detailed and colorful work into stone?

They ventured further through the giant clay built rooms and wound through a few hallways until Bill flung open a pair of wooden doors with flair. A pair of young jackals rushed forwards and bounced around the pharaoh's heels. Dipper stared at the thin yet clearly healthy puppies and tried to connect the man's previous eerie smiles with the goofy grin that Dipper could just barely see him send to his canines.

Bill turned, authoritative once more, and spoke a few short words to the burly men who, in turn, finally released the tired teen. They left the room and shut the doors behind them.

The pharaoh exchanged his frown for a fond smile as he patted his dog's heads and then gestured at Dipper. The puppies scampered over and Dipper pursed his lips into an awkward smile. Oh gosh, did the pharaoh expect him to pet his dogs? Or was it a ploy to train the puppies into biting stranger's hand?

Despite his apprehensions, he held out his hand for the dogs to sniff, inwardly hoping the animals wouldn't rip off his hand. Instead of the anticipated pain, he giggled when a couple of rough and slimy textures coated his ticklish palm. Though he tried to stifle the sound, his giggles encouraged the pups to cover his hand in licks.

The man's voice reminded him that he wasn't alone and he stiffened, avoiding the pharaoh's gaze as he straightened and looked around the grand room. From the elaborately decorated vases etched with images, the fragrance of the incense, and the humid air, to the painted walls, the golden jewelry resting atop wooden tables, and the gigantic bed hidden behind a veil-like cloth, Dipper's jaw dropped.

Well sure he read quite a bit on Egyptian culture, with a focus in the mythical creatures, he never quite realized that…

Pharaohs were _wealthy._

Because _geeze. _Not only was the room _massive, _there was just so much _stuff._ How much did one guy even _need?_

While he stared, he failed to notice the man sauntering over with a smug grin. Dipper only noticed when a warm weight looped around his waist and tugged him against a silk clothed chest. The teen recoiled, protesting loudly, and tried to wiggle free but Bill just walked him to a table lined with jewels and accessories. As Dipper pushed against the man's chest, Bill swept a hand above the table and declared in ancient Egyptian.

Dipper stopped struggling to give Bill a flat look. Didn't the guy realize he didn't know ancient Egyptian? While he could pick up bits and pieces of somewhat familiar words, pronunciation had changed over the centuries and he was left lost with a language barrier in a foreign land.

Bill just rolled his eyes and released him to pluck a large golden triangle plated necklace with an triangular ruby embedded in the center off the table. He swiped Dipper's battered old hat and and placed the accessory over the protesting teen's head. The pharaoh nodded with approval but Dipper shook his head.

"I'm not wearing this, it's not mine. And give me back my hat!" He grasped the necklace to remove the gift until Bill pinned him with an alarmingly lethal stare.

"Um…" Dipper fidgeted with the golden pleats of the necklace. "Well, maybe a little while wouldn't hurt…"

Bill smiled, clearly pleased, and picked up a golden band and grabbed the teen's wrist. Dipper scrunched his face. What was this _weirdo_ up to?

Someone knocked on the door.

The man perked, put down the accessory, and approached the door. He straightened as he grasped the metal ring adorned on the wood and tugged the metal toward him to open the door. A servant stood in the doorway and bowed her head upon seeing the pharaoh. She then presented a a piece of folded white cloth.

Bill accepted the fabric without a word and shut the door, turning to the puzzled teen. The Egyptian unfolded the clothing to reveal a white fabric rimmed with red. Understanding dawned and he glared at the skirt like fabric. Even though Dipper was _sure _the kilt like clothing was technically called a shendyt, he absolutely _refused _to wear the clothing. His legs would be bare to the sun and would burn faster than…well, something that burned really fast! Either way, he'd have tomato colored legs!

He shook his head, resolute in his decision. When Bill prowled forwards, Dipper puffed his chest, narrowed his eyes, and furrowed his brows. He could take wearing the necklace, he could even take the jerk taking his hat, but the _shendyt? _Nuh-uh. He had to draw the line _somewhere._

Bill returned the glare. Rising to the challenge, slowly removed the necklace and crossed his arms, all the while glaring unblinkingly into the man's piercing stare. He shook his head.

The jerk huffed and reopened the door to speak curtly with the guards and handed the clothing to one of them. Just as the one given the cloth moved away, Bill closed the door.

Dipper maintained the glare as the man approached again and spoke. Warily, he stood his ground but the man just ignored him as he hovered a hand above the table. Apparently coming to a conclusion, Bill snagged a golden band off the table, and then snatched the startled teen's wrist. Though Dipper pulled away, Bill managed to slide the band up the teen's arm to stay near his shoulder.

Dipper's turn to huff had arrived. Just _why_ in the world the _pharaoh_ would be accessorizing him? Honestly, the mere thought was ridiculous.

Someone knocked once more. Bill once again strode to the door.

He spoke to someone outside, and then stepped aside to allow a stranger holding white clothing and a pair of sandals to walk in.

"Dipper," Bill addressed the teen, then turned to the man at his side and uttered a few words.

The man stepped forwards, placing a hand on his chest and announced with clear diction. "Imhotep."

Understanding, Dipper mimicked the man with a nod. "Dipper."

The man with a rich brown complexion wearing only a white kilt and sandals unfolded the clothes. Apparently the clothing was a robe similar to Bill's but slightly less elaborate. Did the guy _really _expect him to wear a _robe? _Dipper shifted to frown at Bill but the man just grinned and nodded, tacking on a few words with an encouraging intonation.

Dipper shook his head and backed away as Imhotep walked closer. The jerk of a pharaoh tag teamed with the guy and cornered the teen against a wall. Bill then grabbed Dipper's arm and tugged on his shirt.

The teen blushed in mortification and finally shouted. "S–Stop!"

He batted away their hands, and yanked the clothing out of Imhotep's hands. If they were going to force him to wear the stupid clothes, then he was going to be the one to dress _himself, damnit!_

He curled his fists in the clothing and _shoved_. Surprised, Bill and Imhotep stumbled back, and Dipper seized the chance. He slammed his palms into their chests and pushed them back towards the door until the dummies _finally_ understood.

Bill grinned slyly but relented and spoke to Imhotep. The young man dropped the battered trucker's hat onto the table and, together, the men left the room.

Dipper tossed the clothing onto the same surface, grasped his hat, and rushed to the lone opening in the wall by the bed. He peered outside with hope only to deflate. He was too high up to risk jumping out the window, and a good four men blocked the only other way out. He sighed and turned to the clothing.

Looks like he'd be escaping in a _robe_.

So he shed his hat and shirt to put on the robe, which hid the fact he secretly wore his pants because he was _not_ removing those, no matter _how_ hot he got. He plopped on his hat, removed the band, and went to the door. He stopped to breathe, then pulled on the metal ring.

Once the door opened, the young pharaoh stopped speaking to stare. He smiled, scanning Dipper, until his eyes zeroed on his arm. Oh geeze, what did the guy want _now?_ Bill grabbed Dipper's arm and dragged him back to the table and presented the jewels again. Oh. Dipper stubbornly shook his head until Bill snatched his hat.

"Aw, _c'mon." _Dipper whined. "Not my hat!"

The teen tried to snatch the blue piece of clothing until Bill held up up the band and necklace in the other hand.

Dipper rolled his eyes. "_Fine." _He consented reluctantly. "Just give me back my hat when you're done._"_

Bill grinned and set to work, bedazzling him with the fancy necklace, two bicep bands, and twin gold bracelets. Only then, once Dipper was accessorized, did Bill return the precious, beaten up old hat.

The pharaoh then called. "Imhotep." and tacked on a few more words then ushered Dipper out of the room.

Bill pushed the teen to Imhotep's side and addressed the guards. The bulky men straightened further, alert, and flanked Dipper and Imhotep. Bill waved farewell as Imhotep took the lead and Dipper, with the muscled men on either side of him, rubbed his arm and followed.

As they walked, Dipper constantly adjusted his hat. Just _where _were they going? The walk dragged on until they _finally _ventured outside of the palace to a…garden? Was the palace built right next to an oasis?

The men herded Dipper down a set of stairs and they took shelter beneath one of the several fig trees. Imhotep grasped a pair of sticks laying near the tree's roots and then sat on a large flat rock next to the plant. He patted the rock's surface. The guards continued to stand and Dipper stared.

"Dipper," he called, then spoke a few more words.

Understanding, Dipper sat beside the young Egyptian and Imhotep handed him a stick. The man then dragged the stick through the sand until symbols and soon hieroglyphs formed.

Imhotep tapped the ground with his stick and placed his free hand on his bare chest."Imhotep."

Dipper paused a moment to absorb the situation. Why was the guy writing in the sand but saying his nam– Realization clicked.

The teen tried to write neatly for once and etched his name with the stick. Afterwards, he placed a hand on his chest and stated. "Dipper."

Imhotep nodded, smiling. "Dipper."

He tacked on a few more words then rewrote his name and nudged the teen's shoulder. Did the guy want him to rewrite his name or write what the guy wrote? Deciding to test his second theory, Dipper carefully mimicked the man's hieroglyphs.

"Imhotep." He announced once finished.

Imhotep grinned and Dipper couldn't help but smile sheepishly. So this was a language lesson, then.

They continued on with Imhotep drawing an image or pointing to the image he spoke of, announced the name and then wrote the hieroglyphs for that name and then would have Dipper rewrite the hieroglyphs. Slowly, as Dipper started to recognize some of the hieroglyphs from his own studies, they quickened their lesson until Imhotep began to explain Dipper's situation.

"Okay," he muttered to himself because Imhotep and the guards lurking nearby couldn't understand him anyway. "They think I'm a _god_ because of my 'cloud' colored skin and because I appeared out of nowhere on a sphinx? Huh."

Their lesson stretched on and the sun began its descent. A servant appeared and handed Dipper and Imhotep a goblet each filled with water. The teen thanked the girl, who bowed deeply and he blushed. Really, was bowing necessary? Imhotep spoke a few words and the girl hurried away.

Hoping the man didn't threaten or anything bad other than telling her to leave, Dipper lifted the golden metal to his lips and tipped his head back. Ah, water never tasted so good.

"Dipper."

Dipper paused to pay attention and murmured to himself. "Oh–_kay_ so the first pyramids were built because the pharaoh, Bill apparently, had an obsession with _triangles?_ Geeze, eccentric, much?"

He drank some more, watching the man write a few more words. Wait a minute, he recognized _that_ symbol _too_ _well_. That combination of images meant _marriage_, followed by his name and Bill's…

His mind screeched to a halt and he choked on his drink.

They were marrying him to _Bill_.

~oOo~

**Notes:**

**Credit: The story idea of a forced marriage came from the reviewer Guest, I just ran with it.**

**All reviewers: Thank you for the encouragement about school! After all the positive responses, I've made this chapter extra long! (Or, well, long for me at least) Buuuuut, I probably won't update again until next Wednesday at the latest. So you'll have to wait a week or so. You can do it!**

**okokok, LA DE DA: Eh, I'll get around to writing Unfortunate Exploration Part 2 one of these days. I just have a habit of working a little bit on one idea/story and then jumping to another one, so it'll take me awhile to finish the continuation. But it'll be posted eventually.**

**Goldstar: Ha ha ha, I do know what you're talking about! I don't think I'll eat the sticker like Mabel did, though... As for what I plan to write next, who knows? I jump from one story to the next and just post the one's I finish first.**

**New Reader: Oh no no, you've been polite. I was just reminding you that even though you were playfully joking that you couldn't "control yourself"politeness is still important... eh, I just didn't find the joke funny at the time. But anywho! You're fine now, so no worries. :) I'd be careful about upchucking rainbows though, you might wanna get that checked with a doctor Ha ha ha... (annnnd I tried for a joke, but it wasn't too funy, was it? Well, I tried. A for effort?)**

**Thanks for reviewing!**


	21. A Twisted Time Part 2

Summary: _Dipper just wanted to have an evening of monster hunting, not to accidentally travel space and time and have a pharaoh demand his hand in marriage._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>A Twisted Time Part 2<em>

_No._

Nearly choking on the water still in his mouth, Dipper shot to his feet, dropped the goblet, and _sprinted_.

_Absolutely not._

He scrambled deeper into the oasis, the shouts of Imhotep and the guards following him.

_He would _not _marry Bill._

His foot snagged on a protruding stone and he flew through the air. His arms smacked the sandy soil and he skidded forwards, scraping his arms. He slowed to a stop just as his hands dipped into water. He groaned. Running in a oasis, where there was a _lot _of foliage on the ground, was a _bad idea._

He spat out sand and pushed himself to his knees, wiping his damp palms on the robe. He looked up to see a pond…

…and a _ton _of faces staring at him.

Dipper swallowed harshly. Oh gosh, so many eyes watching him. Stiffly, the teen stood.

"Um…" he began, fidgeting with his hat that had somehow stayed on. "Hello?"

Coarse hands thudded onto his shoulder and he yelped when those same hands dragged him backwards. He craned his neck to see one of his previous guards. He cursed.

"Let me go!" He ordered and fought against the hold.

He was _not _marrying the pharaoh! He'd escape and find the sphinx and they'd _never be able to find him!_

The guard looped an arm around his waist and hefted him off the ground. Dipper struggled wildly as the bigger man tucked him beneath an arm and toted him back to the palace. All the while, Dipper kicked and pounded his fists against the man and demanded he be released. Nonetheless, the guard ignored his protests with ease.

Too soon, the man carried him up the steps where none other than Bill waited with a scowl. In light of his horrible evening, Dipper shot the pharaoh a death stare.

The teen spat out a curse and tacked on. "I'm _not_ marrying you."

Bill waved his hand and pivoted, striding into the palace. Dipper yelled and writhed but the guard wouldn't set him free and Bill pointedly ignored the frustrated shouts. Dipper knew his voice would become raw and hoarse, but he was past the point of caring. He did _not _want to marry some stranger he _just _met and if they were going to _force _him then he was going to _fight._

Bill projected his voice over Dipper's own and the guard finally released his prisoner. Dipper dropped to the ground and pushed himself to his feet, glaring heatedly at the pharaoh.

The Egyptian directed his attention to the guard and spoke in short order. The guard nodded and strode out of the room, footsteps echoing on the clay floors. Once the footfalls faded, Bill whirled on Dipper.

The young man burst into a flurry of exclamations and Dipper recoiled but caught onto the pharaoh's scolding.

Dipper's cheeks burned and he curled his fists. How _dare _his kidnapper reprimand him for rightfully seeking his freedom!

The teen flew up his hands "You're a dickwad!"

Bill jerked away before narrowing his eyes and raising his voice. Sensing the man had a few colorful words to say too, Dipper upped the ante and started swearing, all the while flailing his hands in agitation.

"I didn't ask for this!" He bulldozed over the pharaoh's own voice, his voice straining. "I don't want this! This is _not_ happening! I'm going home and _you can't stop me!"_

The teen spun on his heel and stormed down the massive hall lit by torches. A hand thudded on his shoulder, clenching tightly, and spun him around. He staggered, his head still spinning. Another hand clamped onto his other shoulder and the pharaoh shook him, yelling.

Dipper growled. "Get your hands _off _of me, you jerk!"

He slipped his arms between the man's and shoved outwards, effectively removing the pharaoh's hands. Quickly, he pivoted and broke into a sprint.

Sandals clapping against the floor, another set joined the sound. Dipper cursed. Couldn't the dumb jerk realize when an advance was _unwanted? _The prick apparently thought he was a _god! _Didn't the dummy realize he could be _smited into smithereens _for his insolence and disrespect or something? Arghh!

Bill's unfortunately familiar commanding voice reverberated in the room and soon the thudding of footfalls entered the room. Dipper slid to a halt, eyes wide.

"No…" he breathed.

From the shadows into the dim light of the torches, guards _so many guards,_ marched into view. How did so many appear? _Why _were there so many? Did the pharaoh change his mind about the marriage and decided to just kill him instead?

Hope drained like the color fading from his face. The pharaoh ordered a command and the guards encircled the wide eyed teen. Heart hammering, Dipper retreated a step only to feel hands close around his upper arms and drag him into a bare chest. He squirmed.

"Let me go!" He pulled against the hold.

The rest of the guards surrounded him and the man holding him in place. Between the dimly lit bodies, Dipper could just barely see the pharaoh's unreadable stare. The man lifted his chin, rolled his shoulders back, and swept out an arm. He issued a command and the guards obeyed.

The teen wriggled as he was dragged forwards. "No!" He protested.

In a last ditch effort, he sought for the pharaoh's gaze but the bodies shifted too fast and he was dragged deeper into the dark halls.

~oOo~

As time wore on, Dipper's struggles faded and he fought to just stay awake. He stifled a yawn. Just how big _was_ the palace and…was that music?

Dipper perked as the guards halted before twin massive doors. Two men marched forwards and pulled open the doors and the fast paced music hit him like a wave. Fire roared in the middle of the giant room, casting flickering shadows on the dancers shifting fluidly about the room.

Dipper blinked, transfixed by the sight as the guards led him deeper into the room.

Pipes and flutes played, leading the melody. Sea-shelled castanets clicked rapidly to the fast paced beat. String instruments plucked with the rhythm, and a sistrum jangled in time to the steady tambourine.

Women and men alike weaved through the cheering crowd, but in the center of the room, surrounding the fire, were the dancers that caught Dipper's focus.

Sitting in front of the flames atop a cushioned mat with his back straight and gaze zeroed on Dipper's own, rested the grinning pharaoh. Around the man danced what Dipper assumed to be belly dancers. The women, garbed in vibrant colors of loose linen skirt and bra and bedazzled with jewels, flowed their bodies to the rhythm of the music.

The dancers, always in motion, moved in sync as they twisted their hips and torso in time to the beat. They shimmied and shivered, fluidly bending their arms to accentuate gestures. They flicked their heads and bent their backs with expertise crafted from constant practice.

Completely forgetting about the jerk that kept him trapped in the palace, Dipper stared at the dancers, awestruck and overwhelmed. Well, _damn._ Egyptian parties were an _art form._

Unbeknownst to Dipper or the party attendants, the pharaoh inwardly pouted. His soon to be groom was paying the party more attention than the pharaoh himself!

Dipper swiveled his gaze about the hieroglyphic inscribed room. He breathed in the sharp tang of incense and shifted his gaze onto a table piled high with food. He stared and his stomach growled. Oh…how long had it been since he'd last eaten?

Transfixed by the sight of bread and vegetables, Dipper slipped out of the guard's loose grip and wandered to the table, the guards at his side. The crowd parted for him, several eyes staring, but he barely noticed, eyes set on the food. He reached for some pita bread.

A bronze hand slapped away his white one. He jerked his offended gaze up to meet the pharaoh's own narrowed stare. Dipper scowled and swiped the bread. The jerk could _suck it._

With their back to the crowd, Dipper blinked when he saw the pharaoh most definitely _pout. _That couldn't be a frown. The pharaoh was _definitely _pouting.

Dipper chuckled. The prick deserved whatever slight he had perceived.

Grinning and feeling his mischievous side rise, Dipper slowly bit into the bread. He made sure to add a pleased hum for extra seasoning of spite against the man. Oh wait, _wow, _the bread was pretty damn good!

Forgetting to continue his passive aggressive revenge against Bill, Dipper hurriedly stuffed his face and grabbed another piece of bread. Just before he could poof his cheeks with _that _piece of bread, Bill grasped his wrist with an amused glint to his eyes.

Dipper rolled his eyes and used his other hand to grab more bread. He then proceeded to shove the food into his mouth. Bill frowned.

The teen positively _beamed._ Serves the jerk right!

Rolling his own eyes, Bill dragged Dipper away from the table and led him to the fire, the guards following behind them. Dipper recoiled, paranoia flaring. The prick was gonna shove him into the flames!

Instead of doing just that, Bill sat Dipper down onto a cushioned mat beside the pharaoh's own mat. Dipper blinked. Oh. He hadn't seen that there were _two _mats before…

Inhaling and munching on the bread, Dipper cast his gaze about the lively room as the pharaoh sat beside him. A servant approached the two with twin goblets and Dipper gladly accepted the drink. Only, the moment he took a swig, he paused. Huh, black tea rather than water or beer. Who knew?

Shrugging because the drink tasted good anyway and he was thirsty, Dipper downed the drink. Bill laughed beside him and issued a command to the servant. The servant left and Dipper yelped when he felt warmth wrap around his waist, tugging him close.

The teen scowled and pushed back against Bill's hold but the man just laughed and held him tighter. Dipper growled out a protest but after a quick scan of his surroundings, he sighed. A man physically stronger than him pinned him in a side hug, guards hovered around the two, and to even get to the _doors_ he'd have to shove his way through a _massive _crowd.

Looks like he wouldn't be escaping that night.

His eyes slipped closed.

~oOo~

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Egypt at a core trade center, met two merchants at a stall.

The man with a brown complexion, sitting atop a camel, idly observed the black merchant's wares.

"My pharaoh will be marrying a god tomorrow." The brown man noted, and lazily shifted his gaze from a wooden bow to reach into the bags saddled to the camel.

"Is that so?" The black merchant returned, watching with equally feigned disinterest.

"Yes." He grasped a clay vase. "This for the bow?"

"Agreed." The merchant accepted the pottery and offered the bow. "King Gleeful will not be pleased."

He hummed. "Perhaps Nubia could use the luck of a god."

The merchant grinned. "Perhaps it could."

~oOo~

"Dipper."

The teen groaned, eyes shut tight. Why was the world shaking?

"_Dipper_."

Urghh. Why did that voice sound familiar? Blearily, he opened his eyes.

"Dipper!"

Promptly, he paled.

"Bill!" His voice dropped in disappointment. "I'm still here…"

The pharaoh grinned and Dipper took a moment to realize that the man was bare chested because he _didn't have his robe on._

Face flaming a rosy hue, Dipper jerked away. He recoiled too far and tumbled out of the blankets and off the bed. He crashed to the floor and the jerk had the nerve to laugh.

"Urghhhh…" Dipper groaned, face smushed against the cool floor. "I hate you so much."

The pharaoh chirped a response and clambered out of the bed. Hearing the rustling of fabric, Dipper's cheeks burned and he turned away from the man.

"Dipper." The man added a few more words.

The teen refused to look at the surely nude man because if the prick wasn't wearing his _robe, _then he might not be wearing anything else!

"_Diiii_-per." Bill called.

Dipper shook his head. "Nope. Not turning around."

Bill scoffed and shifted about the room. Abruptly, the man jumped in front of him and Dipper stifled a scream.

Oh, wait.

The guy was indeed wearing clothes.

Sending a stink eye at the laughing prick who currently was dressed in just a shendyt, he shifted his gaze onto what the pharaoh held in his hands.

Dipper huffed. "No. We're not going through this–"

Bill rolled his eyes and shoved the pile of fabric into Dipper's hands.

"–again." Dipper sighed. "You took my hat again too, didn't you?"

Figuring that the man had indeed hid the hat or put it out of reach, Dipper accepted the clothing. Great. This time the robe was another silky white. Dipper thinned his lips, stood, and ushered the grinning Bill out of the room.

Once the doors closed, he unfolded the fabric. "Great…" He heaved another sigh. "Just great."

He changed into the robe and opened the door. Bill took the worn robe and handed it to one of the stationed guards. Bill guided Dipper to the same table from yesterday and Dipper shot a glare at the man. There, resting innocently on the far end of the table and bedazzled with plumage, sat his beaten up old hat.

"Did you _really _have to _stab _my hat with _feathers? _C'mon!"

Bill just hummed and picked up an arm band. Dipper rolled his eyes but complied. He wouldn't be getting his hat back until he was all dolled up, apparently.

By the time the jewels were all on him once again, and his hat was securely on his head, the pharaoh led him out of the room and the stationary guards shifted into motion. Soon several more guards joined them as they walked until they were completely surrounded. And in Dipper's case, trapped.

The teen gritted his teeth. How was he going to get out of _this?_ He rubbed his arm as he followed Bill's lead to what appeared to be a temple. Standing in front of the temple were a _massive _amount of people.

Dipper swallowed harshly, stomach churning and mind whirring. Temple. People. Feather in his hat that wasn't there yesterday.

This was it.

He was marrying Bill.

The teen shuddered as the pharaoh looped an arm around his own and led him through the parted crowd and up the temple steps. The guards halted at the bottom of the stairs and together Bill and Dipper walked alone in the blistering sun.

They arrived at the top to find a man in a white linen shendyt and jewels. Dipper bit his lip. From what he had read of Egyptian culture, then this man was the priest who would marry the two.

The man held a flat paper length stone and what appeared to be a sharp arrowhead. Maybe the priest would use the sharp stone to write on the flat stone?

Curiosity peaking as they neared, Dipper rose onto his ip toes to peer at the flat stone. Neatly drawn hieroglyphics covered the surface save for the untouched surface near the bottom of the rock.

Bill tugged on Dipper's arm until the teen shifted to face the man, the priest standing nearly between them.

The priest spoke a few words, projecting his voice so the people at the bottom of the steps could hear. When the man finished, Bill added a few more words and Dipper stiffened when all eyes turned expectantly to him.

"Um…" Sensing the gist of what they were expecting but still not on board with the premise, Dipper stated. "I don't?"

Clearly not understanding his rejection, the crowd cheered and Bill grinned with shark's teeth. Dipper scowled and the jerk just stretched his smile. The priest hurriedly etched a few words and raised the stone. Dipper turned to look at the stone and blinked.

Inscribed on the rock was the hieroglyphs for Bill's name followed by Dipper's name written in English. Huh. When did the man learn how to write his name? From Imhotep, maybe?

Still, the crowd cheered and Dipper's stomach sank.

Where was a sphinx when he needed one?

~oOo~

The next day rolled around to find Dipper, once again, being dragged around the palace by an entirely _too _enthusiastic Bill. The pharaoh chattered excitedly, his arm hooked securely around Dipper's own. The teen rolled his eyes as the man waved his free arm about the room, showing off the palace golden sights.

Dipper nodded along, eyes often scanning each room for a possible escape.

"Dipper!" Bill called, spinning the startled teen. "Dipper!"

"Yeah, yeah, you know my name." Dipper sighed exasperatedly as he spun to a stop, staggering slightly. "Now would you calm down? It's too hot to be jumping around."

_"Dipper!" _Bill cheered. "Dipper Dipper Dipper!"

Dipper fought down an amused smile. He didn't want to encourage the guy.

"Alright, alright, what do you–"

A guard rushed into the room, shouting something in Egyptian, and Bill snapped from his playful energy to stern authority. The pharaoh pitched his voice to declare an order and the guard nodded, sprinting away. Bill pivoted, tightening his grip on Dipper's arm, and stormed down the hall. Dipper's stomach churned.

Bill looked downright _furious._

Dipper struggled to follow after the man's strong strides. They crossed the hall in seconds and arrived at a pair of large doors where a pair of stationed guards stood. The pharaoh shoved Dipper into one of the guard's arms and issued a command. Bill shifted to the second man and delivered another demand.

The guards nodded, one rushing away while the other dragged Dipper through the doors. Dipper watched Bill's narrowed face soften as their gazes met, and then the doors clicked shut.

Soon, several more men appeared and surrounded Dipper and the guard holding him. They wound through the palace until Dipper started to vaguely recognize the area to be near the pharaoh's chamber. Sure enough, the arrived at Bill's quarters and the guards pushed Dipper through the wooden doors.

The jackals bounced around his feet as the doors closed behind him, the guards apparently guarding the door.

Whatever had happened was bad_._ Very, very, _bad._

Although he didn't know what had happened, he knew there wasn't a _chance _he'd be able to sneak out the room. There were too many guards blocking the door and whatever threat had appeared _certainly _wouldn't be able to get through Bill's army that was soon to be stationed outside the room. After all, someone who was assumed to be a god was a treasure to protect, and the Egyptians apparently thought he was one.

He heaved a sigh and moved from the door to sit on the bed. Immediately, the puppies jumped onto the bed and clambered onto his lap. He chuckled and slid his hand through their soft black fur.

The door creaked open.

Dipper perked as a familiar man stepped into the room, holding a flat stone and utensil similar to the ones the priest had used the other day.

"Imhotep." Dipper greeted with a nod.

"Dipper." The man returned.

"So another language lesson, I guess?"

The man, apparently understanding what Dipper must be curious about, nodded and sat cross legged on the floor. The teen gently pushed the puppies off his lap and slid to the floor as well, sitting beside his teacher.

They shifted through the motions like during their first lesson until Dipper caught on.

"Wait…" he paused. "You mean to tell me the neighboring country of Nubia is invading Egypt _right now?_ And," his voice squeaked, "and they're after _me?"_

One guy wanting to keep him was enough, but _another one?_

Dipper stiffened when he heard a commotion outside the room. Were the invaders already at the door? Could the Egyptian guards fend them off? How much blood would paint the day? He straightened when he heard rustling behind them followed by a pair of dull thuds. Someone cleared their throat.

Slowly, Dipper turned.

A man with a deep and dark complexion, framed by the window, aimed an arrow at the student and teacher. The teen swallowed harshly.

"Nubian?" Dipper questioned.

Imhotep stepped in front of him. "Nubian." He answered.

The teen bit his lip and grasped his arm as more black skinned soldiers clambered out of the window and piled into the room, each taking a fighting stance with arrows drawn. He stepped closer to the only familiar man in the room.

And then a young man, dazzled in jewels with a bow and filled quiver slung across his back, strode forwards through the crowd. Dipper stared at the man's richly colored face and poofy brown hair, somehow styled to rise to the sky. How did the guy manage to poof his hair like that?

_Priorities._ Where were they? For all he knew, he was about to be killed or kidnapped! Again. _Great_.

The man, clearly the leader, announced in what Dipper could only assume to be Nubian. Imhotep pressed his back against Dipper's torso, as if that would protect the teen more, and replied in Egyptian.

The Nubian king raised a brow and shifted his gaze from Imhotep to Dipper. His uninterested stare sparked with interest the moment he spotted the teen peering around the Egyptian's bulk.

The stranger spoke and Dipper blinked. Did he just switch to Egyptian? Dipper frowned. well it _would _make sense if the man was fluent in the language of the neighboring country. Besides, didn't the two countries trade with one another despite their rivalry? Dipper shook his head. Whoo, he _really_ needed to stop zoning out.

The Nubian king straightened, deepened his high pitched voice, and swept an arm.

Promptly, an arrow whizzed through the air.

Imhotep screamed.

Dipper gasped, eyes shot wide, as his mentor crumbled to the floor with blood pooling from the his chest. Dipper made to drop to the floor but the Nubian king himself snatched his arm and dragged him away from the wheezing Egyptian.

Fearing for his life and still in shock after just watching a man be _shot by an arrow,_ Dipper numbly let the king yank him into the crowd of soldiers. The king manhandled him until he was tucked and tied securely into the crook of an arm, and then the man climbed out the window and scaled down the palace walls.

Dipper's stomach churned and he resisted the urge to struggle. Although Dipper's torso was bound to the king's waist by rope, the man wasn't secured to anything. There was a chance that if he struggled, the king and he would fall off the wall and from _this _height…? Well they'd go _splat!_

Heart lodged in his throat, Dipper tried to remain as still as possible as they descended. Not soon enough, the king's feet touched sand and Dipper started to squirm.

Ignoring his struggles, the taller man just straightened, patted the teen's back with his free hand and darted off, his soldiers at his heels. Though several Egyptians appeared to block their way, the Nubians fended them off with well aimed arrows, but quite a few Egyptians managed to dodge the arrows and stab some of the soldiers with spears. Blood from both sides was spilled.

Dipper felt _sick._

So much blood and so many deaths.

All because they wanted _him._

He bit his lip, looking away as the Nubians barreled through the Egyptian ranks. What could he do? There _had _to be a way to stop the two countries from fighting! But to do that, he'd need to leave–which he planned to do anyway–or maybe… He wracked his mind for a solution as the Nubians sprinted across the desert sands.

What could he do?

He was shaken from his concentration when the rope around his torso loosened and hands hooked beneath his arms. The Nubian king lifted the startled teen into the air and saddled him atop a camel.

Dipper blinked. _Whoa. _Where'd all the camels come from?

The animal glanced at him and snorted, rearing back its head, and spat spit on the sand. Dipper cringed. He _definitely _wasn't fond of this one.

The king laughed and launched himself atop the camel and, oddly enough, behind the teen. The man grasped the camel's reins fashioned out of rope and in the process, kept Dipper pinned between his arms. The teen thinned his lips, shifting uncomfortably in the stranger's hold.

"Hut-hut!" The king commanded and the camel broke into a trot.

The soldiers leapt atop their respective camels and followed suit, following their leader.

Dipper sighed.

He was in for a _long _ride.

~oOo~

Apparently, he was also in for _another _wedding.

Dipper eyed the beautiful henna decorating his forearms. He'd been stuffed into yet another white robe with only minor differences such as longer sleeves. Each accessory had been replaced, but the jewelry looked pretty much the same to the teen.

Regardless of his new attire, he was in for a whirl of trouble.

"Dipper!" The Nubian king called voice clearly impatient.

The teen sighed. Once again, the lone window was too high up to escape out of and the lone exit was barricaded by Nubian guards. He almost wanted to laugh at the mirroring events…if it weren't for the fact that Nubian king had a shorter temper than the pharaoh.

"Hold on Gideon!" He returned.

They'd gone through the introductions of a hand against the chest, and now they were going through the motions of getting married…again.

Dipper brushed a hand through his hair and opened the doors. The Nubian king's scowl morphed into a gleeful grin. Dipper shuddered. He did _not _like that smile.

The man spoke in rapid Egyptian and grasped Dipper's forearm, dragging him down the palace hall and soon out into the sunlight. Dipper squinted against the light.

Gideon yanked him along, down the stairs and soon onto a camel. Dipper could only assume they were going to a temple. _Again._

_"Dipper!"_

The teen froze. That…that _couldn't _be.

Slowly, he turned. "Bill?"

His eyes blew wide when Gideon spat out Egyptian and ripped the bow from his back and an arrow from his quiver. Bill himself stood not too far away, wielding a spear, and looking downright _murderous._ The king and pharaoh exchanged heated sneers.

Dipper made to clamber off the camel but a sharp glare from Gideon kept him in place. Maybe he _didn't _want to get involved between two jerks holding lethal objects.

The two readied their objects and Dipper bit his lip. He should intervene. But would they _listen _to him? He grasped his arm as the two neared one another. Could he just idly stand by while one, or even _both, _of them _died?_

_ No._

_ "Stop!" _He flung out his arms and jumped off the camel, wincing as the momentum from the landing shot up his legs.

_He was _not _watching someone else die tonight._

Resolve set, Dipper tackled the man closest to him: Gideon. Taken off guard, Dipper barely managed to wrestle the bow free of the man's grip before untangling himself and hurling the bow out of reach.

Bill grinned upon realizing Dipper was running towards him. He stretched out his arms for a hug or something and Dipper seized the chance. He snatched Bill's spear, shoved him to the ground, and rushed to the ground between the two.

He had an idea.

Gideon could speak Egyptian. But could he also _read _Egyptian?

Hastily, he upended the spear and stabbed the ground, hurriedly scribbling the familiar hieroglyphics. Too stunned to remember beating each other up, Bill and Gideon stood and wandered over, watching Dipper work.

Soon Dipper had scribbled out the desired words, looked at Bill and then swiveled a stern gaze to Gideon. He cleared his throat, tapped the ground with the spear, and then pointed at Bill followed by pointing at Gideon.

Understanding dawned on the men's faces and their expressions scrunched.

They shook their heads stubbornly but Dipper persisted.

Marriages were often made to resolve tensions between lands, weren't they? And if the two men had no problem marrying a _male _then they should have no problem marrying_ each other! _Never mind the fact they clearly hated each other's _guts._

But hey, they thought he was a _god,_ didn't they? Maybe they could assume that was his job all along–to unite the rivaling countries.

As the two men started a heated argument with Dipper, the teen rolled his eyes. His decision was _final_ and if they didn't like it then they could just–

His eyes widened.

There, not too far away and watching the proceedings with a tilted head, was the sphinx.

Dipper dropped the spear and _sprinted. _Spotting him, the creature's eyes shot wide but before the feline could poof away he flung himself at the animal and hung on tight.

"Take me _home!" _He shouted, a borderline plea.

And they poofed away.

~oOo~

"…and that's how I got a sunburn and these weird clothes."

"I dunno, bro-bro, they _still_ look like a costume to me."

"_Mabel." _Dipper heaved a sigh and sank further into the couch. "I was gone for _days. _Where do you–"

"_Hours_." His sibling corrected, sitting on the arm chair.

"What?"

Mabel grasped the bottom of her socked feet and kicked her legs like she used to when she was a child. "You've only been gone for a few hours."

"But that's not…how's that…"

His sibling rolled her eyes. "You sure you haven't raided my stash of Smile Dip?"

He spluttered. "_No."_

She grinned and hopped off her perch. "Good! And, bro-bro? You're talking about _time travel."_

"Which we've _done _before–"

"Yeah, yeah," she waved a hand. "But doesn't that just mean that while you were technically gone a few days, you time traveled back to not long after you left. You got lucky, bro-bro."

"Wait, so you believe me?"

She scoffed. "Of _course_ I do! Can't you tell when I'm teasing?"

He sank into the chair. "I've been dragged from one country to another, married in the blistering sun, and haven't eaten anything in what feels like _days._ Can't you cut me some slack?"

She blew him a raspberry. "I _still _can't believe got married before me! That's so unfair!"

_"Mabel!"_ He whined. "Where's the sympathy?"

She laughed and exited the room "In Egypt!"

He huffed and crossed his arms. What a unsympathetic _meanie_.

Still… Absently, he shifted his gaze to the peeling ceiling.

What happened after he left?

~oOo~

"Dipper!" Bill and Gideon called, outstretching a hand.

Too late, their groom and the sphinx vanished. Together, the leaders sighed and shifted their gaze onto the sand.

Bill shifted his weight onto one leg. "So. Marriage."

Gideon studied the writing and sighed. "A god's will, it seems."

The pharaoh scrunched his face. "I hate to say it…but perhaps that was the whole purpose of his visit, to unite our countries."

"Perhaps so." The Nubian king agreed.

"Then it seems we need to prepare the festivities."

"Indeed."

Inwardly, the pharaoh and king cringed. They had to marry their _rival?_

Dipper _sucked._

~oOo~

**Notes:**

***Faints* So many words... And now off to do some homework. Yay. ****Anywho, I think that's all for _A Twisted Time _since I'm not planning to write more for this AU.**

**The next oneshot outta be up by next Wednesday at the latest.**

**Thanks for all the positive reviews! You all make me glow with happiness!**

**lol: That must've been quite the unfortunate adventure for you! It's kinda funny actually, since I'm the youngest out of my siblings and I'm pretty sure I might've doodled on at least one of my older sibling's homework at some point. Heh heh heh. **

**New Reader: Ha ha ha, you're making me blush! And hmmm, yummy! Chocolate's a favorite of mine too! And no worries about the length of your review, I like reading what people think! And ha ha ha, I _might've _watched Tarzan recently and totally felt inspired with the name giving scene between Tarzan and Jane.**

**LA DE DA and dipdot: Aww, you flatter me! While I don't consider myself the boss or the best, you are certainly making me grin! **

**Goldstar and Guest: Ha ha ha, "Double Trouble" is a good name for the bothersome blonds. Don't worry, ****I do intend to write more oneshots with both Bill and Gideon in the same story.**

**super: Oof, it sure is no fun being sick! Hope you feel better soon! All my friends have gotten sick, I might be next...dun dun _duuun._**

**Thanks for reviewing!**


	22. Magic and Mayhem

Summary: _Dipper__ Pines knew Gravity Falls was rooted deeply in the mythological, but between a demon and a telekinetic vying for his attention and a surge of uprising creatures, he just can't seem to catch a break._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Magic and Mayhem<em>

"Feel my frigid fingers."

The teen squawked, recoiling from the hand against his cheek. "_Mabel!"_

His sibling laughed at his misery but returned her fingers to her pockets. "Aw, lighten up bro-bro!"

"We are about to hold a meeting with the _supernatural inhabitants_ of these woods! You need to _focus!"_

"But _Dipper!"_

"We are representatives of the _town. _If we screw this up then–"

"We'll be _fine!"_

Dipper gargled out incoherent noises of frustration and shook his hands in the air. His sister's boundless optimism was _not _what he needed at the moment.

"Just–_try_ to focus. _Please._" He inhaled. "We could be _killed _if we mess up."

Sensing his unease, Mabel stilled with a frown. "If it makes you feel better, I could do the talk–"

"_No."_ Dipper jerked, eyes wide. "No that's a horrible idea."

Mabel recoiled and averted her gaze.

Dipper lifted the brim of his cap and brushed an agitated hand through his hair. "No. Look. I'm sorry I–I'm just…" He sighed.

Honesty was the best policy and who better to confess than to his twin?

"I'm scared, Mabel."

His sister perked. "Well why didn't you just say so?"

He exhaled heavily and replaced his hat. He slid a hand to his back pants pocket and sighed. Good. His note-cards were still there.

He bit his lip. "It's not easy to say."

Mabel rolled her eyes. "Just because you're a boy doesn't mean–"

"–I'm not allowed to express my feelings. I know, I know, but you _know _our culture is–"

"–riddled with inhumanities that, while we can try to change society's norms and expectations, progress can't be made overnight. Yadda yadda yadda."

Dipper huffed but cracked a smile. "That almost sounds like what I plan to say at the meeting."

"Well you _did _write a speech in note-card form."

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well."

She nudged him with an elbow. "Well?"

He smiled. "Well–" He stiffened as his gaze locked on a landmark. "We're here."

In front of them, curved around a rock, hung a slew of vines. They twins stilled and exchanged silent stares before nodding. Dipper stepped forwards and pushed aside the vines.

His jaw dropped. "Oh my gosh…"

Were they even still _in _the woods?

Massive trees rose from the ground and sheltered the expansive clearing with shadows from unusually large leaves. Unconventional buildings littered the space ranging from houses woven out of shifting tree roots to tiny rooms made out of mushrooms. But what hooked Dipper's attention wasn't the place straight out of a fantasy, but the _creatures_.

It seemed all the creatures under the sun had shown up. Dipper spotted the familiar woodland inhabitants, such as the gnomes and manotaurs, to the unfamiliar. Some of the creatures he recognized from books filled the space. Satyrs, centaurs, fairies and even _phoenixes_ mingled. Then there were many of the creatures he wasn't too familiar with.

A wyvern lounged on a sun baked rock while a winged horse with the head and shoulders of an eagle conversed with the resting creature. He bit his lip. That…looked like a hippogriff from European mythology and…his gaze dropped to the freshwater river flowing at the edge of the clearing. A mermaid with a gap toothed smile and wooly hair giggled with a merman with scaly cheeks. Could that be an African Jengu and…some other mer-person?

Curiosity spiking, he widened his eyes and swiveled his gaze. A silver fox with nine tails flicked its tails rhythmically in time to the beat of a yeti tapping its large hands against the rocks.

Did they _all_ live in the woods?

Mabel, having recovered first, placed her palm beneath his chin and shut his mouth.

"This…" Dipper breathed. "This is _incredible."_

"Who knew there were _so many _of these guys coming?"

Dipper promptly forgot his awe in place of lightening fast fear.

He paled with a squeak. "I'm going to have to talk in front of _all _of them?"

Mabel patted his shoulder but even _her _stomach churned. "You'll do fine."

The teen bit his lip. "Do you really think I'll be able to convince them not to attack the town?"

His sibling patted her chest. "I'm _certain _you can! Just remember to breathe!"

"Okay…" he inhaled and let out the air slowly, mentally preparing himself. "Okay…"

She grinned. "Now let's go find Jeff! He should be hanging out with his gnome crew, right? So…"

While she scanned the place for the gnome leader, Dipper once again observed his surroundings and focused on his breath.

"C'mon…" He murmured. "Just gotta breathe…"

A gloved hand thudded onto his shoulder.

"Well lookie here!" A high-pitched voice cheered next to his ear and he jumped. "The human representatives have arrived!"

Dipper bit back a yelp when the same hand spun him around. He staggered, slightly dizzy, as the young man with strikingly blond hair grinned with shark's teeth.

"Want some deer teeth to celebrate your arrival?"

Dipper shook off the hand, scrunching his face. "Uh–"

"Hon, the boy would _much _prefer an amulet that _I_ created." A blue suited teen sauntered towards the pair.

"Um–"

The first stranger twirled his hand and deer teeth floated into his hand. Dipper balked in disgust and and retreated a few steps.

"_Whoa_, hold up." He protested, lifting his hands. "Who are you guys?

"Bill Cipher, mind demon!" Greeted the first man with an outstretched hand, still holding the teeth in his other hand.

The second young man glared at the man's hand and an turquoise aura surrounded the limb before jerking the black sleeved arm to the side. Bill huffed but resisted the next pull of the poofy haired teen's telekinesis.

"_I,_" the teen sauntered forwards while Bill rolled his eyes and shook off the magic, "am Gideon Gleeful.

The teen grasped Dipper's hand and started to bow. "It's a pleasure to–"

Dipper ripped his hand free with a scowl. That weirdo was about to kiss his _hand. Ew._

Gideon pouted but persisted. "What color amulet would you–"

"Look," Dipper prepared to set them straight. "I'm just here to sort out the conflict between the town and the residents of these woods." Dipper pulled out his note cards. "So the sooner we start the meeting the better. So there's no need to give me anything, or–why are you looking at me like that?"

Bill and Gideon exchanged silent glances before Bill spoke. "You gonna tell him or am I?"

"Tell me what?" Dipper heart sank.

Gideon lifted his eyes to the sky and rocked on his heels. "_Well_…"

Bill rolled his eyes and spat out the news. "You're not just the representatives for the town."

Dipper frowned.

"You two represent the entire human race."

He dropped his cards.

~oOo~

**Notes: **

**This one's a shortie cause I have a theater performance this week and I promised to post something by Wednesday at the latest and ahhh I'm totally fretting about the performance but hopefully I'll do alright.**

**super: Ha ha ha, the next oneshot could be Curing the World: One Reader at a Time. Ha ha ha.**

**lol: Teamwork to destroy older siblings homework at its finest!**

**LA DE DA: Whoops? It seems my shark's grin is just like Bill's... Now if only I wouldn't giggle like Gideon...**

**dipdot: Hmm, I'll check out quizlet. It sounds like it'll be good for checking answers.**

**New Reader: Ha ha ha, I'm not sure _how _the idea of the two blonds marrying each other popped into my mind but I figured, why not? Ha ha, I liked that scene too! Ooo, jealous blonds. I'll see what I can do! (I'll probably take forever to get around to writing the story though, cause I'm a slow writer.) Thanks for the encouragement!  
>P.S. You lucky duck! You're tempting me into wanting to buy some chocolate ice cream!<strong>

**Thanks for reviewing!**


	23. Garden Shop Part 4

Summary:_ Dipper worked at a flower shop. A simple job really, until a pair of blonds walked in._

Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided?)

* * *

><p><em>Garden Shop Part 4<em>

"The question-mark shirt? That'll be…" Dipper typed in the price and smiled at the customer. "Cash or credit?"

"Cash." The woman pulled out her wallet and handed him the money.

"Alrighty, a dollar fifty is your change."

Dipper placed the corresponding amount in the lady's waiting palm and bid her farewell. With the last customer gone, he sagged on the stool and dropped the smile.

He groaned. "Mabel? Can you watch the cashier for me while I get some Ibuprofen? This heat is _killing _me."

Mabel popped her head into the room. "Got another headache, bro-bro?"

The teen just flopped onto the counter in response.

"Just a moment, I'll get you some."

"Thank you." He said, voice muffled by the counter.

The bell above the door jingled and Dipper hastily sat upright. Ignoring the throbbing in his head, Dipper shifted his gaze to the entrance. He stared.

"_Bill? _What are you–_Gideon?"_

The blond's roaming stares zeroed on Dipper. The teen recoiled because _whoa _did they _have _to do that in sync? That was just creepy.

"Ah, hello there Dipper Pines." Gideon greeted and elbowed Bill out of his way to step further into the store. "How are you?"

Dipper struggled to form words. "I–"

"_Dippingsauce!" _His sibling's cheery voice cut in and she bounced into sight. "Are these your mystery boyfriends from yesterday? I'm so jealous, bro-bro, cause they are _hot!"_

The teen whined and slouched onto the counter and rubbed his aching temples. "_Mabel!_"

She laughed and placed the medicine and glass of water atop the counter. Dipper straightened enough to swipe the small pills and plopped them into his mouth. While he hurriedly downed the pills with water, his sister had taken to chatting up the blonds.

Soon a wave of faint voices flooded into the room, steadily increasing in volume until the speakers appeared. Dipper placed the glass aside and straightened as the customers chattered and perused the store. Dipper slapped on a pleasant smile.

A grouchy voice cut through the noise. "Who are they and do they work for the government?"

Dipper rolled his eyes as his great uncle pushed through the crowd with Mabel in tow. "Of course not! They're Dipper's soon-to-be-boyfriends!"

Realizing who his sister was referring to, Dipper scowled. "_Mabel! _Those weirdos are _not _my_–"_

Just then, the blonds themselves emerged from the shifting mass of people. Slowly, a grin spread across his grunkle's face. Dipper's stomach churned.

"Dipper!" Stan strode to the cashier and placed his hands on his hips. "You're on tour duty.

The teen spluttered. "What?"

"Bill and Gideon," Stan pivoted to face the frowning blonds. "How would you two like to go on a _mysterious _tour led by none other than Dipper here? Of course, tours given by him are _quite rare _so the tour comes at rather high price. But don't worry, I'm _certain_ you two can afford it."

Gideon crossed his arms. "I've heard about you _Stanford_ _Pines, _and I know you're quite the con man. We'll take a tour led by my marshmallow at the _normal _price."

Dipper frowned. Did the poofy haired teen just call him a _marshmallow?_ What a _weirdo._

"Ha!" Stan barked. "The price matches the quality of the tour and Dipper's are some of the _finest. Surely _you two want nothing but the best, hmm?"

While the trip dissolved into arguing, the teen subconsciously puffed his chest from the indirect praise. Even if Stan was just buttering up the rich blonds to con a lot of money from them, he couldn't help but feel some pride. Stan rarely gave him kudos.

Bill aggressively outstretched a hand. "_Fine_. Do we have a deal?"

Stan scowled and accepted the shake. "_Deal_. Dipper!"

The teen straightened and hopped off the stool. "Got it."

"Mabel!"

"On it!"

His sister curved behind the cashier and he side-stepped her and waited. Once the blonds had finished coughing up the cash to a grinning Stan, Dipper waved a hand.

The blonds perked and quickened their pace as Dipper wove into the crowd.

"So what are you two doing here anyway?" He asked when they caught up.

"Can't we pay you a visit?"

Dipper rolled his eyes. Paying to see him was right. Knowing his grunkle, Stan would figure out a way to lock him in the Shack and require an entry fee so the blonds or anyone else would _literally _have to pay to see him. Humph. What a _jerk._

"Don't you have work to do?" Dipper deflected. "Besides, I thought were going somewhere on _Friday."_

"Dancing." Bill clarified. "We're going to a masquerade on Friday."

Dipper halted just as they entered the tour room. Not anticipating the sudden stop, Bill bumped into the teen's back. He whirled on his heel, cheeks rosy.

_"Dancing?" _He squeaked. "I can't dance to save my _life."_

When the blonds exchanged cheshire grins, his breath hitched. He did _not _like those smiles.

"Then–" Bill started, turning to Dipper in sync with Gideon.

"–we'll just have to teach you how to dance! Or at the very least _waltz,_ hon."

Restraining the urge to retreat, the teen crossed his arms. "Do you two _want _bruised feet? I'm telling you I _can't dance."_

"Oh hush." Gideon dismissed. "You'll do fine."

"I _think_ I know myself better than you two do." Dipper huffed.

"We could start the dance lessons today." Bill suggested. "After your done with work and all that."

Dipper scowled. "Not happening. You two didn't warn me that you were coming today. You," he jabbed a finger at Gideon, "said you were coming on _Friday. _I have plans for today."

The blonds exchanged stares. Bill spoke up first. "What plans?"

"Personal plans." He countered. "Now let's get this tour over with."

Being horrible nosy, Bill pried. "What plans?"

"I _told you_–"

"What pl–"

"Argh! Are you going to keep asking that until I–"

"What–"

"_Bill!"_

"Wha–"

_ "Fine!"_ Dipper threw his hands into the air. "If I tell you, you _both _have to promise not to laugh."

Bill grinned. "Deal." Then he turned to Gideon.

"Deal." Gideon agreed.

Dipper inhaled. "I study the monsters in the woods."

Gideon blinked. "Is that why you know so much about the supernatural?"

Seeing that they weren't laughing at him, the teen relaxed. "Yeah. Some of them are friendly enough to tell me what's going on, like the gnomes but others…" he rubbed his arm. "Well they're called _monsters_ for a reason."

Gideon straightened with a frown. "That sounds dangerous, hon."

He shrugged. "I can handle myself."

Bill added. "Are you sure about that?"

The teen bristled. "What are you two getting at?"

The poofy haired jerk lifted his hands. "I'm just saying you could get hurt is all."

He rolled back his shoulders with a sigh. They were just worrying about him.

"Listen," he lifted his cap and brushed a hand through his hair. "While it's nice that you two care, you don't need to worry about me. I can take care of myself."

Gideon frowned. "But you go into the woods alone."

"Yes."

"I'd feel better if you had someone to protect you."

Dipper scoffed. "Oh you've _got _to be kidding me. I don't _need–"_

"Which is why I will be accompanying you on your journey through the woods today."

The teen frowned. Gideon wanted to do _what?_ "You're joking."

"Am not."

Bill pitched in. "Someone needs to watch over _both _of you, so _I _will join as well."

Dipper sighed. "I can't convince you two out of this, can I?"

"Nope!" The blonds chorused.

"You sure? You'll dirty your clothes."

""Dry-cleaning." Gideon sang.

"And if you rip your clothes?"

"I know an expert tailor." Bill offered

Dipper threw his hands into the air. "_Fine_." He recognized when he couldn't win. "We leave in an hour."

The blonds cheered and Dipper rolled his eyes. "Alright, alright, let's start the tour already…"

~oOo~

"Hurry up, guys." Dipper tightened his grip on his backpack strap. "We're losing daylight!"

"We'd be quicker if you helped _carry _some of this junk." Bill shot back, staggering beneath the weight of Dipper's tools.

Gideon grunted in agreement. "We're not your pack mules, hon!"

Dipper humphed. "You are if you're tagging along."

"What if some monster shows up?" Bill protested. "We'll be so weighed down we won't be able to get away."

"Then drop the stuff and run." Dipper crossed his arms. "But we're just gathering ingredients in gnome territory and they're harmless. So quit complaining and get a move on!"

"Yeesh," Bill wheezed. "You sound like Stan."

Dipper huffed, unimpressed. He'd visited his grunkle every summer since he was twelve. It'd make sense if he'd been influenced by the gruff man. Besides, it was about time he had the chance to dish out orders!

"Are you coming or not?"  
>"Coming, coming." The blonds growled.<p>

Dipper's perked considerably once they were out the door. His scowl morphed into an excited grin and he hurried ahead of the blonds.

Only absently, he remembered the blonds were tagging along so he slowed impatiently. "C'mon, c'mon!"

The blonds peered around their baggage and smiled as their gazes landed on Dipper's bright face. The teen's eyes roved about the woods, energetically scanning the foliage. The blonds picked their way carefully through the undergrowth, trying to focus on where to put their feet rather than watching the bright-eyed and smiling teen.

"Gosh, he's like a ray of sunshine." Gideon whispered.

Bill heard the statement and nodded. "Yeah he's really _hot_."

"That's not what I meant." Gideon protested. "But yes, that too."

"Here we are!" Dipper flung out his arms and stretched. "You can just put the stuff on that flat rock there, thanks."

The blonds eagerly rushed to the stone and dumped the materials. Dipper shrugged off his bag and plopped it to the ground. He crouched and unzipped the bag while the blonds dropped to the ground with mirrored groans.

"You guys need to chop wood or something if you're _this _tired after carrying a bunch of _plastic containers."_

Bill scowled. "I usually just have someone else carry the heavy loads."

"They're not heav–"

"My career is primarily _performing. _I am _not _a stage hand." Gideon lifted his chin indignantly.

Dipper rolled his eyes. "_Right. _Anyway. Here's what I need…"

He described the ingredients of plants and stones but when he was met with blank stares, he sighed. He whipped out a pad of paper and a pen from the inside of his jacket. The teen scribbled the names and descriptions and added a doodle of the requested item for extra help.

"Here." He ripped the paper from the pad and handed the sheet to Gideon. "You two can share that so _don't lose it._"

Bill peered over Gideon's shoulder. "For a doodle, these are damn good drawings." He noted.

Dipper blinked and fought down a surprised blush. "Uh…thanks, I guess…"

He'd never been complimented for his drawing skills, except from his sister but she complimented practically _everything _so he thought nothing of it. Huh. And here he thought he was a geek for being a boy and liking art. Then again, the author of Journal 3 was a detailed artist too so maybe being a artist wasn't as uncool as he thought.

Mentally shrugging, he refocused on the task. "Anyway, stick close. The gnomes know me but they don't know you."

Even if he thought the blonds were weird, he didn't want them to be kidnapped by the gender or sex confused gnomes. Then he'd have to go save them and that would just waste so much time! But he couldn't, in good conscience, just _leave _them, no matter how much he would want to.

Shaking his head, he continued. "I know these woods too and you two don't. I can't have you two getting lost.. Plus, the ingredients should be around here."

The blonds _grinned_.

"Oh don't worry about us, hon." Gideon fixed his hair. "We won't be leaving you anytime soon."

"Staying by your side will be a _cinch." _Bill agreed.

Dipper frowned as the blonds neared to emphasize their point. "Yeah, no. Not that close." He batted as arms looped around his own. "Keep your hands to yourself too. Ever heard of personal space? Or respect for that matter?"

The blonds pouted but unhooked their arms. Dipper heaved a relieved sigh. _Geeze. _They were just so _handsy._ At least they listened for once, though.

"Keep your eyes peeled." He instructed and pulled out his journal. "I need to check something."

As he flipped through the pages, quickly scanning the familiar words, he dimly became aware of heated voices increasing in volume. He scowled. The idiots were going to draw unwanted attention with their bickering! And he couldn't focus. Jerks.

His eyes landed on one particular entry and a slow, evil little smile grew on his cheeks. He had just the plan to get them to shut up and focus. And if that plan involved a impossible task then oh well, they weren't being helpful anyway.

He snapped the book shut and tucked it into his jacket. Pivoting, he slapped on a sickly sweet smile that if one looked too close they'd notice his smile twitched.

The teen rocked on his heels and sand. "Hey _Bill~ Gideon~ _Could you please do me a _favor?"_

His sing songy tone worked like a charm. The blond halted their bickering and stared, jaws steadily lowering. Dipper tilted his head and sweetened his smile, fighting back the twitches.

"Oh absolutely, hon."

"What do you need?"

"_Well_," he made sure to look down and fiddle with his hands for amplified cuteness.

He had once been told by Mabel that he was adorable when he shyly asked for something. Although at the time he'd been mortified, apparently she had been right as he glanced up at the slack jawed jerks.

Heh heh heh, they were falling for his act.

"I _really_ want a phoenix feather but I've never been able to find one on my own."

He cranked up the charm as he slowly looked up with wide eyes. Slowly, he softened his expression into a nervous smile.

He kicked the ground with one foot and looked away. "Could you two look for one while I search for the other ingredients? It would mean _so much_ to me if you two worked_ together _to find one."

Hmm…was he overdoing it? He glanced at the weirdos. Nope! They were like puddy in his hands with those entranced stares. Who knew he could be a charmer? He resisted the urge to buff his nails on his shirt peeking between his open jacket.

Gideon straightened and elaborately bowed. "It would be my pleasure to find a feather with Bill. Right, Cipher?"

Dipper withheld an evil chuckle. His act worked! Hell yes! Ah ha ha ha! The fools!

"Sounds like a deal." Bill held out his hand and Gideon stood upright and accepted the shake.

Internally, Dipper did a little jig. They were off his back! He could finally _breathe_ and get some work done!

Outwardly, he grinned. "Thank you so much! Don't stray too far, alright? A feather should be found in the trees. Make sure neither of you fall, alright!"  
>"Will do, hon!"<p>

Once they were out of sight, the teen puffed his cheeks, planted his hands on his hips, and exhaled. "_Finally."_

He grasped a container and set to work.

~oOo~

"Do you really think a phoenix would live in the woods?" Gideon wondered.

Bill shrugged. "We've gotta at least get him something if we can't find a–_ow."_

The young man scowled and rubbed his head, scanning the ground for the cause of his pain. He frowned when he spotted the culprit.

"How'd–_ow. Another _one?"

Gideon looked up, puzzled. "Are rocks falling from the–what is _that?_."

Bill nursed his wound with a pout and lifted his chin. His eyes widened. "_Whoa."_

"Is that…a _nest?"_

"It's awfully huge for a bird nest."

The suit wearing teen grinned. "About the right size for a phoenix, wouldn't you say."

Bill's grin rivaled the teen's. "I thought you didn't believe in phoenixes."

"Now I do. Let's go!"

Gideon shed his tie and suit, keeping his shirt on, while Bill removed his bow tie and vest. The young men placed their clothes atop a rock and set to clambering up the tree.

"Wanna bet I can make it up there first?" Bill challenged.

"We're supposed to be working _together."_

"Dipper doesn't have to know."

"You're on!"

The blonds scrambled up the tree slowly. Clearly neither had experience in climbing trees as they kept slipping and clinging onto the various branches for dear life.

"Maybe this was a bad idea." Gideon panted.

"Maybe." Bill agreed.

Not soon enough, they managed to arrive at the branch holding the nest. They collapsed onto the massive branch and heaved in air.

"Oh sweet heavens," the messy haired teen bemoaned. "My _hair."_

"Shad up." Bill rebuked with a wheeze. "We are _never _doing this again. You hear."

"_Agreed_."

Bill lifted his chin and peered into the nest. A grin worked its way onto his face.

"Hey," he limply swatted at the teen's arm. "Guess what I spy."

The teen's gaze reluctantly shifted from his _ruined _hair to the follow Bill's line of sight. He cheered.

"A red and gold colored feather! That's _gotta _be it!"

"Even if it's not then we can at least say we tried!"

The teens rushed forwards, outstretching their arms to reach into the massive nest made out of tree branches and stones. Even if the nest was massive and somehow supported in the tree, they didn't want to risk putting their weight in the possibly fragile nest.

While they struggled to reach the feather, they failed to notice three ruby hued eggs shaking near the far end of the nest.

_Screech_.

The blonds yelped, as the caw pierced their ears. Losing their grip on the tree trunk, they tumbled forwards into the nest. They jerked their gazes up just as a clearly enraged red and gold feathered bird burst into flames.

"Oh dear." Gideon's jaw dropped.

The phoenix screeched once more and the blonds _screamed, _scrambling back as the mother phoenix grasped the edge of the nest's rocks with her talons. She flared her wings.

_Crack._

"Oh _shiiiiii–"_

~oOo~

Dipper removed his cap to brush a hand through his hair. "Where _is_ it?" He muttered.

He crossed his legs as he re-read the passage in his journal. He removed his hand from his hair to grasp the edge of the journal's page and rubbed his thumb along the weathered parchment.

Absently, he heard a resounding _crack._

"_Geeze_. How hard is it to find–"

Weight plopped into his aloft hat and he frowned, puzzled. "Oh that _better _not be bird poop."

He brought his hat to his chest and peered into the blue fabric. He blinked, however, when a pair of round eyes stared back at him. Surrounded by broken red egg shells was a fiery feathered bird. The bird chirped and he looked up. He paled.

Two round red eggs were falling fast and–were those _tree branches and rocks?_

Scrambling to his feet, he lunged to catch the first one with his hat, forgetting there was _already _a feathered inhabitant.

As the first egg landed, he heard an indignant squawk and cringed. "Sorry!"

Soon the second egg, right behind the first, crashed into his hat and the following high-pitched cheep was _definitely _angry. Whoops. Could baby birds _get _mad? Oh…hopefully the final two eggs were alright.

He rushed away from the falling tree branches and stones and stopped by a nearby tree. Peering into his hat once more, he sighed.

Three baby birds, one more dazed than the rest, flared their wings at one another. Covered in eggshells, they pecked at one another and the teen sagged against the tree, relieved they were all alive.

"Still…" He looked up. "Was that their–"

A furious screech resounded through the woods and wind buffeted his ears. He looked up and his jaw snapped shut.

"Annnd there's the mother."

The mother who happened to be a _phoenix _of all things.

The bird burst into flames and flared her wings. Slowly, Dipper placed his hat on the forest floor and crawled backwards away. All the while, the mother stared him down and he shrank in on himself. Inwardly, he hoped she wouldn't kill him.

The phoenix swooped forwards and he flinched as sparks from her feathers neared the dry forest floor. Oh…oh _no. _He'd be dead either way if her ignited feathers burnt the dry twigs on the ground and set the woods alight.

He held his breath as the giant bird poked her head into the hat and the flames cooled. Wisps of smoke rose form the avian's form as she visibly relaxed.

Thankfully, she hadn't set his hat on fire.

Slowly the phoenix lifted her head from the hat and stared Dipper down.

He swallowed harshly. "Um…hello?"

The avian stared a moment longer before tucking in her wings and waddling closer. Dipper pulled away but his back collided against a tree and he watched warily as the seemingly calm bird leaned forwards and inhaled.

She flared her wings and shook. A crimson and gold hued feather fluttered onto his lap and he looked up, puzzled. She stared at him and turned away, ducking her head into his hat, she prodded the bickering birds–_geeze,_ they were like the bickering blonds–and placed a wing on the ground.

The baby birds stopped fighting long enough to hop onto her wing and nestled onto her broad back.

She spread her wings and with a strong flap she took to the sky.

Dipper's eyes followed her flight through the canopy until she was out of sight. He exhaled, heart still hammering, and swiped the feather and his beaten up old hat, plopping it onto his head.

"Well I almost died today." He idly noted, adjusting the hat.

_Crash._

He frowned and ventured closer to the noise. Two dazed, bruised, and scratched blonds stared at the sky with delirious smiles.

"We're _alive_." Gideon breathed.

Bill laughed hysterically. "We almost _died."_

"Phoenix's are _real."_

Hurriedly scanning their forms for any signs of lethal injuries, Dipper sagged when he spotted none. But did they have any _internal _injuries?

"Are you two alright?" He stepped over debris to crouch beside the blond's heads. "Anything broken?"

Bill continued to laugh.

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Anything broken other than your minds?'

"You grabbed yours, didn't you, Gideon?"

Dipper frowned. "Wha–"

The blonds clumsily revealed a crimson and gold colored feather each. They grinned, and puffed their chests.

"We got you _two _feathers."

~oOo~

**Notes:**

**My performance was great, thank you all for the encouragement! I really do appreciate the kind words. **

**Hopefully this update isn't as much of a flop as the last one. I guess I can see why Magic and Mayhem wasn't as fun to read and lacked a spark. I was really worried about the performance so that probably affected my writing. But anyway! I've returned with the most recently requested sequel to Garden Shop!**

**super: You did make me laugh!**

**dipdot: Oh, you silly! I'm glad you clarified what you use because otherwise I laughed and thought you meant you just crossed your fingers and hoped for good luck. Ah well, you're too funny. No need to apologize!**

**smileydip: Oh my gosh _why? *_Dramatically throws hands into the air* _Why _has so many people suggested that? (Not in the reviews, just as suggestions to help me with stage fright because I have stage fright and yet I take theater. I am weird.) You know, it's really weird, but picturing everyone naked just makes me _more _nervous. I wonder why it doesn't work for me but I'm glad it works for you! Pfft, though picturing people singing _It's Raining Men _is pretty funny.**

**lol: Awwww, you're so sweet!**

**New Reader: Awwwwwww! *flails hands and blushes* And I don't mind you or anyone thanking me, I think it's just your guys' way of showing you like my stories. So no need to apologize, your Lucky Duckness! Ha ha ha!**

**(The screaming) Guest: I'm glad someone liked Magic and Mayhem! So it wasn't a _total _flop! Hopefully this update is better!**

**AWESOME: No need to apologize for being honest! You're just trying to help me out and I appreciate that! If I do wind up writing a sequel to Magic and Mayhem, I think I'll take some of your advice as well as add in more action. No worries, I don't hate you!**

**Thanks for reviewing!**


	24. Topsy Turvy

Summary: _Human Bill and Gideon expected to summon an almighty demon. Instead they summon Dipper._

Pairing: Billdip and Dipeon (both one-sided)

* * *

><p><em>Topsy Turvy<em>

Flames flickered in the dimly lit garage. Fine shoes tapped against the cemented floor as two shadowed figures strode through the room. One hooded individual knelt, chalk in hand, and inscribed runes along the chalked circle. The other placed small candles throughout the room.

A moment of silence before. "Should we really use _store-_bought candles?"

"Bill, for the _last time,_" the kneeling young man huffed and stood, patting his slacks. "The summoning contract didn't call for home-made candles."

"I'm just saying we'd probably get more magic out of the deal if we use home made materials." The twenty year old rebuked.

The nineteen year old scowled. "You mean more fans."

"Stronger _magic, Gideon._" Bill planted the back of his hands on his hips and curled his fingers. "I have no need for popularity."

"Power-hungry _savage." _Gideon crossed his arms.

The tan blond man prowled forwards. "Attention hogging _brat_."

Gideon met Bill halfway to continue the steadily heating name-calling. As their argument increased in fervor, Bill whipped out a weathered book and whacked Gideon's arm.

"You're an idiot!" Bill screamed, rearing to attack the teen with the floppy book once more.

Gideon flinched and grabbed his own book. "_You're_ the idiot!"

The two idiots proceeded to beat each other up with very old books. Once both were sufficiently bruised along their arms, they collected the parchment scattered about the floor.

"Oh _great."_ Gideon spat. "You've gone and _wrecked_ the books."

"_Me?"_ Bill ground his teeth. "If my arms weren't black and blue I'd–"

"Are we going to cast the summon or _not?"_

The young man gargled incoherent noises of frustration but bit out an irritated. "_Fine_. You wrote the right runes for the mightiest of demons, didn't you?"

The teen scoffed. "Of _course _I did. I'm well aware that the stronger a demon is, the stronger the deal will be, unlike _you. _Now c'mon and read this with me. If we do this right then we might be able to work out _two _deals with the demon."

Bill growled, withholding an acerbic retort, and stormed to Gideon's side. The teen flipped through the pages until he landed on the final entry in the book. Red inked words scrawled across the page and the blonds inhaled.

"On the count of three." Bill prompted. "Like we practiced."

Together, the blonds chanted the numbers then began the casting, eyes roving across the page in sync as they projected their voices. Wind whirled into the room and snuffed the candle's flames, darkening the room. The blonds halted in their chanting, looking up from the words to stare at a clouded light in the middle of the chalked circle.

A voice boomed. _"Who dares summon me?"_

Fire erupted from the candles and the fog cleared from the room, revealing blazing red eyes and a shark's grin. Startled, the blond's eyes wildly scanned the black suited stranger before slowing to a stop when they fully examined his face.

"Aw," Gideon broke the oppressive silence. "He's so _cute."_

~oOo~

Inwardly, the demon spluttered. _What wretched humans _dared _to call an almighty demon such as he _"cute"?

Outwardly, he increased the candle's flames until the wax incinerated and the vanilla fragrance spilled across the room. He crinkled his nose. Honestly, _vanilla? _If they were going to be lazy and _buy _candles, the least they could have gotten was _chocolate scented._

_ No, Dipper, _he scolded himself. _Focus. There's a show to perform._

He inhaled, breathing in the smoke through his nose and he exhaled fire through his mouth. He grinned toothily as the wisps of black rose from the corners of his mouth and he flashed glowing rows of shark's teeth and flicked out a forked tongue, hissing.

_"State your terms."_ He boomed to the dark room, only blood red eyes visible.

The insignificant fools had the nerve to _giggle._

"Did you _see_ how young he looks?" The human with a poofy hairdo whispered to the other blond.

"He looks about _our _age!" The other agreed giddily. "Hot _damn."_

Dipper steamed and curled his fists. Did they _not_ realize who they summoned?

He flexed his hands and blue fire erupted from his gloved palms. "I do not have _patience _for such nonsense. _State your terms _before I _incinerate _you_."_

The tan young man _grinned_. "You can't do that."

The poofy blond continued the thought. "You're bound to the mindscape and can't leave the circle unless you make a deal involving a vessel, which, we could arrange…"

The demon paused, frowning. So they did their research. At least they weren't _complete _idiots. He crossed his arms, fire still encircling his hands, and lidded his eyes.

"State your terms."

The poofy haired blond gasped. "Why, we never introduced ourselves!"

Dipper growled. They didn't need to know his name.

"State–"

"I'm Gideon Gleeful!" The human patted his chest.

"And _I _am Bill Cipher." The other human bowed dramatically then straightened. "And you are…?"

The demon thinned his lips. "Names are meaningless. I'm only here to make a deal."

"You know, you seem like a nice guy," Bill stepped forwards, nearly crossing the chalked circle. "How about you go on a date with me? Free of charge."

Dipper recoiled. _What the hell?_ Did they not realize he was a almighty _demon _who could eat their souls or something? Did they not have brains? He was only interested in making _deals _not making _out._

"Yeah," Gideon pitched in. "You could experience what it's like to be human for a day if you go on a date with _me_."

_Oh hell no._

Dipper poofed away.

~oOo~

Candles flickered in the garage as two figures chanted a spell. In a plume of smoke, the candles were snuffed and Dipper appeared, fangs glinting. Inwardly he scrunched his face. Aw, _boo! _Someone else had used store bought, vanilla scented, candles like that weird summon from yesterday.

He inhaled and deepened his voice. _"Who dares summon–"_

"Hi again, hon!"

The demon paused. Huh, that voice sounded familiar. But would he really have been summoned again by the same humans from a previous summon? Surely humans couldn't be that dumb.

"Hey! We never got your name!"

Recognition clicked. He sighed. Out of _all _the numerous summons he received on a daily basis, why did it have to be _these _idiots?

Dipper frowned and boomed. _"State your terms."_

"Oh sweet sugar, his voice is a dreamy as I remember!" The poofy haired figure clasped his hands.

The tan blond nudged the first blond. "And the way it does that demonic echoing is _so hot."_

The demon curled his lips. Oh he remembered them _now _alright. These humans thought he was _cute._ Disgust curdled in his gut. Such _disrespect. _Well, he'd just have to remind them they spoke to a _demon, _didn't he?

He waved his gloved hands and rekindled the candles, forcing the flames to rise from their wicks and weave around the startled blonds. There, how's _that _for hot?

_"I may not be able to leave this circle," _he increased the fire's intensity, _"but I can still kill you."_

A moment of silence passed until Dipper whipped his hand to the side and the flames returned to the candles. He straightened, certain he had properly intimidated the two, and crossed his arms.

The tan human, (Bill perhaps?) loosened his bowtie and swallowed. Dipper narrowed his eyes. Was…was the human _drooling? _He resisted the urge to pinch his nose. Urghhh, he was dealing with a _masochist._

His crimson eyes swiveled to the suited human. Oh, _great._ The human looked more intrigued than frightened.

"So about that date…" The poofy haired blond began.

Dipper growled. _"No deal."_

He vanished in a puff of smoke.

~oOo~

_"Who dares–" _Dipper halted.

Oh, _ugh_, vanilla scented candles _again? _Not cool.

Dipper scowled. _"You two."_

"Hi, hon!" Gideon chirped.

Bill waved. "So–"

_"No deal, no date."_

Dipper didn't bother with theatrics as he vanished.

~oOo~

_"Who–_Oh it's you two. _Again_."

"So–"

_"No."_

Dipper left.

~oOo~

Recognizing the vanilla scent, Dipper immediately vanished.

~oOo~

_"You two are _**_cluttering_**_ up my _**_SUMMONS!"_**

"Well if you would just–"

**_"NO!" _**Dipper shook his hands in the air, pretending the space between his palms were the _infuriating _blond's necks. **_"I have other deals to make!"_**

The humans had the _nerve _to grin.

"At least tell us a name of yours?" Gideon prodded.

Dipper ground his teeth. He _supposed_ he could tell them _one _of his titles, at least the one his sister was so fond of, but at a _price._

He floated higher and crossed his legs and arms, as if he were sitting in a chair. "I'll tell you a name of mine, _if _you two stop summoning me."

The blonds frowned.

"Oh no no no, that just won't do." Gideon protested. "Tell us your name and you can go on a date with us."

_"Ha!" _He dug his fingers into his bicep. "Not a chance."

"Aw, _c'mon_," Bill coaxed. "At least hang out with us?"

"The hanging can be arranged…" Dipper grumbled spitefully. "Though knowing _my_ luck you'd summon me as ghosts or zombies."

"_So…"_

He uncrossed his arms. "Tell you what," he planted his palms on his hips. "I'll give you brats…_gifts_, one for each time you time you have summoned me thus far. In return, you are only allowed to summon me a maximum of three times per month."

Dipper outstretched blazing blue hands as the blonds frowned at one another. "Do we have a deal?"

Gideon shrugged. "I _guess _that'll give us some time to think on how to charm ya. It's a deal. Bill?"

The young man continued to frown. "What _kind_ of gifts?"

The demon grinned. "If I told you, they wouldn't be a surprise, now would they?"

"Fair enough…" Bill continued to frown but held out his hand.

Dipper's grinned wildly as the blonds accepted his handshake and the transparent fire encircled their hands. He shook his hand free form the human's tight grip and tipped his top hat. He vanished, shark's grin lingering.

Vengeance would be_ sweet._

~oOo~

Bill yawned as the harsh sunlight stabbed his closed eyelids. With a groan, he rolled to the side, towards the nightstand, and flopped a bare hand out of the covers.

A moment passed before: _"Ow!"_

The young man sat upright and jerked back his hand_, _eyes wide as a sharp toothed venus fly trap clung to his hand.

Bill would forever deny that he _screamed_.

The carnivorous plant seemed to grin around the skin between his index finger and thumb. Despite his wild flailing, the vicious thing hung on, teeth firmly rooted in his flesh.

"_Gideon!" _He yelped. "Help me!"

Hearing his distress, the poofy haired blond hurriedly stumbled into the room, rubbing his eyes. "What? What's the–_oh sweet heavens, _what is _that!"_

"I don't know!" He screamed. "But I want it _off!"_

"I'm not touching it!" Gideon rushed out of the room and Bill screamed before the jerk returned, clutching a round stone attached to a black cloth in his hand. "Here, let me–"

Gideon curled his fingers around the stone and concentrated on removing the demonic plant. Sure enough, the amulet's magic was enough to levitate the plant…and Bill's hand, still in the fly trap's mouth.

"How's it attached to you?" Gideon yelled.

Bill shouted in return. "It has fangs!"

"What do you _mean _it has fangs?"

"I mean it has–" Bill dissolved into incoherent screaming. "I'm going to die!"

"No you're _not!"_

Gideon stormed forwards and glared at the plant's teeth and clutched the amulet. A greenish blue aura once again surrounded the vicious beast and Gideon pumped his energy into ripping the plant from Bill's hand.

With a resounding _pop,_ the plant was removed…

…and then sailed towards Gideon.

The teen yelped as the blue aura encased monster bared its teeth and neared. He dropped his amulet in shock and the aura dissipated. The potted beast dropped to the floor, growling viciously with Bill's blood dripping down its fangs.

Gideon and Bill stared at the snarling monster in the center of the room before Gideon uttered. "You're gonna need to disinfect those wounds."

"Yeah," he agreed, cringing as his hand throbbed. "I'll get on that while you kill this thing."

Warily, Bill clambered out of the bed and edged along the wall, nice and far away from the snapping jaws, before fleeing out the door.

Gideon's jaw dropped as Bill abandoned him in their time of need. Hoping that the monstrosity couldn't move from that spot, his mind whirled through potential, long reaching and plant-killing-possible weapons. His face lit when he remembered the shovel in the toolshed. Gardeners kept shovels in toolsheds, didn't they?

"Be right back, Cipher!" He called to the bathroom and sprinted out of Bill's bedroom.

The teen raced to his own room and grasped his nice shoes. Something hissed inside of them and he frowned. Peering inside, he dropped the blue boots like they were on fire.

_"Sweet heavens!" _He tacked on several curses as he scrambled away. "Bill, there's a _snake _in my _boot!"_

"There are _tarantulas _in the _bathroom!" _Bill rebuked.

Gideon swore and sprinted to his closet. Hoping there wouldn't be any more unfortunate surprises, the teen checked another pair of shoes. Relieved that they were empty, he slipped them on and sprinted to the garden.

Just as he opened the back door, however, his foot snagged on box and he tripped. His gaze dropped to a neatly wrapped box, decorated with stickers of a blue pine tree. Curiosity alighting despite the dangers lurking in the house, Gideon knelt and unwrapped the box. He lifted the lid and promptly wished he hadn't.

Bloody entrails.

Bloody _entrails._

Gideon slammed the lid back onto the box and staggered to the nearest trashcan and _hurled. _Once finished, he hastily wiped his mouth with his sleeve. If he weren't horrified, he would have realized he had just put puke on his favorite, silky pajama shirt. Well, he could dry clean it later, there were priorities to attend to. He retreated from the porch and sprinted to the toolshed.

After he had found the shovel and stepped into the sunlight, darkness blanketed his vision. He screamed and outstretched his arms, wondering what the hell had happened.

Beneath the thick layer of panic, he could've _sworn _he heard giggling but maybe he was just going crazy.

Rapidly, he blinked his eyes, as if that could clear his sight. Only after minutes passed did his vision hazily return. Near hyperventilating, Gideon raced back to the mansion to tell Bill his tale.

Bill, meanwhile, had successfully fended off the tarantulas with towels, grabbed the disinfectant liquid, escaped, and slammed the bathroom door shut. He leaned against the door, chest heaving, and clutched a rag tightly in pale knuckles. Heart hammering, he pushed off the wood and rushed to the back of the mansion. Blood dripped from his hand as he flung open the back door.

Not too far away, Gideon sprinted closer. Bill made to step forwards but his bare foot bumped against something. He looked down and frowned. A neatly wrapped box spotted with blue stickers sat innocently on the mat.

Curiosity his bane, Bill reached for the box.

"Don't open it!" Gideon shrieked, noticing him. "There's–"

Ignoring the warning, and his _still _bleeding hand, the dummy unwrapped the box and lifted the lid. He recoiled.

"Aw, _ew_, _deer teeth!"_

Gideon slowed. "That's not–"

"There's _deer teeth _in this box!" Bill insisted, flailing his hands.

The teen finally stepped foot on the porch and, despite his twisting gut, peered into the box. True to Bill's words, deer teeth filled the container.

Gideon frowned. "This doesn't make sense, where is all this stuff coming from?"

Maniacal laughter echoed and the blonds looked up to see a floating demon, clutching his sides. Simultaneously, they glared.

"_You!"_ Gideon flung out an accusing finger as realization occurred. _"You've _been causing us all this trouble!"

The demon wiped one eye, grinning. "Well you two _did _agree to the deal."

The blonds jaws dropped.

Bill shrieked. "You mean that _demonic plant _that _bit _me is a _gift?"_

The brunet straightened with a frown. "I'll have you know that _demonic plant _is my _pet. _I thought you might like her. Speaking of…"

He snapped his fingers and the evil plant appeared in his palm. He grinned when the blonds shrank away from the snapping creature.

"I suppose I'll take back my gifts, since you two don't seem to like them."

"Please do." Gideon insisted. "And could you fix my amulet too? Messing up the stone's power is not considered a gift."

The demon smirked. "Technically I changed the magic in the stone to a type you can't control. So I gave you magic, which is a gift."

"_None _of these horrors are gifts." Bill rebuked, lifting his bloody hand.

"Oh yeah, she bit you. Bet you didn't taste good." The demon remarked, patting his plant with pride.

"And temporary blindness!" Gideon cut in. "What was _that _about?"

The brunet scoffed. "Had you not been panicking, you would have noticed that I heightened your other senses in exchange for vision. Honestly, you two are _so _ungrateful."

The demon waved a hand and Bill gasped as the bloody incisions on his hand stung and fizzled. Steadily, the wounds closed and not a mark remained. Bill stared at his hand.

"Don't worry about infections," the demon idly remarked. "The bubbling was to kill the bacteria. So no, you're not about to die. Bummer. Oh and all the spiders and snakes are gone too. You're welcome."

The brunet twisted his free hand and the slobbering plant vanished. He planted his palms on his hips and shifted his weight onto one foot. An odd picture, given the human looking young man floated several feet in the air.

"How about we terminate this deal by making a _new _deal. I'll stop giving gifts if you two stop summoning me." The demon outstretched fire coated hands.

The blonds exchanged silent stares. What else would the demon do to them to convince them to stop? Was one date with a cutie _really _worth demonic gifts?

The humans reached for the gloved hands.

~oOo~

"Alright, listen cuz," Bill planted the back of his gloved hands onto his hips, staring down the preteen girl. "Just because I'm stuck babysitting you doesn't mean–"

"Yeesh," the girl mimicked his pose. "I'm not gonna trash the place. I am _twelve, not _a child."

"Technically," Gideon leaned into the couch, "you're still a child."

"Not helpful." The girl returned. "What I'm _trying _to say is that I don't _need _a babysitter."

"You're parents seem to think so." Bill countered. "So those ground rules–"

"I _know _them already."

"I haven't even _told _you them yet!"

"They're posted on the _refrigerator."_

_ "C'mere you!" _Bill lunged at his relative and she screamed, running out of the room. _"Get back here!"_

_ "No way!"_

Gideon rolled his eyes as the cousins raced through the house, yelling at one another. He grasped the TV remote and cranked up the volume, tuning out the screams.

Bill, on the other hand, gasped for breath and placed his gloved palms onto his knees.

"Alright," he panted. "Where are you?"

His gaze scanned the hallway for the little nuisance when he heard giggling. Straightening, he ventured to one of the various wooden doors and peered through the crack in the doorway. Huh, so she decided to hide in the library now did she?

His cousin giggled once more as her eyes scanned a page in a worn book. Bill rolled his eyes. She'd probably found one of his old mystery novels. Well, _good_. Now he didn't have to worry about keeping her out of trouble.

He turned away from the library door and returned to the living room, unaware of how much trouble reading could cause.

~oOo~

The girl turned the page and giggled as she read even _more _post it notes littering the parchment. She had stumbled across the library by accident when she had searched for a place to hide and ambush her cousin. Bill could be so _uptight_ sometimes about rules and deals. Yeesh! He really needed to lighten up.

Either way, she had found the fantasy section and dived headfirst into the first book she found, completely forgetting about her plan to deliver a noogie to her cousin because she had found something even _better. _A _spell _book.

One dog-eared page had caught her attention and she flipped to that page and _beamed _as she spotted the post-it notes_. _Apparently her cousin and Gideon had managed to summon a _demon _and boy were they crushing _hard_. Judging from the words scribbled on the notes, the two blonds were completely enamored with the demon.

She giggled. Summoning the guy and telling Bill's crush embarrassing stories would be her greatest prank yet!

But first she needed some candles and chalk.

~oOo~

"You want _what?"_ Bill raised a brow.

"Chocolate scented candles and chalk, please." His cousin repeated, eyes slowly trailing to the captivating TV.

Gideon rolled his eyes. "Just humor her, Cipher."

Bill rolled his eyes and lifted his hands. "Fine, fine, let's go to the store."

"Yay!" She chirped.

"Gideon you're coming along."

_"What?"_ Gideon protested.

"We're going now."

Gideon scowled. "But _Bill–"_

The girl grinned. "We need a _responsible_ driver. One who won't drive us into a tree."

Bill growled and messed up her neatly brushed hair.

Gideon huffed but hopped off the couch and grumbled. "You'd probably die without me."

"Bill _totally _would!" The girl agreed.

"Let's just get this over with." Bill grouched and headed towards the front door.

~oOo~

Not soon enough, the trio returned from the store and the girl rushed to the garage, clutching the cloth bag containing the materials tightly in her hand. Hastily, she followed the ancient book's instructions and etched lines with the chalk. With a matchbox, she lit the candles and placed them about the room.

The book didn't say anything about having the candles be the _only_ source of light, so she left the overhead lights on, just in case and totally not because she was scared of the dark or anything. Not at all. The girl shook her head.

She inhaled and started to chant.

~oOo~

Bill idly fiddled with his phone as Gideon opened the garage door. "Hey, what do you want for–" he looked up, "–oh _crap."_

His cousin finished speaking and a breeze filled the room. With eerie familiarity, the candles went out and the overhead light shut off. Inwardly, Bill cursed because not only did he know his cousin was _terrified _of the dark, he had a sinking suspicion of who she had just summoned. And if she had indeed summoned Dipper then they were in for a whirlwind of trauma.

Bill rushed to his cousin, pushing her shaking form behind his back, and announced. "We're not making any deals. She didn't mean to make a summon so–"

A woman with an oddly familiar face appeared in a puff of wind and rainbow colored smoke, alighting the room in florescent lights. She walked on air, out of the smoke, and slid a lidded gaze onto the pair in front of her. Her eyes snapped open and she cooed.

"Oh my _gosh!_ You're such a cutie!"

The demon zipped out of the circle and pinched the girl's cheek. Bill and Gideon stared dumbly at the woman, both wondering how the hell she managed to leave the circle.

As if reading their minds, the brunette answered. "This little dudette forgot to draw some _very_ important lines! But that's okay! It's something to learn from for next time!"

Bill glared at the stranger and pulled his cousin away from her. Wrapping his arms protectively around the girl, Bill retreated a step.

"We're not looking to make any deals." Bill insisted.

"Why not? It'll be _fun~"_

Bill scowled. "The last time I made a deal with a demon, a plant _bit me."_

Slowly, the demon blinked and started to grin. The blond's stomach churned. That was not a reassuring grin.

"Oh I know who you two are now!" She chirped, the eerie echo rattling their bones. "You," she pointed at Bill, "are Bill Cipher and you," she pointed to Gideon, "are Gideon Gleeful!"

Gideon stammered. "H–How...?"

"Oh Dipper complains about you two _all the time. _Huh, you know he also complains about you two using vanilla scented candles but all I smell is chocolate! Yum..."

All humans present stared.

The demon perked. "Oh yeah, I actually helped him out with those pranks of his! Like those sticker coated boxes? Yeah, that was _my_ idea." She laughed while the blonds shuddered in remembrance. "Oh I can't _wait_ to tell him about meeting you two. He'll be _so_ embarrassed."

"Wait a minute." Gideon raised a hand. _"Dipper?"_

"Yep!" The stranger chirped. "That's my twin's name alright! I'm Mabel by the way!" She outstretched a hand. "And I can make your _dreams come true_. You can have all the _fans you want_, Gideon, if you'd just _shake my hand."_

As if hypnotized, Gideon slowly accepted the rainbow fired handshake.

_Poof!_

And creaky old fans appeared, filling the room with a breeze.

Mabel laughed herself silly._ "Ha ha ha, loser! _You fell for it! I'll be right back, enjoy your fans! _Ha ha ha ha isn't that punny!"_

Her laughter lingered as her presence faded away and the candles and overhead lights flickered to life.

The blonds and cousin exchanged stares. Just as Bill released his hold on the girl and inhaled to scold her, he heard.

"I was hoping we'd _never_ see each other again. Honestly, Mabel. This is ridiculous."

Bill turned to see the clearly _twin_ demons bickering, one notably taller than the other and used her height to her advantage.

She loomed over Dipper. "Aw, _c'mon_ Dippin' Dot! They just want _one_ date!"

"I will put _rats_ in your hair."

"If you do then I will give them your number."

"I don't have that human commodity."

She snapped her fingers. "Now you do."

Bill, noticing a distinct lack of weight in his back pocket and noticing Mabel held a _very_ familiar phone in her hands, protested. "Wait, that's–"

Dipper snatched the phone and tossed the device to the startled human. "I'm leaving."

"Aw, _c'mon!"_

"No."

"Just one date!"

"Uh," Gideon tentatively interrupted. "We'll pass on the date."

Mabel poofed her cheeks and placed her hands on her hips. "The pranks weren't _that_ bad!"

Traumatized from said pranks, Bill and Gideon just stared at her.

Dipper rolled his eyes and slid a lidded gaze onto the wide eyed child. His gaze softened.

The brunet huffed and crossed his arms. Retracting his fangs into normal teeth, reshaping his tongue and eyes to human shape and color, Dipper floated to the ground. Once his shoes clicked against the floor, he strode forwards, shoved Bill aside despite his notably smaller size, and put his hands on his knees.

"Hey there kiddo," his voice was smooth and non-echoey. "Thanks for choosing chocolate scented candles, Mabel and I love those. I didn't mean to scare ya so...have some gold as an apology."

Dipper grasped the trembling child's hand and placed a gloved hand atop the child's. As he pulled away, a small lump of gold appeared in the preteen's palm.

The demon tipped his hat and hopped into the air. "Well thanks for the chat, see you never!"

"But Dipper, the date!"

"No, Mabel. Let's go."

And the demons poofed away.

~oOo~

**Notes:**

**Credit: The idea of this story comes from the reviewer ****Sol's Darkness.**

**Hey all! So I've managed to knock at least one request out of the suggestion box. Who knows what I'll do next? Either way, I'll see you all next Wednesday at the latest!**

**New Reader: Aw, you're so sweet! Uh oh! I've figured out who you are. You, Lucky Duckness, are..._Bill._**

**ME: I feel like you had two suggestions for Garden Shop. The first was that Dipper would be dragging a monster to the Shack when Bill and Gideon show up and the second was that Bill and Gideon chase Dipper and try to stuff him into a suit, right? I was thinking both could happen in Garden Shop 5 when the trio have to go on their dancing date... I'll see what I can do for the creepiness!**

**dipdot: Where else would I put my replies to reviewers? **

**~(~_~)~**

**The reviewers requests in order of being asked: **(Doesn't mean I'll write them in this order though.)

**1) AWESOME: Deertaur Dipper and hunter Bill and Gideon.**

**2) Lil ol Gravity Falls: Still as a Statue part 4.**

**3) GravityFallsMD: Gideon gives Dipper a love potion but uses the wrong ingredients. Dipper passes out and turns into a cat.**

**4) ****Goldstar and Forestspirit of Thunderclan: Dipper receives a cursed poppy flower and at night he hears a voice that forces his body to wander into the woods. He passes out in a poppy field and Bill drags him to the mindscape. Slowly, Bill manipulates Dipper's mind until Dipper forgets about his family.**

**5) Goldstar, lol, LA DE DA, ****Guest****: Unfortunate Exploration Part 2**

**6) GravityFallsMD: Gideon kidnaps Dipper in order to hurt him and use him as blackmail but falls in love with him instead.**

**7) Black ninja: Turf War Part 2**

**8) ****AWESOME: Tinker bell sized fairy Dipper and hunters Gideon/Bill. While Dipper flies through the woods on his way to visit his mermaid sister, someone shoots him with a tranquilizing dart. He wakes up captured by two crazy blonds who won't leave him alone.**

**9) Guest: Onesided dating**

**10) New Reader: Bill and Gideon fight over Dipper until they realize Dipper has a girlfriend. Then they become _extremely _jealous_._**

**11) Smileydip and DeCipher: Vampires Bill and Gideon smell Dipper's blood and struggle to drag him to their lair. They try to snuggle/cuddle with him and and soon try to turn him into a vampire but the hunter isn't an easy prey.**

**12) ME and LA DE DA: Creepy Bill or Gideon.**

**Thanks for reviewing!**

**See you all next Wednesday at the latest!**


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